Thats true, i think I need to rework this story and submit again. Thanks very much.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Unter einem tiefen blauen Meer (Under a deep blue sea) (Analysis)
The female of the species is more deadlier then the male (Rudyard Kipling’s poem The Female of the Species, 1911)
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
From Sept 1941 to May of 1944 Germany managed to send 62 U-boats into the Mediterranean. All these boats had to navigate the dreaded British-controlled Straits of Gibraltar where 9 U-boats where sunk while attempting passage and 10 more had to break of their run due to damages. No U-boats ever made it back into the Atlantic and all were either sunk in battle or scuttled by their own crews. The Mediterranean was a very dangerous arena for the U-boats, all around it were dozens of allied air base from which hundreds of radar-equipped aircraft hunted them. The Mediterranean is very clear and calm body of water which made escape more difficult for the U-boats. During 1944 12 U-boats were sent toward the Straits of Gibraltar in an attempt to enter the Mediterranean. Nine of those managed to complete their passage while 3 were sunk at Gibraltar. At the end of 1944 Germany had managed to get 62 U-boats into the Mediterranean.
The German military establishment is desperate, and most of serving aboard the U97 are extremely young consisting of 50 men. Fit clean-shaven eager and detirmnined to do their duty for the Fatherland they were were aged between 17- 27yrs, with the commander being the oldest at at 40. All experienced and mature officers and enlisted men are already in action or dead, and so a youthful crew is the order of the day. For the good of the country and perhaps posterity.
On January 1944 the U97, a Type VIIC-class U-boat, pulled out from the bunkers in Bordeaux, France to the great expanse of the Atlantic Ocean. Little did they know as the sleek and streamlined grey tube glides out of the submarine pen into the open sea that these were the final days of the U-Boats. U97 and her men mysteriously vanished without trace, and was never seen again. The last crackled radio message was made a day before the passage through the Strait of Gibaltar.
So they pass through the Strait but they are bombed and rammed by a destroyer and sent plumitting to the seabed. After several attempts to blow the tanks and ascend to the surface they are eventually successful, but they are horrified to learn that they are not where they thought they were but in an unfamilair uncharted sea. They are forced to abandon the U-Boat due to it being badly damaged, where they discover a vast undiscovered island inhabited by women, who say they are an Amazon tribe called the Centaurs. The Queen is concerned that their refuge of thousands of years is in danger of discovery, She remembers all too well men, and their ways. But it’s not them the men should fear but another more viciouse group of women called the Kang. . Now the war had taken on a very different dimension, they were fighting against a different type of enemy, and for their very lives.
Authors Note: I wanted to toy with the idea of what would happend if a U boat crew of a submarine became lost and found themselves in a world domniated entirely by women. I would like this to have the same impact as Lord of the Rings had.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
neophytepoetess reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I enjoyed the read and find the premise fascinating. A couple of areas were stumbling to read for example, “More had to break of their run due to damages.” Perhaps this is because I am unfamiliar with this “jargon”. Also the line, “. . . and was never seen again” should be (and were) as you are talking about men not man. Finally, when you wrote “viciouse” did you mean (vicious)?
That’s it for the grammar and stuff, as far as impacting readers like Tolkien I would say his ability to create species, races, worlds, language and backgrounds for all of the above is, quite frankly a feat I could never even begin to emulate. His attention to each and every minute detail down to the appendices was what really blew me away and I wish you every success in your endeavor.
I would be interested in reading more. Thank you for the opportunity.
- add/view comments (1)
AkiliAmina reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I didnt understand why the history lesson in the beginning and why not just go straight into the story? But with work this could be a great story.
mommiehoneycomb reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like the premise however the onslaught of history right at the beginning and the very descriptive details of the boats make it somewhat boring. It would be better to weave all this information through out the story. also add more descriptions how did the Queen look? Why was the other group more viciouse? this would make the story seem more mystical. Because of the genere (not a huge fan) but i think imagery is much more important than the facts. Don’t give specific dates say approximately, it kinda makes it sound like an history report. I think if the reader has an era in mind s/he will more than likely come up with their own visual. However, I really like the idea.
rekstein reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I ran into a bunch of typos, even in the first sentences, such as “of” before 1944 but not 1941, and then dozens of air bases – should be plural. And the Med is “a” very clear and calm. Enough typos so I figured that you weren’t focusing on this yourself, or are German or something. No biggie. I began focusing, more importantly, on the story.
It reads more like a summary or a background than an introduction. It is suspenseful, and crisp, and historic; things I like in writing. Maybe you should get to the “last, crackling message” a bit earlier, because this is your hook of suspense. We didn’t have to hear about every attempt in the Med first.
Again, you are telling us what the story would be, instead of telling the story. I get that though. Yes, it seems like a good canvas for a story; maybe a bit trite, fighting Amazon women—I pictured a Wonder Woman gang, dressed in bikinis?
What and how does she remember about Men and their Ways?
Lord of the Rings is a big challenge to match. It pits good and evil, but there are many subtleties along the way, many tough choices, much loss, and such a grandly detailed alternate world that we can’t help but get lost in it, believing it. I’m talking about the books. I didn’t see the films.
Your sample writing (finally) is pretty strong, with good imagery and action. It’s very Planet of the Apes (the book). I don’t get how a man and woman are kissing, since I thought it was German soldiers vs. Women. Language a little trite again:
“ruggedly handsome face,
steel blue eyes”
Characterization is found in imperfections, often.
