:) good idea
Poetry / A budding poetess.
she sits elsewhere
submit-saves these poems
almost a poem a minute
-“a stranger to my eyes?”-
appears
as if by a spell
i read
to write reviews
good and bad
earn a few urbis credits
unlock my reviews
but become spellbound
“nothing to change”
i’m forced to type
nothing to say
they are just
once too often
word perfect
reworked many times?
great?
mediocre?
i really don’t know
i’m just a poet
though once i was more
and what the hell is this?
you’re only nineteen.
f
from someplace i don’t think i know,
(never heard of it before?)
well, i’m not a geography teacher
you’re in the u.s.?
fo sho..
as expected
you wear glasses
look like a pretty geek
and though after a while i get almost tired
of the ease
with which you write
i can’t but help admiring the flow, your lines
bleed with the pain your images endorse
end up slightly helpless,
a tad envious?
happy to, too,
laugh with your hate
and weep with your love
wishing, you do not end up dry
many years down,
on this harsh road
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Willow_Wren reviewed Version 8 -
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This is coming along nicely but I still have a problem with the beginning as it’s too esoteric and only Urbis users might get it. The real poem begins with “I read to write reviews” where perhaps after that the first part could be interwoven somehow. Such as “become spell bound by she who sits elsewhere, posting a poem a minute is seems..” Something like that. ‘fo sho’ dialect seems out of place in this poem. Also “happy to, too, laugh with your hate” is too close to tutu, a ballet skirt and is awkward English. Don’t really need the “too.” But the admiration and even envy of the talent of this revered one comes through loud and strong. No comma after wishing in the last stanza. A period to end the poem would be nice. Good work!
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hippopotimoose_moo reviewed Version 8 -
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This peom has sort of a melancholy feel to it. Being envious is part of being a writer, we try to ignore it most of the tyme tho. To some it comes easy, to others, not so much. I hope it becomes easier for you dear.
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 8 -
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I liked the second half of this starting with “as expected…”. The first half left me feeling a little lost. Perhaps I missed the intent of your words, in which case I apologize. The second half is really quite good, and could almost stand on its own. :)
ScorpionHunter reviewed Version 8 -
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Stanza 7 is unclear in its intent and just doesn’t seem to click right. Stanza 9 is still awkward—maybe it’s just me tho . . . .
Katja reviewed Version 8 -
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A little confusing, but effective structure and excellent use of abstract language.
TheFionnmeister reviewed Version 8 -
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Sums up writer’s feelings excllently, and leaves a lot open for interpretation (almost too much). I think it could be more clear as to the message you are getting across (this would help non-writers), but if you are aiming this at writers specifically then I think it works perfectly.
Great work, maybe a bit more visible structure would help, though?
Fionn
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 7 -
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Not bad at all, a sequence of thoughtful images that tell a story that should be pretty accessible to anyone using this site—particularly fans of the Libby referenced. The allusions to other works and comments as well as the personal disclosures on the part of the narrator are very effective. The tone, complex, cynical, admiring, sad, disillusioned and to some degree hopeful is even and effective. I wonder if the two lines “and you’re in the us of f** a probably/for sure” include “us” as a typo? This spot is puzzling and detracts from your flow I think. I like the poem.
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 7 -
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there is something quite nice about this poem, i see where you’re trying to go with this, but the change is point of view of speaking in the first person then switching to the second though still talking about yourself makes it a bit difficult to follow. I think it would be better if you chose one POV and stuck with it throughout. I also have a problem with the opening line, elsewhere? where was she to begin with? elsewhere is so vague, it doesn’t ground the narrator in place or time, or describe anything. You’re actually saying she sits somewhere else. It really makes little sense to me. submit-saves too should come after writing the poems…you need a lead in to this i think. but on the whole it has some very good elements, though there a few loose lines and words. I like the stanzas the ground the poem like S4,8,9. Keep at it, would love to read a rewrite of this.
TiffVicious reviewed Version 7 -
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wow that was the first time i have ever put someone put the experience of urbis into one complete poetic thought. It was RADICAL. This is really strangely passionate… I love it! I give it a Bo Derek 10!
believer22 reviewed Version 5 -
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Threw me … but I appreciate the willingness to say whatever you feel.
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Version 8
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