Thank you so much for taking the time to review my work. You are not the first to point out that Jake and Glen are too similar. I plan to make then less so in the re-write. I wanted feedback about the story to see if it holds the reader’s attention. Thank you for reassuring me I have potential with this and encourage me to continue. English was not my best subject so I struggle with that freq. I don’t know if I think to fast to get it down right or the reverse is the problem. I’m in the middle of a brush up course so I hope it helps in my writing. I just started taking this seriously in December although I dabbled with it in the past. As far as Jake and Glen solving the crime—will they? I have a few twists and turns in store that may prove this mystery is not as simple as it is lead to believe. If you call mounting body parts simple that is Thanks again for your constructive critism.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / The Twelve Bloody Days of Christmas - Chapter 9
Jake and Glen left the Goldstein property, after apologizing for having to leave her son’s room in such disarray. Once in the car the two men just sat there for a moment in silence. Jake’s booming voice shattered the stillness.
“What the hell is going on in this town Glen? I know it was bad before Katrina, but shit is going from bad to worse now.
“I know Jake. This killer is getting bolder and bolder every day. We have gotta get a handle on this thing before any more people are killed. I’m just not sure how in the hell to do it yet.”
“Did they give you any idea about what happened ?”
“Not yet Jake. All they said was it happened in the French Quarter at Woldenberg Park.”
“Most everyone knows not to go down there to the river at night. Glen, please tell me it wasn’t tourists.”
“I don’t know anything yet Jake. The sooner we get down there, the sooner we’ll find out.”
The men rode in silence toward the crime scene, each in their own thoughts. Woldenberg Park was off Canal street. It was built on old wharves on the banks of the Mississippi river. The park was a place where residents and tourists alike came to meditate and watch the riverboats pass by. Several of those riverboats dock nearby and conducted tours at certain times. The park itself was located on thirteen acres of green, having everything from crepe myrtles, Magnolias and more than three hundred oaks. Every year they held the traditional Lundi Festivities there, that kicked off Mardi Gras. This celebration was similar to a street carnival complete with stages, vendors and street performers. Glen worried that this sudden rash of murders would shed a bad light on things and keep people away. The city was in need of the revenue since Katrina hit and had destroyed so much. As they pulled up as close as they could get to the park, they could see the yellow police tape cording off the steps as well as the sign to the park. There were several people milling around, but none could get close enough to see anything. As they approached, they could hear laughing coming from two of the officers closest to the bodies. Jake was livid.
“Man I would really love getting me a piece of those bitches alive or dead,” said Officer Baldwyn as he rubbed his groin.
“Hell yeah. Did you get a load of the tits on that red head,” said Russell as he was bring his hands up to emphasize the size on his own chest.
“What the hell do you think your doing! This is not a laughing matter. If you insist on acting like little school boys, I’ll arrange for both of you to sit behind a desk for a while until you learn how to conduct yourself. There are people watching and listening. What kind of message are you sending to them? We get enough of a bum wrap without you giving them something else for them to bitch about. Get the hell out of here, both of you.”
The two men just looked at Jake with a mixture of shame and resentment. They looked to Glen for support and when they didn’t get it, they hung their heads and went down toward the river out of Jake’s line of vision. One of the other officers had heard Jake’s spiel and came closer to the detectives to offer apologies for the two chastised men.
“I’m sorry Detective Monahan. They should have known better. I’ll see to it they get wrote up and do some desk time for a while.” He pause to look at the bodies along with Jake and Glen.
“There’s no need for you to apologize for those men Bill. They’re the ones that should apologize. Me too for that matter. This killer is making me lose what little patience I had left. Six. Six bodies in three days. What the hell could possess someone into doing this. Just look at them. Completely naked with plastic bags over there heads and lips ripped from there faces. What kind of monster could do this?”
