LOVE LOVE LOVE
I told you. It was grand seeing you here! You’re right about my error. Thank you
Poetry / In A World Not So Far From Your Own
In A World Not So Far From Your Own
In a world not so far from your own
there is a distant rumble of horses’ hooves on cobblestone streets.
The spine chilling shrill of medieval swords mating in the moonlight conceiving justice and honor.
Beautiful souls seek desperately for the answers
but haven’t yet asked the questions.
Murals depicting beauty and faith;
fat angelical women fade from the walls of his castle.
Each season brings more unbearable heat and frustration…
The big fish; our brothers, no longer sparkle in the twilight of the sea
As they did in their final rage.
Trees we planted, which in fact were faithful to the end, are all gone now,
they house this realm we call technology.
In a world not so far from your own
ugly, hollow faces stare down on our children laughing at what we’ve left them:
No horses or swords to fight their battles, no forest to seek shelter,
no imagination from which to rebuild their dreams…
In a world not so far from your own.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
CloClo reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I ache over the fact we don’t have the horses or the swords or the forests to seek shelter in, most days of my life and I’m very grateful that it has been addressed in this poem. I’m obviously not the only one.
I did have to read it twice to fully grasp the idea of the poem but this one is more indepth than the other poem I have just reviewed.
I don’t know where you got your vocabulary from, but if you are ever looking for just one thing to be proud of, stick a stamp on that because your use of words is amazing!
I love the idea that this medieval world isn’t too far away from our own modern day world, it adds such a mystical sense of adventure and you can’t help but let your mind wonder.
‘The spine chilling shrill of medieval swords mating in the moonlight conceiving justice and honor.’ – This is my favourite line. I have never thought of swords mating, but the context you have used it in, makes it seem natural and explainable. Also, the words ‘justice’ and ‘honor’ are very powerful and really stands out making this particular line very effective.
I’m looking forward to read more of your work. Chloé
- add/view comments (1)
realeyes69 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love the way you think. Your use of language is awsome. the flow is superb. Its easy to read and simple to understand. There is only one place where I slowed…..”but haven’t yet to ask the questions”..... why the contraction?
But have yet to ask the questions?
all in all one of the best poems I’ve read to date on this site including my own,I am officially your fan
Sweettouch reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nice flow and the only thing I would change is I think a typo in the following line.
“they house this realm we call technology” should that really be they at the beginning?
This has a fanciful feel to it but asks a serious question that is age after age left to the poets to ponder – What of the children?
Very nice write and excellent flow of idea and thought.
chrry81 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
HEy!
I liked your poem, i think it has potential but needs a bit of work..
for example the third line of the first verse is too long,
in the third verse there shouldn’t be a semi-colon after big fish, just regular colon will do.
in the fourth verse i think you should remove the colon after ugly and then divide the line:
In a world not so far from your own
ugly hollow faces stare down on our children
laughing at what we’ve left them:
and i didn’t really like the last line, i think you could give it a better ending..
overall it’s good though
nice work
Katja reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Very beautiful and inspiring.
Baptizer99 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I have to first begin by admitting my bias: I love the message of this poem. Thank you for writing it and sharing it with us.
It is well-crafted, patient, and thoughtful. Keep fighting the good fight.
The one part that left me a little confused was “final rage.” Is this a reference to the whales? Has this rage happened yet?
crystinawritersblog reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The poem was really good and descriptive but i was a little confused in the fifth stanza so i think you should reword it a bit.
TiffVicious reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love how you ended this. I loved the message. I thought everything was beautifully illustrated. The only thing that bothered me was your use of the word “fat” and its only because that word is holds such a negative meaning in todays society… and I dont think that a word used to describe a womans figure (whatever the size) should be one that people will naturally think of as a bad thing? Overall, I loved it!
sagittarius1212 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like this poem. The imagery is okay and the clarity a better.
I am confused by this line though:
The big fish; our brothers, no longer sparkle in the twilight of the sea
As they did in their final rage.
I thin final rage is throwing this off. You might want to change that to something that is more identifiable.
Other than that a good poem.
youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I struggle with the fantasy style imagery, though this is nicely put together I have absolutely no idea what it means and no real way of relating to it
Showing 1 - 10 of 15
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
15 Reviews 16 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 5 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 162 Times
Skipped: 5 Times
Ratings & Rankings
