thank you, sandi—again, i’m sorry about the harsh review!
feel free to criticize anything about the poem if you’d like.
Poetry / Flying Lessons
She stands before the mirror again,
her threaded seashell spine
twisted in dispassionate
disgust as she travels the familiar valleys,
the topography of self-hatred,
her arms outstretched
like a patient crucified on a hospital bed.
She wants to escape the ribcage
that encircles her heart
like a chastity belt to hunger—
she wants to flutter like the feathers
she finds on the beach
and only the mirror can teach her
how to fly.
Want nothing, it says,
until the wind rushes through
the gaps between your ribs
and your bones are hollow
rafters where winged things perch.
Want nothing
until your shoulder blades jut out
from your frail back
like birds’ wings, or the cupped
hands of a sidewalk beggar.
Want nothing
until your skin is as thin as the paper
kite you flew as a child,
and your body forms the wire framework:
mottled yellow bruising the blameless sky.
Want nothing
until your nails are hard and brittle as talons
and each breath threatens collapse
from vague traces of triumph
over unseen adversaries,
until claws scrape
hardened bedrock,
unable to find a foothold
and gnawing jaws crack open,
crack like a porcelain urn, its ashes
a ragged breath condensed—
she gasps
like the sound of an uncorked river
sinking into cool soil
where her fingers interlace:
withering roots,
a half-built nest.
Want nothing
until you feel nothing
and your blood runs like water
and your hunger dissipates into apathy,
until your body crumples
weightlessly,
and the wind carries you
above the weight of a weak conscience,
over the unblemished landscape
between your past
and what remains,
freed from the cage
of a skeletal frame.
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GreenIguana reviewed Version 2 -
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I think this is really good but I don’t really see it as Spoken Word; more as a regular poem. It doesn’t quite have the rhythym of Spoken Word.
I think “dispassionate disgust” might be a contradiction. Disgust is a strong emotion. Otherwise, I think your word choice is good and your images are strong and powerful.
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Danielle83 reviewed Version 2 -
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I love the lyricism of slams. I attend an open mic of them weekly and could hear your performance very clearly, nicely done.
Sharp, dark images leave the audience tense throughout, strong tone.
Sweettouch reviewed Version 2 -
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Only when reading a poem aloud can one get a true feel for the author’s words.
It is the way I write my poems as well.
When reading this I kept tripping over the beginning lines: I have rewritten them the way I feel they should be read.
It is important that in works you mean to be read aloud, that line length and divisions be exactly as you would read it. If I am wrong in how you would read it then I apologise for my corrections. I just found the way you had it set up to be awkward.
She stands before the mirror again,
her threaded seashell spine twisted in dispassionate disgust
she travels the familiar valleys,
this topography of self-hatred,
arms outstretched
like a patient crucified on a hospital bed.
She wants to escape the ribcage that encircles her heart
a chastity belt to hunger—
she wants to flutter
like the feathers
she finds on the beach
and only the mirror can teach her
how to fly.
I found the rest spoke quite well.
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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Oh my gosh. This poem is more sophisticated an intricate than most. I am truly jealous. You are very young to have such depth. Did i say i am impressed. Your words are beautiful and poetic. Your descriptions telling. I believe that you are talking about a sick person wanting to be well again and maybe young. Perhaps this person wants to escape his or her sickness. You are truly amazing. Thanks so much for writing this. You give me hope that their are some good future writers out there. Sandi.
Marian reviewed Version 2 -
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It is very well done and goes together like a song but it is a little depressing. I don’t mean anything negative by that though so don’t take that in the wrong way. I usually write more but I have nothing much really to say. Good job!
jebozid reviewed Version 2 -
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...travels the familiar valleys – maybe “veins” instead valleys?
Syntax seems a bit off in …like a chastity belt to hunger—… – maybe try something like “like hunger is by a chastity belt” (if you meant it to be encircled alike)
If by “it” in “Want nothing, it says,” you meant the miror, it would be more clear if you actually ended the first stanza with ‘mirror’, not ‘fly’.
“sidewalk beggar” sticks out, seems totally out of place here.
“above the weight of a weak conscience,” – too abstract, especially for a poetry slam IMO, you’re mixing space, mass and emotions here, it just seems too much, maybe just cut “weight”
Overall, an extremely enjoyable piece, original, with especially effective ending. Kudos.
wulfenstraat reviewed Version 1 -
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OK, you’ve convinced me. You have talent, not only to put words together in a meaningful and concise pattern, but to dig deep and pull out something only a poet can feel and relate. OK, you’ve convinced me.
gavinscotts reviewed Version 1 -
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for a poem to the ana community, i really enjoy it. i was pretty active within an ana community for awhile and once i sorta… snapped out of it(?)... i saw it for all that… just… this need to be better than something that wasn’t real. but i love your descriptions and imagery. with a little editting this could most definitely be one of the more publishable pieces i’ve read on here.
Gote reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the vibe in the first stanza. I had the image of a skeleton, but on who can feel the wind going through his empty rib cage and feel the birds perching on him. The second is a bit more confusing. Maybe it’s because I’m a simpleton, but I get confused with words like “plaintively”. I understand you’re a young writer. When I was your age I used to find cool words in a thesaurus for poems. Sometimes (not all the time, but sometimes) it’s better to use easier words to relate your ideas. I’m a pretty smart guy and I’m not too terribly sure what “plaintively” means. Savy?
Great imagery in the 3rd stanza. I imagine a very skinny person getting dragged off by the breeze like a kite. The colors are great as well. The poem ends very nicely. The ‘want nothing’ lines are beautifully rounded out with the “Want nothing
until you feel nothing” bit. That was the best part for me. Overall it’s a very nice piece. The feelings are very real. Very believable.
axiom49 reviewed Version 1 -
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This work shows promise and paints a clear picture of emptiness and hollowness. The chief concern is having a parallel structure to the poem, it’s lopsided in so that each stanza doesn’t carry the same weight as the prior one. To that end, this can be resolved through revision. I’d also advise to limit word choice such as “plaintively” as it actually takes away from the feeling of the poem in my opinion. The best way to correct this would be to sketch out how many syllables each line has and try to keep it similar (it doesn’t have to be indentical by any means). Also you may want to simply read the poem out loud to yourself, or better yet, record yourself saying it out loud. This would help you to determine if any element is out of step or dragging from the rest of the piece. I wish you all the best and I think this is a great start.
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