In the early afternoon I received another visitor. A young woman walked quickly up the beach toward me, diminutive in stature with a well-proportioned medium build and glorious auburn hair reaching halfway down her back. When she got closer Danielle cocked her head to one side and gave me a little queen wave with one hand, “Hi, Dad!” she said cheerily. I stood to greet her and she embraced me tightly in her arms. “Wow! This is quite a place you have here. It’s beautiful!”
“Yes, isn’t it?” I agreed, motioning her to sit down. “I’m sorry we don’t have any chairs. You can have my log if you like.”
“No, I’ll just sit here in the sand. It’s okay.”
Petey immediately seized upon the opportunity to receive attention and affection by jumping into Danielle’s lap, slathering wet kisses all over her face before generously offering her belly for scratching, which Danielle willingly obliged.
“It’s great to see you, Daugh. Thank you for coming. My gosh! You have lost so much weight since your surgery. You look wonderful. I haven’t seen you look this good since you were in high school!”
“Thank you,” she said, grinning broadly. “It’s been a long hard road, but well worth it.”
“I’m sure,” I agreed. “I should have had that surgery a long time ago.” I paused while my smile disappeared. “Before it was too late.”
Danielle looked at me and smiled sadly, “Yeah, you should have.”
“I was never quite so brave as you. I admire your courage and your initiative and your commitment to changing your life.” I sat with a pensive look on my face as I considered what my own possibilities might have been.
“Hey! Check this out,” I said enthusiastically, snatching my guitar up and pulling the neck strap over my head. “I’ve been practicing all day.”
I bowed my head and closed my eyes and then launched into an up-tempo, but soulful rendition of a new age flamenco song that had heretofore been light years beyond my capabilities. To Danielle’s and my surprise the quick notes of the complex melody rang out clear and true, echoing eerily across the lake, with a quality and clarity I had never heard from my guitar. The melody began slowly, quietly, tentatively, and then gradually built momentum, finally ending in a powerful, victorious, uplifting crescendo, leaving my spirit feeling strong and alive and at peace. I played confidently and boldly and naturally, as if the song were well rehearsed, though I had only heard but never before played such a sophisticated and complex song.
As I neared the end of the song I noticed that Danielle seemed distracted and inattentive, as if she had other more important things on her mind. I concluded the song and said, “It’s by Shahin and Sepehr. It’s called ‘The Last Goodbye.’” As soon as I said the title of the song I realized what a poor selection I had made. I wished I had picked something a little more uplifting to play for my daughter on this occasion.
“Oh, well,” I shrugged. “It’s only half the song, considering that it’s actually intended to be played as a duet.”
“It was beautiful, Dad. And you played it magnificently. I could even hear the notes you didn’t play. I’m very happy for you. I know it was always your dream to play flamenco.”
“Thank you,” I said quietly, removing my guitar and leaning it against the log. I spoke no more until Danielle realized it was her turn to speak.
“What’s on your mind, Danielle?”
Danielle’s chest swelled as she inhaled a large breath, steeling herself for the tirade that was to come. She didn’t speak at first, but soon her chin began to quiver and the tears began to flow. “WHY DID YOU DO THIS, DAD!?” she cried.
“Do what, Danielle? What have I done?” I asked, taken aback by her question and the intensity of its tone.
“Do what?! You KILLED yourself, Dad! You committed SUICIDE!”
“What are you talking about? I had a heart attack.”
“Yes, a heart attack. And why did you have a heart attack?”
“I don’t know. Because I’m fat?”
“Fat?! Try morbidly obese. Do you know what that means, Dad? Morbidly obese? It means there is an extreme likelihood that you will die from a heart attack or stroke because you are so fat! Now, tie that to having diabetes, high blood pressure, a family history of heart disease, a sedentary lifestyle, a type-A personality, an inordinate amount of stress in your life, and no exercise, and what do you get? It’s simple arithmetic, Dad. You get a heart attack.”
Danielle paused to catch her breath. “I’m sure there were other reasons, but do you really need more?”
“No, that’s probably enough.”
“Yeah! And don’t forget about those cigars there in the sand at your feet.”
“You don’t inhale a cigar, Danielle.”
“Yeah, you and Bill Clinton.”
“That was something else, I think.”
“Yeah, something else. The fact of the matter is that you made poor life choices that directly resulted in your having a heart attack. You were selfish and inconsiderate and irresponsible. And now I’m sitting here on this beach listening to you play guitar and saying good-bye to my dad.”
Danielle had stood up by now and was pacing angrily back and forth across the sand in front of me. “IT’S SO UNFAIR!” she shouted, clenching her fists. “You are such a self-centered bastard! Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?”
