Lyrics / The Down Below (Analysis)

Nice anti-societal piece for anybody who’s felt jaded or targeted or used by unfair systems.  The rhyming is very consistent all throughout the piece, and I think you do a good job of it.  The only part I wonder about is the loss/lost rhyme.  It feels a bit off compared to the rest of the piece, and it doesn’t create the ‘there’s them, there’s us-there’s this, there’s that’ feel that the other top two lines of each stanza have. They’re too closely related, in other words.
Tomorrow’s freedom-today’s price.  Excellent line, very memorable.  The down below is also a title I think people who heard a song with these lyrics would easily remember.  Not bad.

“We’ve been here – we that know
we live here – the down below”  —Powerful, well done.

“Tomorrow’s Freedom – Today’s Price.
this comes from the ones that know
we run this – the down below.”  —Again, wonderful word choice here.

I’m curious as to what music this will be put to.  No matter, this is a wonderful and powerful piece.  The word choice, imagery, repetition and break up are simply perfect.

Keep up the good work!
Melissa

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July 18, 2008

by Rexx

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the verses will be a 7/8 progressive rhythm.

the chours be a decaying 6/8 to being the song back to the original key for next cycle.

it’s still 4/4 time – just write in 8/8.

still have to explain what I think this means to a musician.

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HELL YES BROTHA!  SPREAD THE WORD!  THE GOSPEL OF THE ELECTRIC CHURCH NEEDS T’BE HOID!!! Y’DIG, SON, Y DIG?.......... this shit ain’t no joke neither.  If righteous indignation is your aim, you hit the mark.  I have a vision too. Also.
(ahem) I can definitely say that yes, Size MATTERS.  KEEP IT FROSTY MARINE!!!

HOO RAH     (p.s. you misspelled pennance, and apparently so have I because the word processor put a red line underneath pennence, and upon further review I see that the word is actually spelled ‘penitence’....what’s chalky up to today? )

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July 20, 2008

by the_venus_in_isis

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Penance, actually.  They both have similar meanings.

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This makes an okay poem but lyrics? You might try adding a chorus and the clarity and imagery could also use some work. Maybe expand more upon “the down below” the who, what, why and how. Otherwise, nice verses.