Thanks for the review.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Deaths
Killing a person is like ending a long over due relationship. If you over think it to much you end up not doing it at all. You just go back to the way you were always looking back to that day thinking about how things would have turned out if you just had done it. Always regretting not doing it but, some how relived that you deiced not to.
Relationships can always be repaired to a state that you are comfortable with but ending the existence of some one can never be repaired. It will always be destroyed and that thought alone can haunt even the most seasoned bloodthirsty killer. Then you end up coming down from the high of the kill and realizing your life is over just as theirs is. Your life is over because you can’t go back and that need to feel that high makes drug addiction look like winning the lotto. You’re dead their dead and all hope of normalcy is dead.
Too bad, I never had this feeling. No, I don’t feel like most people after a kill at least not anymore. I feel content not exhilarated. Calm to the point it worries me not buzzed with the excitement of what I just did. I feel like you do after a normal day of work, ok maybe a little bit bored but I don’t ever feel like a killer should.
Only once have I ever been scared to kill any body. Only once. I remember the moment as if it was yesterday. Its vivid realism of what I was doing still coursing through my veins.
“Sonny,” the man said to me, “kill me now or get the fuck out of my way.”
Need less to say I looked the man dead in the eyes about to pull the trigger from fury because of what he said when he began to laugh. I told him several times to shut the fuck up or I was going beat him until he was begging me to blow his brains out. He just continued to laugh.
“If you had the nerves to kill me you would have done it already sonny. I definitely know you don’t have the balls to beat me,” said the man between laughs.
He was right how was I going to shoot him in the skull if I knew I couldn’t even bruise him up a little bit. I am pathetic. I can’t believe I can’t kill an already dieing old man who can barely even walk. I put the gun back in its holster dropped my head and turned around.
“Awww come on sonny don’t be that way. I was like you once a young naive assassin making his first kills. Come on. Maybe we can talk,” said the old man with sympathy.
I looked at him and felt angry but, turned around and walked towards him. God I’m pathetic.
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paigemc reviewed Version 1 -
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Kimbers reviewed Version 1 -
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There is deifinitely a huge depth of emotion that this character is learning to come to terms with. The piece reflects the adage that taking a life is easy, preserving a life is harder.
In the case of your character it’s not physically hard for him to allow his target to live but emotionally hard. He seems to have a hard time dealing with the fact that this is what he is suppose to do, and clearly struggles with the decision, until he finally walks away. That’s when you really feel the strain this character is facing. He feels like he’s lost his strength by letting the guy live. He is clearly judging himself based on the example of others.
This would certainly be worth developing further, since many stories about assassins begin with their comfort with killing already established. Rarely do we see the beginner, learning to come to terms with what they are becoming. The struggle they make not only with their decisions, but also with the aftermath of their emotions.
A few critique points I will mention:
Grammer: Watch this carefully. People will notice.
For example:
Break up the sentences slightly. People need to take a breathe when reading, even if they’re not reading allowed.
“Relationships can always be repaired to a state that you are comfortable with but ending the existence of some one can never be repaired.”
Here’s how I would read it:
“Relationships can always be repaired to a state that you are comfortable with, but ending the existence of someone can never be repaired.”
There are a few sentences that seem to need to be broken up like this. It allows the thought to flow from one point to the next without overlapping them.
Your word construction is slightly off in some places:
some how – somehow
some body – somebody
dieing – dying
I hope I don’t sound like an english teacher, but I do hope these points help. Can’t wait to read more.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I felt sorry for him at the end…reading the very last line I just wanted to say cheer up guy. When it started out and I was thinking where’s this going to go. You did really great job with the opening and without the ending it was still going to be a good piece. Also I saw in your notes that you wanted continue it if you do I’ll look forward to see what you do with it. But I still think it’s fine this way only if you add more explanation of whole the old guy is.
Enigma28 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think your story has great depth, you should definitely continue with this one.
Just a few critiques:
‘Only once have I ever been scared to kill any body’ anybody is one word.
‘about to pull the trigger from fury because of what he said when he began to laugh. I told him several times to shut the fuck up or I was going beat him until he was begging me to blow his brains out. He just continued to laugh.’
I think instead of telling the reader what he was feeling you should use quotes like you have in the rest of the story. It would keep your work more consistant and give the reader a better insight.
Thanks for sharing
Jodie
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