“Beats the hell out of me. Let me fill you men in on what we know so far. That lady over there in the blue jogging suit with black hair, was running here along the river. As she was walking toward the steps to go to her car, she glanced at the sign here and noticed a body under the brush. She thought it was just one, she didn’t get very close. She called us and when we arrived, we found it to be three of them. When I saw the lips gone, it sounded to me like what you’ve been working on so I put a call into the station for them to get in touch with one of you.”
“Any witnesses besides the lady?”, asked Glen.
“No sir, it was early so only a few people were out. Most of the runners go the length of the pier. She kind of twisted her ankle so she was calling it a day when she came across them.”
“What time was it?” Jake inquired.
“We got the call at about seven-fifteen. I’d say she came across them at about seven or shortly thereafter.”
“Has anything been touched?”, asked Glen.
“No sir. That is exactly how we found them. There’s no blood on the ground or on the bodies. The forensic team took some plaster casts of the footprints surrounding the bodies, but with as much traffic as goes through here, I think it’s a waste of time.”
“Your probably right Bill, but anything is better than nothing.”, commented Jake.
“We’re just waiting for the coroner for follow up and to load up the bodies.”
“Bill, did you get plenty of pictures of the crime scene and surrounding areas?”
“Yes sir Detective Jamison. I even had a few officers branch out along the walkway to see if they could find anything like clothes or ID’s. It’s almost like they appeared from no where and landed where we found them.”
“That’s it Bill. Thanks for your time. We’re headed back to the station if you need us.”, stated Jake.
“Yes sir.”
**
Back at the station, both men sat in their perspective chairs quietly. Glen was the one who finally broke the silence.
“Jake, I think it’s time we break out old Betsy.”
“Now your talking Glen. Maybe she can help us sort this thing out.”
With that, Jake got up and went to the old wobbly chalkboard that was in the corner of the room. He gently turned it around to face the desks. He opened his top drawer and removed a single piece if white chalk from a box and faced once again the board.
“Betsy,” Jake started. “We need your help with a new case we’re working on. I know you won’t let us down like a lot of women would.” Glen smiled at Jake. “It’s got us kinda stumped, and with your help, I think we can solve it. What do say old gal. Will you help us?”
There was a pregnant pause as the men waited giving Betsy time to respond.
“Jake, I think she said she would be glad to help us in our hour of need.”
Both men laughed heartily, releasing the tension that had been building up in them since the first body was found. Jake closed the blinds to the squad room while Glen pulled them down on the window of the door. They were going to put up information on the blackboard not meant for anyone’s eyes but theirs. When they left, they would turn the board around so no one passing by could glance at what was written on it.
“Glen, you do the honors. My handwriting even I can’t read once it gets cold.”
Glen took the long piece of chalk from Jake’s hand and approached the chalkboard. He drew six lines down the board filling in the victim’s names on all but the three last lines.
He then entered the date, time, place and method of each murder followed by what piece of body part was taken from each victim. He added to Mr. Partridge and Henry Goldstein’s column about the tattoo each had in common along with the “club” they might have been members of with a question mark next to it. He made notes regarding the lack of blood at the scenes as well as each ones age and marital status, making sure to connect the Goldsteins for this one. He also added such things as race, religion and evidence found at scene. He was sure to leave this off of Sandy Goldsteins column because they hadn’t checked into her as yet. When he was finished he turned to Jake and smiled.
“Ya know Jake. I think old Betsy here could use a much younger friend to share her space with. Why don’t you requisition one from central supply. I hope we won’t need it.”
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Oh!! I’m so glad you have another chapter up.
after apologizing for having to leave her son’s room - it might work better if you say after apologizing to __ for leaving her son’s room
This killer I love the FBI term ‘unsub’ for unidentified suspect. Add an expletive, and it fits Jake’s personality
you think your you’re
he two men just looked at Jake with a mixture of shame and resentment. this is a POV shift, the reader shouldn’t know what is in their minds. May be describe what these ‘looks’ look like
there heads and lips ripped from there faces. ‘their’ heads and ‘their’ lips
I think you’ve tightened this up nicely, and I like the progression and development of Jake and Glen. I think maybe doing up a little more about the street festival, describe the fragrance of the grilling sausage or the sweet sugary smell of funnel cakes or the chickory coffee. And the colors of the flags and banners flying and the different music playing—- set it up as such a contrast to the bodies lying on the shore.
