Poetry / untitled

From, “gold is nothing more than tin”, I take it that the first part of this poem is stating that, “nothing is as good as one might expect.” For the most part your images are effective. One line that I would question is, “we are water in a wave.” To me, water in a wave would seem quite powerful, but I don’t believe that was your intended message. I believe that you were looking for a different way to say, “we are but drops in an ocean”; that we are miniscule, powerless alone. Also, this first part of the poem appears to follow a set rhyme scheme, ie: graves/wave, wind/tin, senses/fences, sorrow/hollow. I like the part describing how the more you seek to achieve greatness, the more sorrow will befall you. ‘Merry go round’ = ‘merry-go-round’, though I would prefer to see ‘carousel’ for its alliteration with ‘crushes’. I would put a double space after ‘crushes all the fences’, and begin a new stanza here. At this point the tone of the poem changes, from the speaker’s view of the world, to the speaker’s view of his/herself. I would change ‘water runs inside’ to ‘water runs through’, since it is dividing the speaker in half. “Only two parts leaving”, would read better as, “only leaving two parts.” It appears that you may have been trying to force a rhyme with ‘being’. In reviewing this, there is a strange line break between, “Through the very center”, and, “only two parts leaving.” Was this meant to be visual; to show us how the speaker’s stream of conscious is splitting him/her in two? It is an interesting technique, but unfortunately this line break does not occur in the ‘center’ of the poem, so it is not as effective as it could be. “For they wish…”; who are they? ”...mistaken the ones for the others”; what is this referring to? These two parts are vague, and require clarification. “The two that are myself”; this appears to be about a split personality, and the stream of conscious being divided is an effective image for conveying this idea. However, the stream is described as flowing neither up, nor down, but it is still pouring. ‘Pour’, to me, seems to imply either ‘flowing forward’, or ‘raining down’; the word ‘stream’ itself also seems to imply water ‘flowing’ in a certain direction. I would consider removing ‘not up nor down’, as it is confusing. ‘Drunken’ means intoxicated. ‘Drank’ is the past participle of ‘drink’. “The one that gives eternal life, and the other”; what is the other? This is vague. I like the line break between ‘wave’ and ‘of madness’. It nicely emphasizes both phrases. Are you describing the darkness as ‘colorful and bright’? This doesn’t make sense, even given that it also may be describing madness. The speaker states that drinking from the water of life keeps them from fading into madness/darkness, but then he/she states that they are ‘falling apart’, which implies that they are having a mental/emotional breakdown. This is contradictory. Good word choice with ‘duplicity’. I would remove a ‘but’ in, “But life is but a dream.” A couple of rhymes that appear forced, ie: may/delay, smoke/joke, especially since the middle of the poem has no end rhymes. With a rhyme scheme, it is best to either carry it throughout the entire poem, or else write in free-verse. Otherwise, the poem appears to have no direction. The last line seems weak, and the poem may be better served by ending it with the previous line. You also need a title. How about simply, “Duplicity?” All in all, I enjoyed reading this poem, and want to thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. :)

things that cause sorrow;
i think problems that cause sorrow seems more interesting and flows evenly

other than that the piece is quite a painting on a canvas
well writtne and draws thte reader in

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November 17, 2008

by chrry81

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thank you for your time and for your comment…
I do like “problems that cause…” but I’m not sure though
it was good suggestion..
later

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This is good The imagery and clarity are both well done. The meter and rhyme is also good. I would be more descriptive regarding the duplicity that you are writing about. This would increase the imagery and clarity.

Hey! What a shadow play of a place, right?! I love the metaphysical core of the piece. I think a form and or more refined structure would aid this piece greatly…after the (first) stanza it felt as if the piece went off into a ramble off of ideas, which can happen easily when talking of much greater things. Wonderful message here, great idea for a piece. I’d suggest tightening up your ideas and developing some kind of consistency the reader can rely on, seeing as though many will be trying hard enough to comprehend where you’re coming from. This hit home for me, I’d like to see it more clearly delivered though.  

Visions are around us, as shadows around graves.
All that appears to be is sand and wind,
The precious gold is nothing more than tin,
All that we are is water in a wave.
Worldly delights are a thing of the senses,
Desires of greatness, things that cause sorrow;
Are nothing but cycles,  circles big and hollow;

This stanza needs work.  What visions are around us? What all that?  What worldly delights? what desires? what things that cause sorrow? You describe other areas clearly but this stanza no.

You describe this perfectly:

A stream of crystal water runs inside my conscious,
It is permanent, endless; it divides my being
Through the very center

I think basically you have what could be a great introspective poem …. a querie into one’s psyche. Do not be afraid to open it up and show all. Because ultimately a reader wants to see themself in your poem.  

Nice job.

great job…use of imagry wonderful

I was drawn deeply to the first line, masterful and visual.
The thought of graves and sand (dirt) is good as well.
Intelligence is balanced in the reflection of “water in a wave”.  We are 70% water…I hear.

Worldly delights are a thing of the senses…so true.

Through the very center
                                        only two parts leaving;

It is unique how you broke this sentence in action of breaking self.  
I find this a deep insight into evaluation of ones self, an action we all go through at certain times, usually midlife and you have expressed it well.
It would be sad to see a young soul which reaches into the “age” of wisdom but a middle aged person has earned this right of passage through trial and error.

Thank you for the opportunity, it was a great write and intelligent enough to envoke the reader to explore the meanings of your words, and the wisdom you offer.  You can only make of life what you understand it to be is the moral of your story here.
  

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July 31, 2008

by chrry81

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thanx for your comment, i’m glad you enjoyed it…
i enjoyed writing it…

July 31, 2008

by sadpoet

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Your welcome, looking forward to more!

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I liked it!

Check the use of semi-colons

Droping ‘BIG’ from ‘Big joke’ may cap off a piece with pretty good flow. The sudden lapse of rhyming in the middle only to resume at the close may be awkward to some.

Just some thoughts.

I liked it!

This is a really deep piece althought i feel as the lamen would not understand it is a very strong poem.  At many times in life we feel as though it is so insignifigant, when in reality it is all that we are.  Good luck and A hope to see mor of your work.