I nervously wiped my mouth with my hand. “But Danielle, I never viewed it as if I were killing myself.”
“What?! How could you not?! You’re an intelligent man. How could you not see the obvious logical conclusion of your choices? How could you possibly not know this was going to happen?”
I sat for a minute, then lifted my hat and scratched the top of my head. “I guess I never believed it would really happen to me.”
“What do you mean it would never happen to you? You mean like car accidents only happen to other people? Like cancer only happens to other people? Like AIDS only happens to other people? Don’t be ridiculous! What makes you so special that you are exempt from the laws of nature and the natural consequences of your actions? Are you invincible?! Are you immortal?!”
I endured the burn of Danielle’s glare for a minute and then offered my response. “Perhaps in my own mind. Foolish as that may seem to you. I suppose I never really believed I would ever have to pay the consequences for my life choices.”
“Well, I guess you were wrong about that.”
“Apparently so.”
“So, now what, Dad? You’ve left me and the boys without a father. Not to mention Connie without a husband and her kids without a father.”
“Her kids have a father,” I replied matter-of-factly.
“You know what I mean,” she countered. “And what about all of us? Did you never think about what would happen to us? Or were you just preoccupied with making sure you got what you wanted?”
“Don’t even worry about me. But, what about Taylor? He’s just a teenager. What’s he going to do? He has no dad now. And Brett! My God! There will be no positive influence in his life whatsoever now. And Greg. Sure, he’s the oldest, but he needs you, Dad. He really needs you.”
Danielle stared me down with a look of sheer disgust on her face. “I can’t even begin to address the issue of your responsibility to Connie. She is your wife, Dad. When you got married she committed not only her life to you, but that of her family too. She counted on you to be there for her. Whatever the relationship you had with her kids, they are all looking to you to be the dad in that family. Whether they want to admit it or not, they all depend on you. What about them, Dad? What are they going to do now?”
I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. “Clearly it is indefensible, Danielle. Absolutely indefensible. I cannot legitimately argue with anything you are saying.”
“Oh! Argue with me, Dad, please! Give me some reason for making sense out of this.”
“Well, Danielle, I might ask if this was so clear cut to you, why did you never say this to me before?”
“Who could tell you anything, Dad? I mean really.”
“I suppose that’s fair.” I stared at the sand for a while. Then I picked up Petey and held her to my chest. “I think there must have been some deep-seated reasons that not even I may have understood. And if I didn’t understand them myself, how could I ever expect you to?”
“Try me. What reasons, Dad? What reasons could you possibly have for not valuing your life any more than you apparently did?”
“Maybe I didn’t think I deserved to live, Danielle. Maybe I think I got just what I deserved. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my day. I’ve hurt a lot of people, and hurt them badly. You know that yourself. You saw much of it happen. You are a victim of me yourself.”
“Yeah, and now you’re hurting us again. Only this time more deeply than any of us can bear. Can you not understand that?”
“Of course I can.”
“Well, then what about all that stuff you were just telling Greg? He told me in great detail what you said. What was that? Were those just empty words intended to make him feel better? Don’t those same statements apply to you?”
“No, they were not just empty words. I meant every single word I said to Greg. And, yes, I suppose they should apply to me equally as well.”
“But you don’t have to practice what you preach because, oh yeah, I forgot – you’re special.”
“Your point is well taken, Danielle. I understand. I am truly sorry I have hurt you like this. But now it is done. It’s too late for me to change the outcome. What has happened has happened and it cannot be undone.”
Danielle dropped her head and slumped her shoulders, heaving a sigh of resignation and acceptance.
“Thank you for your honesty, Danielle. I assure you I heard your message loud and clear. I appreciate that you had the courage to speak your mind. I understand that that can be a difficult thing to do with me. However, you have always been able to do so, and I respect and admire that about you. Thank you.”
I bowed my head in a sign of respect and then suggested, “So, let us now speak of better days.” I motioned for Danielle to take her seat again on the sand, which she did.
“Do you remember when you won the all-school talent show in high school when you were only a freshman? I will never forget that day. I was sitting there in the auditorium and all the kids were acting up and being loud and inattentive. You can imagine how much I was enjoying that. Then it came your time to perform and I was upset that the kids were still being raucous and noisy. I wanted to hear you sing. Well, let me tell you. You started out with that song ‘Get Here’ by Oleta Adams and you weren’t even a full line into the song before that entire auditorium became completely silent. You could have heard a pin drop. You held that entire room completely spellbound. There were chills running up and down my arms. Your voice was so strong and powerful and you sang with such feeling. You were magnificent, Daugh. Absolutely magnificent. When you finished they gave you a standing ovation. And then, you won the whole thing! You beat the juniors and the seniors and everyone else and you were only fourteen years old. What a fantastic evening that was for me. Thank you for giving me that thrill.”
