Poetry / Destiny (Analysis)
DESTINY
My destiny is uncharted.
I am followed by the memories of you.
Haunted by the image of love’s smile and shamed by lusts portrayal of me.
Your mere touch inspires my vision of the moon as it past me.
I strain at best yet fall short of laying sight of you.
Where does love go when the curtain is drawn and passions caress leaves GOD’s ordain place of rest?
Raise the flame that brings the sun and the moon as one.
Is the cosmos by design of its own interpretation?
Did passion blindly run amuck in the heavens above?
What point could one man lose sight of the FATHER’s impression?
It’s simple to see that it lies safely within the eyes of the one I love.
Mere miracles etched in stones and sung in tales long forgotten could never in body the truth.
Destiny lowers her head with reverence to heavens thrown.
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This can be either prose poetry or flash fiction, however, in the former, the key is rhythm and imagery, and in the latter, the focus is on story. You need to choose which way to go. The way it currently reads it falls more to the poetry side since the key element is the narrative voice, telling and asking rhetorical questions. It comes across as a confessional narrative poem. With that said, it might work to think about rhythm and flow, as well as imagery, and work this toward a poem. How does it flow when reading it aloud?
Let’s look at the first two lines where you’ve broken them into a semi-stanza. One thing that you want to consider is in engaging a “stranger” the key is a strong narrative voice, and then to set out who, what, where, and when. How and why is the rest of the piece. So, who (you and other) is set out clearly and what (love lost/longing) is there, but the where and when is vague. This should lead to some ideas about what sort of imagery is needed here.
Be careful of cliches. In general avoid them unless you do something “novel” or “unique” with them. I’m talking about things like “my destiny”, “memories”, “haunted”, “love”, and “lust”. For example, with “My destiny is uncharted” (clearly cliche) something to expand that thought or idea – “freedom my compass, free will my shackles and chains”. The idea is to smooth down the jarring cliche by adding something fresh to it.
The next part breaks away from the stanza form and into a prose paragraph. The imagery is vague. Try to be concrete with your imagery to help ground the poem for the reader. Rhetoricals tend to be abstract, and abstractions distance the reader from the narrative. Get into physicalities. How did her touch feel? How did ego’s eyes strain? Where is God’s ordained place? Describe Heaven (or ego’s vision of it).
copy-edit:
“past” = passed -> past = noun or preposition = a time gone by; and passed = verb = act of passing
“its” = it’s = it is, not the possessive
“in body” = embody
“throwns” = throes
“heaven” = “Heaven” -> specific noun, name
Good luck with it.
- add/view comments (2)
Wow….great imagery…great rhythym…great tone…I love the word pictures you have captured in this piece…and the idea that,
‘Mere miracles etched in stones and sung in tales long forgotten could never in body the truth set above in the throwns of heaven.’
You are doing a great job….I am looking forward to hearing more.
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