Short Story / Cyprus (Analysis)
So I reach my hand inside my core and pull it out. Its soft pulse, I feel, is comforting… I guess I’ve known it longer. Its charming I think… You don’t think so. To you it is obnoxious and weak. I ignore this unkind observation and force it on you and before you walk away I shout “look!” and you haphazardly do. It starts to spout. The pale root clashing with the vibrant but slowly fading red, to you, seems grotesque, but to me it is so profound I can’t overcome their entanglement, and slowly they weave in and around my thighs and calves and delve deep into the ground rooting me with them. You laugh at my stupidity, and for the first time I am embarrassed. However, I am relieved because you don’t leave instead you stay to be the only witness to what will inevitably leave me broken. The arteries and veins begin to transform and reach for the sun like tentacles and slowly they conquer my arms and my neck. My spine shatters and I yelp, you are horrified at the display but you don’t understand. The tentacles continue on their rampage and twist my head in their haste. Finally, they branch and their flesh hardens to bark. On the ends leave spawn in pairs. In macabre fascination you linger, my smashed form in the middle of the behemoth now of little consequence. From in between each pair of leaves buds spring and from flowers burst to life. So delicate that the ensuing breeze stripped the blue petals and engulfed you in them. As they cleared you stand amazed. There I was starring at you with a grim unmoving smile. My eyes never left the eyes of my intended. My testament that I loved you was perfect and complete. My body soul left broken and beautiful for you. You don’t understand completely but my prayer was that someday you would. But you did understand the irony. Here it wasn’t my heart that was broken but everything else.
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You drew me in amazed and confused me. This story has potential but it needs some filling out. Did you know this would happen. was the other person just anyone or someone you wanted to love you. You left me full of questions and no answers. I hope you do a rewrite because I’m interested in where it might go. Needs works but I think you have in in you. Just let it out>> Good Luck!!!
You’re really great with the visual. When doing something original it’s hard to put visual to it, but you did a great job at. The part the stood out the most was the spine snapping part…I could imagine the scene and the yelp following the sound of the cracking spine.
i find the story unigue and beautiful. the way you describe everything around being destroyed or you being taken over by your heart (soul) is stong however your detailed description is strong. I also wonder who are you telling to look it seems as if you’re talking to someone who may have had some control over your decisions because you say that they have some power over you. my only complaint is that it’s almost like a poem not really a short story. my favorite line is the end and it simply describes the meaning of change and growth. sometimes what was known of you and what you know of yourself is broken but what matters continues.
so loved it!!!
Interesting blend of horror and romance. Nice and compact.
My biggest problem is that you change verb tenses indiscriminately. Choose present or past and stick to it throughout.
Re: the tag lines—”You don’t understand completely…it wasn’t my heart that was broken but everything else.” I would lose “completely”; the adverb adds nothing to the sentence. Just say you didn’t understand anything but the irony. The last sentence sounds a bit heavy-handed, like, “In case you didn’t get it, here’s what I mean by irony.” Let readers figure it out for themeleves. Some may not get it, but spoon-feeding the information dilutes an otherwise poetic piece.
Thanks for the read.
Beautiful! Perhaps you could focus on a series of this one! After reading this transformingly emotional piece I wonder, what is the story before this event? What did he do to make her morph into the Cypress tree? And will she find a way to change back? This would make an excellent short story chapter book.
Love it! It flows very smoothly both visually and metaphorically from beginning to end. Nice work! :)
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