Poetry / Invisible Rocks
She often stumbled when she walked
Down the narrow streets of home
Defiant in her childish sulk
She never watched where her feet would roam
People would look up to her
But she would pass them on by
No response to their friendly gestures
Or a simple hi
She kept her eyes on the pavement
But tripped over every loose stone
In her mind she would lament
Every sin there was to atone
She felt that she had no business
Walking on this road at all
So consumed in her listlessness
She felt like a wallflower at a ball
It was said that she had been cursed
To walk this road alone
That the happiness in her soul dispersed
When she lost the love of one.
For he had left her for another
One that smiled even when it rained
She let his opinion tear her asunder
Till all she had left was the pain
If only she had lifted her head
And seen all there was to see
Her life of loneliness would have come to an end
And been filled with so much beauty
But she walked along her narrow road
Stumbling over her invisible rocks
Carrying with her the heavy load
Of the life her heart had blocked.
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GREAT POEM. THE RYTHUM, IMAGERY AND CLARITY ARE ALL VERY WELL DONE.
THE ONLY CORRECTIONS THAT I SEE WOULD BE PUNCTUATION IF YOU CARE ABOUT THAT (SOME WRITERS ARE ADAMANT ABOUT NOT USING IT) WHICH WOULD BE PERIODS AT THE END OF EACH LINE.
ALSO, I NOTICED THAT IN THIS LINE THE RYTHUM IS JUST A LITTLE OFF:Or a simple hi MAYBE YOU COULD CHANGE IT TO: Or even a simple hi…
Great Job!!
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This poem is publishable after several critiques and your revisions.
You are an excellent writer portraying her in the first three stanzas, but after that we let go of her in abstraction.
I am not rewriting this for you, but your poem would be more active if:
1st/2nd line (She stumbled down)
2nd stz (People looked at her)
3rd stz ( she tripped)
....
Last stanza (She walked and stumbled)
By past tense you can make her an active person we can relate to.
You have experience writing shown by your stz. construction, but give life to your character, “She lifted her head.”
Bravo. Please Revise.
lovely, i like your use of images in this. I understood her, and felt pity. I think this piece would benefit from a little more punctuation for emphasis.
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