rotten.com sucks but really sparks the fuel of imagination…otherwise, an external implosion!
Please go back to the review by YONI (after yours) where I explained the truth of lose or win.
Thanks my friend!
Poetry / Lose or Win
Lose or Win
Hey you on the other side
I’ve cried a pint from the middle of my eye
Dancing in darkness, tears stream their faces
Though they’ve never been a part of social graces
Jumping just once, they believed they could fly
Bursting open on concrete, wet then dry
How horrible you say it must have been
But some things have to be tested
Lose or win
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Yoni reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the imagery but am not sure what the subject is about. I like the rhyming as well. Crying as pint is a great line as well.
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Static reviewed Version 1 -
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Three words: “short but sweet”
This piece is one of the better pieces I’ve read recently! It takes a skilled approach to a unique subject-matter, well done! These days, originality (especially inspired originality) is hard to come by.
I love the way you use defamiliarisation in the lines “Jumping just once, they believed they could fly/Bursting open on concrete, wet then dry”. You make such a grotesque topic seem beautiful. You also present a unique, modern translation of the story of icarus.
The only suggestion I could make is that you might want to use a comma in the first line after “you”
Finally, its refreshing to see another writer (especially a poet with tallent) who is down-to-earth enough to be amused by something like www.rotten.com
Keep up the good work!
meltonbooks reviewed Version 1 -
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very neat. i guess you can get inspiration from anywhere. i guess i just didnt know rotten.com was one of those places.
starla77 reviewed Version 1 -
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I find your poem quite hermetic, the sense of obscurity pervades it all.
For this reason, when I first read it, I couldn’t really understand, especially because the pronouns “you” and then “they” got me confused, (I think maybe you can correct them), but after a while I got the meaning and started to like the way you chose to build the poem, which is very effective I think. I love the image of tears, that acquire a symbolic importance and the final message you give that life must be lived to know if you fail or win.
Poems like this one are a challenge for me and in the end I come to love them more than any other!
As for the rhyme scheme, I still think it was a good thing to change it in the last 3 lines, it’s striking and not useless at all. I only find that the last verse is too short and somehow it breaks a balance; in this way the final rhyme gets lost and you can hear it less than the others and not just because you chose an alternate scheme I think, but because of the shortness of the verse which makes you wait for something else.
But i really think it’s a very good poem and hope to read more from you!
wanderingeagle reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem is obscure, and it works well because it is fragmented. The poem quickly moves from personal to impersonal, and although this ties in well with the element of fragmentation, the personal pronouns creates a sense of meaningless through the shifts in the poem. maybe the poem could be built up to more of a climax? then these shifts may work well.
I particually like the line ‘but some things have to be tested, lose or win’, you acknowledge the dichotomies which stand in contrast to the haziness of the the rest of the poem.
Eightee reviewed Version 1 -
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Lose or Win
Hey you on the other side
I’ve cried a pint from the middle of my eye
Dancing in darkness, tears stream their faces
Though they’ve never been a part of social graces
Jumping just once, they believed they could fly
Bursting open on concrete, wet then dry
How horrible you say it must have been
But some things have to be tested
Lose or win
i like your approach and what your mind thinks what’s poetic. The analogy of the tear is poetic and yes cool too. and i took that and did this:
Lose or Win
Hey you on the other side
from the middle of my eye,
tear by tear, I’ve filled a pint.
Tears believe they can fly,
but rather, burst open on the glass
and wet then dry:
How horrible! one must say it’s been,
But some things have to be tried.
_____
so you might hate me for doing this but during the creation of a poem you have to concentrate on this:
words are your way to create what you do. Pay attention to how and where do they lead the mind’s perceptive motors. For example when you had that you filled a pint, it’s better to stick with that image and not go far by saying they fall on concrete.
you had “dancing in darkness” and a lot more sentences and phrases i took out. Know that you want to leave things to the imagination, be mysterious and all. So you can’t ramble a line just because you like it. Know that the poem is not your body, it’s just an independent part of it. So detach yourself from your enthusiasm. be a good critic always asking yourself this questions instead:
What’s the image?
Does this line help the progression of the mystery?
Can i say this in a different way?
Do i need this?
Where is this new line taking me?
btw, i didn’t mean to make the thing rhyme it just happened but know that you should always have some kind of music and know that you have to get from one place to the other, you’re taking someone away for a ride so make it a nice flow.
Each word contains tons of meanings.
keep at it, ‘cos you’re almost there. You already have the most important thing down: an aesthetic eye (you know what’s poetic and beautiful or better yet, moving), know you’ve got to control your mind to gear up the way of relating the seen from your “unseen” to the seeing.
unseen is your perception motors in your brain.
the seeing is the perception motors in the readers brain.
so pretty much you take one thing like chemicals and you make a drug and the reader takes it and you take them into an outer body type of experience.
it’s not easy to get but i’‘ll be here if any questions.
isai
nubadunk reviewed Version 1 -
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For some reason as I was reading this I remembered the time a bird flew into my fourth grade window and splattered! Good job!
Undone reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this piece. I can understand the meaning and where you are coming fom. Others might get a little confused it is definitely a piece that needs to be reread to grasp the full meaning. The first and last 2 lines should be reworked or reworded rather to be as powerful as the rest of the poem. That is just my opinion other than that I think it is great. I look forward to reading more of your work
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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Rotten.com. What a great site. This is alright, but it kind of seems to slip from 1st person to 3rd after line two, which is a bit distracting. You should try rewriting the same thing using more descriptive language and imagery and see how it turns out. I would lose the rhyme as well, as I feel this particular subject matter would be more powerful in free-form. The following line: “I’ve cried…middle of my eye”, doesn’t make much sense, as tears don’t come from the middle of the eye. This needs some work, but I feel it would be worth the effort. :)
sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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Good. Well written, except for the second line, sounds a bit foolish compared to the rest of the poem. I can tell you have talent, would like to read some of your other work. :)
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