you really don’t get what I am trying to say? I agree that the grammar is played with in this poem, I am sure any reader would notice that.
The pharmaceutical money is pouring out his mouth, that part is grammatically correct.
The title is meant to be in the doctors voice, and yes, it’s bitter.
Poetry / cancer is all about having a positive attitude
Call me Ishmael,
call me Susan or Pete
has come down with the disease
and is running a winning race
the doctor says:
She’ll shit by herself soon
He’ll brush his own teeth.
The doctor,
who’s sick from pharmaceutical money,
it’s pouring out his mouth now
and the only way to cure him
is chemo therapy,
so he thinks
he’ll shoot himself.
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sadpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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I love to read your work-always.
In this beginning you make the reader feel like it doesn’t matter the name, there is someone who is devastated. That is intelligent.
I like how you paused between the doctor says, but I am fearful of what it is. Another great attention capture!
I am unsure here, I think I would change this. Although it is true, I feel you are angry as the writer and I see that simple things we take for granted are simple no more. These two sentences are powerful. What about defecate? Pink Floyd used it and it was as powerful.
She’ll shit by herself soon
He’ll brush his own teeth.
it’s pouring out his mouth now…I love this sentence! The thought of pouring, pouring, and pouring but the disease overrides his pouring.
The ending is an all too common one. I would like for you to expand to the reasons why he feels this way, what is at stake and the demanding feeling to end it all even though it is ending anyway-maybe? I know it is all too apparent but would still burn “what it’s all for” into the readers mind.
This is sadly a great piece you’ve created. Thank you for the emotion and your empathy for human life.
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Baptizer99 reviewed Version 1 -
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Yes! This is great. I was very worried when I first read the title, but I’m glad I gave it a shot. Very funny, VERY original.
Thank you for not being cheesy, for being honest, and for sharing your full authenticity with us.
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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There’s a confusion of point of view, who is the narrator really and grammar also. Call me Ishmael, Susan or Pete has come down with the disease makes little sense. I’ve abbreviated the line for clarity. I know you mean it doesn’t matter who it is but the line is grammatically incorrect. What is the doctor pouring out his mouth now? Is he literally sick and vomiting? So who is sick, the first three people or the doctor? Why does he need chemotherapy? There’s an underlying bitterness to this poem that belies the positive title, if it’s an attempt at humor, I don’t get it. What are you really trying to say here?
alec reviewed Version 1 -
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The transition from the first to second stanza is awkward, particularly un-punctuated as it is. It gets better towards the end; the second last stanza doesn’t read well but the imagery is strong. The poem could be improved very easily, it has a good deal of promise.
TiffVicious reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay first of all when i first seen the title.. I PAUSED.. my 22 yr old cousin (like a sis) was just diagnosed with cancer…so I read it.. and It took me some place I didn’t expect to go, when you cut into “The doctor, who’s sick from pharmaceutical money, ” I was like, this WRITER knows how to spin a story upside down and on its head. Now all you have to do it keep going from there and take the readers for another twist around the bend. YOU ARE A TRULY TALENTED WRITER!
teaddub reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece is fairly evocative, the last line is makes it somewhat cathartic, the overall cadence and flow is well timed, and in the beginning the various elements are well placed. The thoughts about the Doctor’s betrayal of humanity, or at least his own patients, are a bit out of sync, though, because we see him actually helping his patients. Who cares that he is getting paid off by the drug companies, if his patients don’t die?
So I thought it was a good poem, I don’t think it is all that original; unless it was written by a doctor. Many people feel that way about doctors.
emoisamusic reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an interesting poem, which seems to go from one character to another in a matter of sentences. What I really enjoyed reading in your poem is how the entire thing flows so eloquently and easily sliding into a new topic.
However, my only suggestion being is the last sentence seems a little out of the aura you get reading it.
It is abrupt, and maybe using “around the bush” terms, would be easier for the audience to understand.
But I know it is your poem, therefore I feel no need to draw my own idea on your picture.
Kudos to you.
avkoshy reviewed Version 1 -
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i don’t see why you’ve put the comma after The doctor in stanza four
it’s funny and biiter , quite effective but don’t get why the thing shifts to doctor-centred stuff at end
EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
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Very interesting poem, if bleak. :) I like that it’s not at all the same familiar stuff the title would lead you to believe that it is. The best part of this poem is the surprising shift in focus from the patient to the doctor. Well done, and insightful.That’s also the part that bothered me grammatically though…
“The doctor, / who’s sick…” since you never offer another verb to go with subject “doctor”, you might change “who’s” to “is”. Then you could change the comma after “money” to a period and avoid the run-on sentence you have presently in the penultimate stanza.
”...out his mouth now” – semicolon after “now”
“chemo therapy” -> chemotherapy
Nice work. :)
GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is an interesting idea.
I like the inexact (“slant”) rhyme.
I think there should be a pronoun at the beginning of line 3.
I think the last stanza needs work. I think you should elaborate on the fate of the doctor. Not sure why he would want to shoot himself if he’s sick from pharmaceutical money.
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