This is such a great noir story.
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okay, so I realize that I’m starting on chp. 9 and I may be missing some charater development but here’s what strikes me most: jake and glen. They need contrast. Plot is driven by well-orchestrated characters. Here’s an example I used to give to my kids, the classic “Scooby Doo” example, one of the best cartoons ever, right? Why? On one hand you have fred and daphne, kind of bland goodie-two-shoes types with determination, resolve, and so on. On the other hand you have shaggy and scooby, who’d rather be cowering in the mystery machine or taking care of the munchies. Different types of people that need and make use of each other to achieve an end goal, yes? The cartoon would be horribly boring if it were peopled with all “fred and daphne types” and it would never get anywhere with all “shaggy and scooby” types. I’m partial to cartoons but if you look at any great literary duo the same adage applies.
On a different note, I really like the “removal of the lips”. In this genre (mystery/thriiler) your reader picks up and begins reading your novel already knowing the ending: jake and glen will eventually solve the crime. It’s in the clever plot twists, and mysterious clues where they will be entertained. The missing lips is a good hook here, i like it. It makes me wonder what will happen next. Keep it coming, keep us guessing!
Now here is a bit of sentence level editing and a few suggestions:
“Jake and Glen left the Goldstein property, after apologizing for having to leave her son’s room in such disarray.”
-“her” you haven’t introduced a woman in this chapter yet, it needs clarification.
“Several of those riverboats dock nearby”
-docked
“having everything from crepe myrtles, Magnolias and more than three hundred oak”
-having everything from crepe myrtles to magnolias to oak trees.
“as he was bring his hands”
- bringing or brought
“you think your doing!”
-you’re
“a desk for a while until you learn how to conduct yourself”
-either “awhile” or “until you learn how to conduct yourself”. Also, with this passage it feels more like a school teacher scolding unruly children (with the exception of the word “hell”) and less like a senior officer telling underlings to “have some goddam respect or else”.
“over there heads”
-their
“That lady over there in the blue jogging suit with black hair, was running here along the river. As she was walking toward the steps to go to her car, she glanced at the sign here and noticed a body under the brush”
-with this passage give us some “cop talk”. This officer is telling too detailed a story. I understand that “writer’s need” to make your audience see it, but don’t sacrifice authenticity. Let them imagine it for themselves. One witness, female jogger, etc. The details are in the report.
““What the hell is going on in this town Glen”
“I know Jake”
“Not yet Jake.”
“there to the river at night. Glen, “
- you must be Irish!!! The only race of people I’ve ever come across in the whole world who address each other by name almost every time they speak a sentence are the Irish!
Overall, I’m really please with the plot here. You’re promising suspense and thrills, and I want to read more. Great job there, just develop those characters a bit, shine it up and see it really sparkle!
Good chapter. I think it reads even better this time. I have been looking forward to chapter ten.
Just a couple comments…
You use their names a lot in the dialogue. It’s a conveniate way to help the reader keep track of who is speaking. But, realistiacaly real people don’t use each other’s names that often. Try to limit the use of names in conversation.
“rubbed his groin.” Grabbed?
I like the addition of the officers conversation, works well.
“Completely naked with plastic bags over there heads and lips ripped from there faces.” This might be more effective if you described this outside of the dialogue.
one of you. Missing quotation mark.
I like the story, and I like the detectives—but at about page two, I realized that I have a hard time connecting with them, maybe because we are in both their heads. Neither one is important enough to be the “main focus.” On page two, it references “both of them” when talking about how the detectives hoped it wouldn’t mess up tourism. Then Jake yells at the two uniformed officers and “both men” (ie officers) felt the verbal blows… the reader needs to feel close to (probably) only one main character.
