Humor/Satire / The Write Effect
Dear Reader,
I come to you today to give my humbly authoritative knowledge on the race of Homo sapiens that is so dearly called writers. It is in my experience that while writers share an unrealistically high self image, not all acquire and display it in the same ways. As I have so painstakingly done research for many years I have come to the conclusion that no one else should suffer such as I have. So it is my great pleasure to introduce you to the knowledge of distinguishing the right writer.
The written poet is an emotional creature that often annoys every fiber of his friends with his rants. His main purpose in life is to squander his days sitting around and pondering about life and love, while his main goal is to find life and love. However, sitting around brings him nothing and he therefore wastes his life until he finds a lovely being to fall in love with, who eventually destroys his soul, creating more things for him to rant and write about.
The performance poet, like the written poet, is an emotional creature. Unlike the written poet, he puts emotion into more than love and life. Usually you will find him pleading with you to find a cure for AIDs, stop global warming, or simply to treat him like the human that he is. The intelligent people of this species will not fall for it and see him for what he really is, the new generation of hippie.
The novelist puts his entire heart and soul into creating a piece to publish with which he will be admired and respected for. In most cases he will publish many novels before he strikes gold with one and becomes an “instant” hit. This, building upon his already overly inflated writer’s ego, gives him a “the world is in the palm of my hands” feeling, which is a poison among minds like many other drugs. He will produce more novels at the request of his publishers and readers; however, he will not do it without selling out. The new novels will rarely have as much heart and soul in them and therefore deep down will mean nothing compared to the perfected gems he worked so hard to create earlier in his career.
The short story writer is an idiot in all forms of the word. He also suffers from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. These two personality flaws make it so that he does not have enough in his thick head to stick with a plot for long enough to develop it into a novel. He must stop after twenty pages in order to keep people under the impression that he is a genius.
The memoirist was not loved as a child and feels he must enchant the world with the tale of his frightful childhood, or whatever point of life he feels was the most difficult. He wants your sympathy because no one else would give it to him as a child, or misguided adult. Also many people who are not of the writing kind, mostly politicians, dabble in this art hoping to win some recognition for their hardships and try to convince the public that they are indeed a good person at heart. Under no circumstances should you fall for it. Memoirs are written to screw the public over and that is all.
The playwright is the most uppity of all writers. In his mind, since he is performed on stage and represented by live objects he rules. In reality he is just the most dramatic – no pun intended. He will harp over absolutely nothing and expect everything. No one has told him that once he’s done the play is in the hands of the director.
The screen writer is a sellout hands down. He who writes for Hollywood usually writes of superficial things, but we cannot blame him for that. He is surrounded by the superficial. After a few years of slumming it with the rich and fabulous, he’ll become to think of himself and rich and fabulous, superficiality and all. With this he’ll demand more and more and when he doesn’t get it he’ll go on strike. Humph! He needs to stick with his horrid job and continue writing so I can continue enjoying what few sitcoms are left on a media that’s grossly infected with “reality” television. When you think about it, the world really doesn’t need screen writers if reality television was really reality. In other words, a screen writer is the most disposable of all the writers and for this he becomes very bitter and obsessed with age like the actors he works with.
The journalist has the least amount of soul of all writers, not because he writes horribly, but because he writes so wonderfully. He can twist and turn a story with enough verisimilitude to make the smallest of things appear the most magnificent. With his lack of soul, he can take down anyone and ruin a life in five hundred words, and if he’s absolutely fabulous, just a headline will do.
The song writer is very much like the written poet in that he is emotional and always thinking about life and love. The main difference, however, is that he is not as annoying as the written poet and uses his talents to acquire much desired money. In most cases he does not even write on what he knows; he writes on what the person paying him the most wants. It’s the whole proverb of “He who pays the piper picks the tune” materializing in present day.
The essayist has no life at all and insists on boring the general population with talk of subjects no one outside his specific field cares about. He will often make farfetched insights to get noticed and spew out enough information with unbeknownst words to back everything he says up. No one will understand what he is saying, however if enough of his colleagues agree with him – based off of what I have no clue – people will follow his every word. Remember the Y2K scare? There is no doubt that an essayist created that notion. I must admit that that took a fairly impressionable amount of talent. Kudos to the half-wit that came up with that.
The technical writer is an extreme bore. He couldn’t make it as a creative writer and has had to settle for writing manuals that no one ever reads. However, if you have not noticed, manuals are always a terrible read and no matter how clear and concise directions are written in one, you very rarely understand what you are being asked to do. Because of this, a technical writer feels he is more intelligent than the rest of the population, however, he only knows a small amount of what there is to know in this world. Therefore he possesses a sophomoric attitude.
The textbook writer is a more creative form of the technical writer. He keeps the youth ignorant of everything they need to know to survive in the world after education. He lies and deceives; weaves and sews a new form of every subject there is, especially if he’s writing history. Nothing a textbook writer tells you will be the truth because the truth is that he once wanted to become a fiction writer, however, his skills were so horrid that he could not make it in the fiction realm of writing. This is evident in the lack of imagery and style he puts into his textbook.
The critical writer, like the technical writer, could not make it as a creative writer, however lacks the intelligence the technical writer possesses. The critical writer will mask his stupidity in critiquing the work of others and putting it down. He will say things such as “x”. After which he will then say something along the lines of “I’m old, fairly stupid, and I never did set women’s hearts a flutter when I came into the room. To make matters worse, I’m a know-it-all. People often dislike me when we first meet, but after a while they usually find themselves thinking ‘Hey. He was right.’” The problem with this is that even if he is right, he will always be a talentless asshole to the public.
So there you have it, the categories of the writers you will come across over your lifetime if you’re severely unfortunate. Their egos are like none other, unless you’re dealing with actors, but even then you can trick an actor because they are grandly forgotten when it comes to intelligence. A writer may never be tricked and rarely knocked off his pedestal. Thank goodness I will never be mistaken for one.
Sincerely,
I Will Always Be Better Than You
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“based off of what I have no clue”—> based on what…
Essayist is my favourite.
I feel you missed the opportunity for greater hilariousness with the critical writer, they are so disliked in the real world you shouldn’t lack material on them.
Well written, funny.
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Some readers will recognize themselves in this, and that’s good. There is, of course room for expansion here. Why not make a point about flash-fiction writers having the shortest attention span of all the short story writers?
You could possibly go further with the playwright by hypothesizing about how a playwright-slash-director might be.
Proofreading notes:
screen writer, song writer = screenwriter, songwriter
“he’ll become to . . .” (Something’s wrong here. Do you mean “he’ll come to . . .” ?)
unbeknownst = without the knowledge of (Usage, wrong word. Do you mean obscure or unfamiliar?)
saying, however if = saying; however, if . . . (Due to the complexity of the punctuation that follows, the semicolon makes the structure of this sentences clearer.)
based off of what = based on (delete off of)
impressionable = easily influenced (Usage, wrong word. Do you mean impressive or imposing?)
population, however, he (however here begins the independent clause, so there must be a semicolon before it. Same here: writer, however, his skills . . .)
Clearly written, flows easily, and totally true! The description of each type of writer is dead on. I will look for more of your work.
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