Poetry / Topanga (Mushy Acoustic) (Analysis)

I enjoyed the read, though the line “I don’t know why I’d rather die than live sometimes” I feel it doesn’t quite fit with the rest of the scheme. Possible rewording of that phrase could be, “I don’t know why I’d rather die than live at times.” The word sometimes I just don’t feel is the perfect fit. Whether it stretches it out too much or what.

A lot of this scanned quite well, and at points where it did not I got the impression that is the words were sung correctly then it would scan.

I would re-think the use of ‘sick,’ and ‘hiatus’ and replace them.  They seem lost and out of place within the flow of the body of the work.

‘frist kiss’ & ‘dreams with’ went together particulary well.

Your first 2 verses begin to delivery what promises to be a big story but then does not move forward and only repeats what it has to say.  I think there is scope here to extend the song a lot.

Without hearing the music that accompanies these lyrics it is difficlut to tell how they all hang together.

Flack

Wow, sorry but that did nothing for me. Maybe a few points for sincerity, but that will only get you so far. This is really juvenile, and I know how harsh that might sound. Unless you are a young kid, this is just repetitive song lyrics.

I’m also a bit afraid of the narrator here, creeped out is a better term actually. This reads a bit like stalker fiction, and that does have its place, but not here.

Sincerity and rhythm, but not much else for me. Maybe next time.

Did you know that there is a lyrics category on URBIS?  I think that you should post this there, because it does not work as poetry, and that’s kinda like false advertising :)

Anyway.  As far as the words go, I think you do a little too much repeating, even for a song.  There doesn’t really seem to be a defined refrain, just stanzas (sorry I’m a poetry junkie) that you repeat over and over.  

There is also some jumbled up meaning, like for example, why would you not be able to see his face if the lightning struck?  This doesn’t work, not even for lyrics.  There has to be a reason for things.  

I also think that you should elliminate the word “life” from the phrase “we will live life again”  it’s redundant.  We will live again would suffice.

I wonder what it sounds like, what is the chord progression?

Good luck

I thought it was a pretty good read but I didn’t understand the meaning behind if you could die and come back from hiatus you know you would be the same.. Why would you want to die and come back the same.. Just a question. I also did not understand when you are saying the story of your life has a really sharp twist an it doesn’t get good until I meet you… If your talking about your past maybe you should talk about meeting her in the past. Maybe something like, and it didn’t get good until I met you. Overall I thought it was good and maybe with a little work it could be a great song someday. Good Luck

I like what you’re saying in this poem it brings back memories, but I would suggest adding more descriptive words. Change “So I can see your face again” to something else because its an over-used phrase.

All righty then. In the English language there are certain conventions that determine the way we right. In poetry these conventions are not the same, and sometimes don’t apply at all. In this piece, however, there are some confusing issues that tend to detract from the meaning of the piece, or at least from my interpretation of it.

You start of with a nice verse, the cadence is nice and is supported by an AABA rhyming scheme. This verse is sweet and very understandable. Your next verse starts the same way, in poetry repetition is a very good device to understand, but then it progresses to a different set of rules altogether. Neither the rhyming scheme nor the cadence continue, the expectation you set the reader up for is not realized, and this is disappointing at first and as we read along it actually detracts from the enjoyment of the piece.

At this point it all dissolves, and while you do make some repetitious stanzas, you don’t really bring us back to the sweet, smooth and enjoyable feeling we had in the first stanza. As I read this, I just couldn’t wait for it to end. That is a sad, but let me see if I can help you a little.

You don’t have to have a rhythm, but if you start with one, it would be good to finish with the same one. You seem to have a two syllable “foot” in the first stanza, with four feet in the first, second, and fourth lines, while your third line has the classic iambic pentameter rhythm, two rising syllables per foot, and five feet per line. (Rising means the first syllable is not stressed, the second one is.) If you remember that when writing the rest, it becomes easier to match your cadence to a specific rhythm.

As to the rhyme, look at the end of each line. The first rhyme sound is ‘A,’ The second is ‘B,’ etc. In the first stanza that looks like ‘AABA.’ In your second stanza you should try to mimic that, but you don’t have to start out with ‘A.’ You could start out with ‘B,’ so that it rhymed like ‘BBCB,’ or you could start with a different rhyme and do a ‘CCDC.’ If you do something like this it is best to stick with the same pattern throughout your piece.

The best way I have found to make the rhythm and rhyme work throughout the piece is
1) Don’t sweat the details TOO much (Your first line has one foot that is a falling foot and one that only has one syllable. It still works in the same rhythm pattern and does not detract from the nice feeling of the stanza.)
2) Write down what you want to say and if it doesn’t fit the patterns you have chosen, work with word choice, find every way to say the same thing, then work with syntax (That is the order you write the words).
3) if you still can’t get everything within a reasonable facsimile of your original rhyme and rhythm, see if it becomes easier by changing your pattern to something else from the start.

Of course you could always just write free verse, which has no rhyme or rhythm, and that sounds easier, but I have found it harder because it still needs to have a serviceable cadence, and this is harder to define and imitate over several stanzas. The key here: if you start with one pattern or type of poem, stick with it.

There is also the matter of your repetition. It is a device used by many poets, myself included. It can be over used and I think this is a case where that was done. It seems more like a song than a poem, but then you would have classed this under lyrics not poetry.

Finally and most importantly, your message. This seems to be “I can’t live without you” or something like that. You have taken a long time to say this, and again the lyric is a better way to classify this particular piece, because of the telling aspect of the poetry. A truly well crafted poem is evocative, I would not necessarily read that you are in love; I would feel it, see it and live it with you. This does not quite make it in that aspect.

Overall a nice effort at a beginning, I would like to see what you could do with it now that you understand these basic rules of poetry. Keep me posted as you revise!

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June 13, 2008

by CourtshipLives

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21	M	Miami, FL	November 18

Thank so you so much for the review. I wasn’t educational and kind. These are actually lyrics, which you might not have read in the reader’s note, or guessed by the title. I simply did not want to post this under lyrics because I know for a fact that most people, myself included, hate reviewing lyrics without the music. I know this cannot stand on its own as a poem but I do believe it has poetic value. I’d love to read your feedback reconsidering the genre. I’d also love to know your thoughts on the actual content. Thanks,
-CL!

June 16, 2008

by teaddub

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49	M	Longview, WA	November 21

So if you want it reviewed as lyrics, don’t try to trick me into reviewing it as poetry.

I gave my thoughts on the actual content: “Finally and most importantly, your message. This seems to be “I can’t live without you” or something like that. You have taken a long time to say this, and again the lyric is a better way to classify this particular piece, because of the telling aspect of the poetry. A truly well crafted poem is evocative, I would not necessarily read that you are in love; I would feel it, see it and live it with you. This does not quite make it in that aspect.”

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The rhythm is off. The rhyme seems forced without a natural flow.  Which takes away from your work and the repetition. serves no purpose or gives any new information. You have a good base, work it. Break up the run on sentences.Best of luck!!!

the line given below breaks the rhythm

don’t know why I’d rather die than live sometimes.

works as lyrics but too much repetiiton
cut it in half