coherence is kind of abhorred sometimes :-)
Poetry / EYES, WINDOWS, ANTS
Look, in here, a room without windows!
Come in, look around, my revolving head,
There! a path amidst throbbing red cinders,
a red-black line to a moist brown bed.
Windows are lit by expatriate starlight,
To dissolve in sunshine, bright to cold.
Here, ghost visions gray into black granite
tales, unwritten, lost, unpeel tales untold.
Curled up sounds lie in a dim corner,asleep
Watchdogs of shades, blank footsteps allure.
In a dimmer corner, gray twilit spiders creep
along silver lines that hollow flies cure.
Sing, behind windows black-boarded,shuttered,
sightless sparrows, unfeathered, unfettered,
Stroll, on the floor,ants without antennae,
imbecile motions of blank moments in array.
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peter_sitkowski reviewed Version 1 -
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heidipatton reviewed Version 1 -
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NachtXEngel reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this one. It creates a picture for the reader and is a really nice read.
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Eligerath reviewed Version 1 -
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Hehe, I like this sort of poem, the kind that grabs you with the first few lines and dosn’t let you go till the last paragraph. Brilliant imagery, not sure if it is all a coherent stream but I found myself picturing the transistions in my head.
lilceresita23 reviewed Version 1 -
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truthhurts reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel it was good. It seems that it could very well be in a child’s book. Was that what you were going for?
Also, there were a few breaks. Was it essential for the structure and flow of the poem or were you going for a different effect?
All in all it was good. Keep up the good work.
yewie reviewed Version 1 -
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this is an empty dream, or rather containing things which remind one of the idea of “emptiness”...the poem all in all i feel is fine, and besides what the author may or may not want to change, i feel that this can go on in its present state as a poem…also, i enjoyed the alliteration present in the piece, which serves to draw it together in steadily engaging “flow”...
ScorpionHunter reviewed Version 1 -
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Not much to critique—well written, clear, and interesting. I wouldn’t change anything, except for the image of “unfeathered” sparrows—that’s just weird . . . really.
crystinawritersblog reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a great poem but it’s it kind of went from one topic to another. It goes to windows to ants to windows to spiders to ants. It got really confusing. I think you could split the ideas into to poems because I loved how you described the windows and I loved how you described the ants. But don’t only take my opinion because this might be what you wanted for the poem. I really liked though and I think you should keep writing.
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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As I was reading this I was thinking, “Wow. Nice rhyme scheme, great rhythm…A, B, A, B…”, and then it fell apart in the last stanza…A, A, B, B. What happened!? If you could fix this minor snafu it would make a world of difference. It should be easy, as the rhymes are already there, just out of order. I thought that the images you chose to use were quite vibrant and bold. One of the more descriptive, better painted scenes that I’ve come across on Urbis. One other minor thing: the punctuation seems a bit off, in particular the overuse of commas. It tends to disrupt the flow of the piece. I have been guilty of this myself at times, so I understand how easy it is to do. Overall this is a very well thought out and executed poem. Nice work. :)
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