This chapter does move the story forward. It keeps stacking up the dead bodies, and that usually helps a crime story.
_ I know we have more than the average crime rate down here but damn it, this is just fucking ridiculous!”_ This piece of dialogue is awkward, it sort of sounds like you are trying to get information out to the reader. These guys (the two detectives) obviously know that their precint has a higher than normal crime rate. They don’t have to tell each other. Give the reader credit for knowing it, too.
**This celebration was similar to a street carnival complete with stages, vendors and street performers. All in all a wonderful time in New Orleans. While this is interesting, it is ‘narrator intrusion.’ It’s when the author has to explain something that should be self-evident, or isn’t important. Especially with the “wonderful time’ part.
Lips missing? Sounds gory and unique, but does NOT sound like the other two cases the detectives are working on except in numerology terms. First case had one victim, second case had two victims, 3rd case had three victims…
perspective chairs = respective chairs
They were going to okay, this is an example of where you are keeping the reader at arm’s distance from the detectives. You went from sort-of-close third taking about “jake” and “Glen” and then changed it to “They were..” I would delete these two sentences. Then when the detectives actually do leave the room, have one of them turn Betsy around and say something like “This ain’t for public consumption yet, Betsy.” Then it becomes showing rather than telling and it involves the reader.
This is another interesting chapter. The clues to the murders get more interesting all the time… missing lips… I can’t wait for the next chapter.
Just a thought… You may want to consider making Glen and Jake a little more different with their speech and mannerisms. I have found myself having difficulty keeping straight which one it the older one with the family. It may be just because I wasn’t able to sit down and read the chapters in a row.
“As they approached, they could hear laughing coming from two of the officers” This would be a great scene to expand. What were the officers saying? Write out the whole scene.
Cute ending with Betsy and getting her a friend.
On the first page you wrote “I know Jake. This killers getting bolder and bolder every day. We have gotta get a handle on this thing before any more people are killed. I’m just not sure how in the hell to do it yet.”
The way you wrote killers should be ‘killer is’ because the other way you implied more than one killer. If you meant more than one killer, that could be a serious spoof to your story.
“three hundred oaks trees” When writing, you might want to use just one plural when the words are next to each other. Like you could put three hundred oaks, or three hundred oak trees. Either way works.
“Mari Gras” I think you meant Mardi Gras. Just a typo. :)
Page Three
“This killer is making me loose what little patience I had left.” Loose should be lose. I think it’s another typo…loose is like ‘untightening’ something. Lose is when something is lost.
“posses” typo…should be possess.
“Completely naked with plastic bags over there heads and lips ripped from there faces. ” The word there is a grammatical error. There implies a place, their implies more than one person.
“No sir, It was early so only a few people were out.” You already started the sentence with a capital, so after the comma,” It” is okay as “it.”
Page Five
“He added to Mr. Partridge and Henry Goldstein’s collum about the tattoo each had in common along with the “club” they might have been members of with a question mark next to it.” Collum- If you meant the lines that were drawn, I think the word is column. I could be wrong, but I do think that’s what you meant. :)
“He was sure to leave this off of Sandy Goldsteins collum because they hadn’t checked into her as yet. When he was finished he turned to Jake and smiled.” That word collum appears again. Just wanted to point it out.
Okay, now that all of the technicalities are dealt with, I love love triple love this story. I think that you’ve gotten much more descriptive, and have expanded on the character detail greatly. I can’t wait to read the next installment.
Take care,
-Me.
Your descriptions are very clear and concise, so well done there. I did find your dialogue a bit too, for want of a better word, genuine (read: mundane). For example, I cannot see a detective in a story uttering something along the lines of the first line of your dialogue. You’ll see what I mean if you analyse what Poirot and Holmes say and how they say it, and how this either contributes to the story, or how this contributes to characterisation. Loved seeing Betsy around, though. Good luck!
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