CharlesB reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I liked the idea behind it, but I think you could clarify it more in your story. Without the intro you added it would have been very murky. Overall, excellently written. Few if any spelling or punctuation errors. (I’m no editor, I’m a writer)
Like I said, great idea. Just clean it up a bit. Very enjoyable short read.
brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think this will be a good story. Why don’t you post the whole thing?
Criticism:
You jump from past to present tense in the first two paragraphs. It seems like your tense is shifting throughout the entire piece actually.
The first sentence of your second paragraph needs work. I get what you are saying, but there are words missing. ”...most of serving aboard…”? Do you mean ‘most of them serving aboard? The last two words in that sentence are out of place, and you could fix that easily by ending the first sentence at “young” and then move the next two words to the beginning of the second sentence.
Here is another example of your inappropriate tense shifts, “Little did they know as the sleak and streamlined tube glides...” That’s a shift in one sentence, so I don’t think it’s intentional.
I wouldn’t call the Amazon tribeswomen the Centaurs, as that is already a mytholigical character. Unless it comes into play again, I would suggest changing the name of the tribe to something more original, as you have done with the Kang.
Good luck with this
wise2owls reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This seems like it will make one heck of a sci-fi novel. When you started to explain how because of the British blockade U-boats were being kept from the Mediterranean from 1941 to 1944, I was interested. When you told us that this one U-boat was transformed from the Mediterranean to an unknown sea this reader wanted to read more. My eye was caught by the first sentence and you continued to have my attention throughout. Excellent description of how the Allied forces kept the German submarines out of the Mediterranean by way of Gibraltar. Intriguing twist when they find themselves out of one danger and in a more deadly one. Thank you.
DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This has a lot of promise. During the Long, overdrawn explanation (infodump) comes this wild revelation of a crew being lost on an island of Amazon women. This could go in many different directions. I think you should lighten up on the beginning, as most of it isn’t needed.
‘German submarine U97 was one of the only vessels between 1941 and 1944 to make it through the deadly Straights of Gilbraltor.’ boom, story. I mean, obviously add more than that, but you get my drift. The lost island is the interesting part, try to get to it a bit quicker; most of the earlier information appears irelevant at this point. War facts and history lessons don’t grab the readers attention and that is what you want to do.
You changed tenses after to history lesson. You went from past tense to present.
A few other things that stood out to me:
“The female of the species is more deadlier then the male (Rudyard Kipling’s poem The Female of the Species, 1911) ”
Haha, I always have loved this quote; Space (I think) made a song revolving around the poem. Both quotes have a nice set-up for the story. Nice touch.
“62 U-boats into the Mediterranean. All these boats had to navigate the dreaded British-controlled Straits of Gibraltar where 9 U-boats where sunk while attempting passage and 10 more had to break of their run due to damages. No U-boats ever made it back into the Atlantic and all were either sunk in battle or scuttled by their own crews.”
First of all, you should spell out the numbers (sixty-two, nine, ten, etc.) Next, repeat phrases—-9 U-boats where sunk (where = were) and ‘all were either sunk’. I think tense could be an issue here. Maybe, ’...where 9 U-boats sank while attempting…’ and possibly, ’....Atalantic, and all either sank during battle…’. Still there is the word ‘sunk’ 3 times in this (ful) paragraph. No matter which tense you use, it would be better to switch it up a bit ‘where nine fell victim to battle..” or ’...and three were taken captive by the raging sea herself…’ This waay we know that they sank, but you are showing us more vividly how. Also, this first paragraph seems to be an infodump, and maybe the second paragraph is a bettwer opening scene.
“For the good of the country and perhaps posterity. ”
I am all for sentence fragments, especially when they follow a run-on sentence. Though it is not ‘proper’ writing, it is the style I use and prefer to read. But this fragment didn’t woek for me, I think it is just the forst word. Perhaps something like, ‘This was for the good of the country.’ I think ‘and perhaps posterity’ could be omitted. This is just IMPO, of course.
“Little did they know as the sleek and streamlined grey tube glides out of the submarine pen into the open sea that these were the final days of the U-Boats” Comma after know and another one after sea.
“and was never seen again.” was = were
SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I liked the begining quote. The overall idea seems interesting. The intro is well written but it doesn’t draw the reader in. I suggest you begin with action to draw the reader in. You can dribble in the history as necessary. Let the reader figure out what is happening bit by bit.
j_cafesin reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Cool premise. I like it. It’s familiar and strange at the same time. I’m thinking this is just an outline and not the actual tale. If not, email me and I’ll give it a lot more detailed critique. But as an outline I like the story a lot. The reader could get to know the characters on board the Uboat, really get a solid view of them as people, each with a hint of a quirk and then that quirk plays out in the land of Women, where each character has a chance to arch.
Lands of amazonian women have been done before. A lot. Make sure not to play it cliche. If you keep your story rich with descriptors, especially in describing a greek type island which are of the area and extrodinary, and keep the women three dimensional, and individual with frailties that we all can relate to, I think you’ll have a great tale when you write the story.
Thanks for the read.
J. Cafesin
www.jcafesin.com
Showing 1 - 10 of 12
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
9 Reviews 1 Comment
Version 1
Latest Activity: 2 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 3 Times
Skipped: 8 Times
Ratings & Rankings
