good
rearrange the lines, and tell me what you think happened.
Poetry / Rearrange these Lines in any Order
exploded brains all over the place
a night in nineteen seventy five
woman who lived in a house of mine
too long before I was ever born
took her pink box with treasure inside
hung her right arm in the cedar tree
swung her body around the thick trunk
the stars were dying in twos and threes
exactly twenty six words were said
dug (in what was now mud) a deep grave
went back in the house and cleaned the brains
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sadpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Unbelievably deep! I don’t see that anything needs rearranged as a story unfolds and the intelligence of each line flows freely.
An air of mystery is embedded within this tragedy; the pink box. You have drawn the reader to move forward at a rather rapid pace to uncover the mystery, but it is left in the end still a mystery. It leaves of sense of not being complete yet it is all about “final”. TALENT!
The sentence where the stars are dying in twos and threes is extremely original and I love it.
And again you leave the reader wondering about the twenty six words. I am unsure if I missed it. Regardless, it is still a brilliant concept.
I like the format for this piece and don’t feel like any part of it should change but if you chane it, please let me know. I really like it.
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S_Testify_Illuminatin reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed reading this. I also will rearrange the lines in a comment of course. Original work. It’s a little demented but i think that’s what I like about it lol.
crystinawritersblog reviewed Version 1 -
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You make it interesting because people have to put it in order but you could tell something bad happened.
JessicaHumiston reviewed Version 1 -
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This tells a clear story. The only thing that I would say is that I am wondering who told the character this story, becasue it happend before he was born. Maybe put in a few lines like, my mother told me.. a stranger once told me…..
Undone reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a very original piece, Maybe in a strange way it is a bit humorous in the order. I like your writing it is very different and complex. It is a little confusing it makes the reader think a little which is good. Also it is something one might have to read a couple times and ponder for a moment.
TiffVicious reviewed Version 1 -
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sometimes your style can be so awkward it works, or so wrong its right. And by that I mean, that you just write so outside of the box, you are so original and thoughtful and I MIGHT ADD persuasive. You pull me in, EVERY TIME.
Faerie_Lady reviewed Version 1 -
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giggles i like this! its abstract and intriguing, yet wholly understandable. my favorite line “the stars were dying in twos and threes” reminds me of a night i had not so long ago. i like poetry that i can relate to or connect with. something i can find myself in. you write very well. you don’t over do it at all and it flows very nicely.
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not really sure how original out of order lines are that somehow leave out the much of what would have made this a better poem. We don’t know enough about the woman to identify with her, can only surmise what the treasure inside her pink box might if she blew her brains out and why the title? Teasing us with 26 words we will never know so why mention them at all. Why a deep grave if she was able to go back into the house and clean the brains? And why too long before you were born? Long before you were born is good enough, the too is unnecessary. It is still more telling than showing though it has a decent flow and holds interest, mostly because it is so curious and disjointed. Not sure what was trying to be accomplished but an interesting attempt and something novel.
Miscast reviewed Version 1 -
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This is quite eerie. I liked the use of numbers, now they are disguised as words… I noticed that is a symbolic technique not too often used in poetry.
Like you have suggested, the lines seem like they could use a bit of rearranging. And, for some reason with me, this poem does not feel like it evokes enough emotion to create an impact on me as a reader.
peach_cigarello reviewed Version 1 -
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This is the first time I have ever seen an interactive poem--and like all other interactive art--I love it! The lines are both vague and specific enough to be malleable. The imagery conveys that some sort of ambiguous signifigance to every line. The addition of dialogue or some sort of exclaimation would be interesting to me or a name or an allusion…something to really mark the piece but also give it room to grow. I also get the feeling of the prescence of a river or some dark water (from the mud?) in this work that could make for another line of interest.
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