“Yeah, that was a great day for me too,” she said, somewhat calmer now.
“But, you know what the hallmark of your singing career really was for me personally?”
“No, what?”
“It was on Father’s Day, when you were only thirteen. I had told you about a beautiful song I had heard that had really touched me. That morning you surprised me by singing that very song in church. Do you remember? ‘In Return’ by CeCe Winans. Oh, my God, Danielle! What an incredible thrill that was for me. It was like a love song you were singing for me and for me only. I can’t thank you enough for doing that for me.”
Danielle smiled and asked, “Do you remember the chorus, Dad?” Then her voice rang out, strong and clear:
“Oh, for in return he’ll give you joy
That could never be told.
And in return he’ll give you love
That was more precious, more precious than gold.
In return of a torn life
He’ll give you life abundantly, and in return of a raging storm
The Lord will calm the sea.”
The tears poured from my eyes, my chest heaved, my throat ached, and the love for my beautiful daughter welled up in me.
“Did you hear the words, Dad? In return of a torn life, he’ll give you life abundantly, and in return of a raging storm the Lord will calm the sea.”
I held my hand over my mouth and cried uncontrollably. “I know this about the Lord, Danielle. But, I guess I did not accept it for myself.”
“Why, Dad? Did you not consider yourself worthy? Your very words to Greg were, ‘You are a child of God. You have value and worth beyond your wildest imaginings.’ God would have given you life abundantly and He would have calmed the raging storm in your life.” Danielle continued with the song:
“But, in return he gave me joy
That could never be told.
And in return he gave me love that was more precious than gold.
So, whatever you have to give, you don’t have to be ashamed.
Just come as you are
And present it in Jesus’ name…”
I fell to my knees and then crawled over to where Danielle sat in the sand. I threw my arms around here and held her tightly, a lifetime accumulation of pain and hurt and anger pouring out of my eyes in rivulets. Danielle held me and sang softly to me:
“Oh, for in return he’ll give you joy
That could never be told.
And in return he’ll give you love
That was more precious, more precious than gold.
In return of a torn life,
He’ll give you life abundantly, and in return of a raging storm
The Lord will calm the sea.”
We sat there for a good long while, holding each other, crying. Eventually I sat up and wiped my eyes and sniffled. “Thank you, Daugh. You are such a good daughter and a fine young woman. I’m sure you will make a wonderful mother some day. Your children will be fortunate to have you as their mother.”
“Well, I think I should be going now, Dad. The others will want some time with you.”
“The others?” I asked. “Who else is here?”
“Well, just Connie actually.”
“Not Brett?” My heart sunk, knowing the answer. “I suppose I knew he wouldn’t come.”
“Don’t give up hope, Dad. He’ll come. I’m sure he will.”
“I love you, Danielle. You are very special to me.”
“And I love you, Dad.”
Danielle kissed me on the cheek and hugged me one more time. She bent to scratch Petey’s head one last time. “It’s great to see you again, Petey. You’re such a sweet dog. Take good care of my dad, will you?”
Then she too walked off down the beach in the opposite direction from where she had come. As I watched her walk away I remarked to Petey, “Boy! It’s quite a lot of responsibility you have, Petey. Everyone is expecting you to take good care of me.”
I sat back down on my log and picked up my guitar. “I wonder if I can pick out the tune to that song, Petey.” And I began to sing while I played:
“All I had to give was a broken heart,
Torn apart.
All I had to give was an empty hope, and promises.
But in return you gave me joy
That could never be told…”
(Please continue with Part 4)
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This in itself would be a short story; if taken together with the other parts, you’ve got a novella on your hands. There was too much talking and analysing, which did not drive the story forward, and not enough action. Also, there was a tad too much touchy-feely sentimental stuff in it – for me, it would have been better if there had been more action that was relevant to the narrative.
I am thinking daugh was a nickname for Danielle since you used that 2 times instead of daughter. All I can say is wow as I wipe a tear from my cheek. I went back and read the first and second parts but was unable to review them as I kept getting logged out of Urbis when I tried. So I will write here that I have found nothing to coreect or change – the story pulls the reader in and is very beautiful. So much so that it shakes one’s emotions. Thank you for sharing this and I will read part 4 tomorrow. Readin this has been a blessing and you are indeed talented. Definitely an uplifting inspirational piece.
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