Poetry / terra firma bona fide (Analysis)

Howya,
Yeah I liked it. A couple of personal gripes:
1)Your title is a bit faux-intellectual (Aut tace, aut loqviare melioria silentio)
2)No punctuation or caps, I guess that’s the 21st century for you, doesn’t mean I have to like it.
3)Rhyme on the first two lines is unfortunate.
4)”A horizontal adjective” is a bit contrived.
5)”prospective”, yeah? makes me do a double take – clunky!

Anyhow I’m being petty because I like the poem. It’s honest and vivid. Light but with the possibility of alluding to great sorrow.

Good work

Bosco

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August 11, 2008

by greggelz

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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I frown when you say the rhyme is “unfortunate” ... I feel constrained by exact rhymes and like to play with near rhymes …

I find punctuation burdensome … it’s like icing … if the cake is good enough, why risk it?

I agree with you on prospective, but I like the horizontal adjective … it don’t agree on contrived-ness, or maybe I don’t acknowledge that concept.

Anyways, thanks for the feedback. Kudos to the reader!

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i think this poem is very interesting and twisted at the same time. the only thing  is i don’t really understand what ur talking ABOUT
D31<3

I wasn’t sure about it at first, but after I read it a few times I liked it more and more. I would have liked to have known more about who or what you were talking to.

hi there,

well i read it and though it’s very creative and orginal, i think it lacks clarity, which of course is very important, of exactly what your saying,an airport made of leaves, when you landed you scraped your knees? your time on earth was prospective?..now does that really fit? ok, i yapped enough..:), jim

    p.s. tip: being creative and orginal is obviously important, but simplcity also has to be part of that equation..you want to  have people understand you and smile…)
not scratch their heads in wonder….later

This sounds like a eulogy.  It is touching and elusive.  All lower-case and no puncuation makes it seems vulnerable and sad.  You didn’t leave any room for changes because it is so personal. How do you suggest an edit for art?

I have a pronlem with this word (prospective) ok. It doesn’t seem to fit well. How about introspective?
“just hoped it so” Hoped what so? What is it?
Ok, heres what i think: The very heart of the poem centers on one sentence. His time on earth was?? This is the meat! You have to give the reader a word that truly expresses what his life on earth was. I don’t think prospective is that word. The poem is poignant, touching but it needs that word, ok. Here are some possible words that might fit: Short, fufilling, worthwile, etc. Besides this i liked it. I think it is definitely worth putting some work into. Thanks Sandi

Nice work, good use of repetition and the images are good as well.  The meter is a bit strained in places and there is an unfortunate slant rhyme in both the first two lines of verse one and two with close sounds of “leaves/knees” and “dirt/work”.  In both cases, it caused me to stop and re-read the passage and drew attention to the meter which is a couple of beats off here.  I really like the poem and think you’ve done a good job.  

making the first two lines rhyme creates an expectation of rhyming for the rest of the poem. why not move that line to the end of the stanza?

the repetition of “i never said you had to come back down” on the last line I think in unneeded.

who is this to? it’s abstract and vague. This would work great if you gave it to whoever you’re writing about, but for the rest of us, we think “what is this even about?”

I did like the image of ‘an airport made of leaves’, and the next line too. You’ve got two solid images there cemented in my mind. And the ‘landing strip of dirt,’that’s three solid images. if i could just tie them to the idea of the poem this would work well. but I can’t grasp the idea.

I liked this a lot although i had no real idea about what this was about (an unborn/short-lived child??)

an airport made of leaves – a horizontal adjective – lovely
not sure about the rhyme of ‘knees’
not sure about the word ‘prospective’ in that context jars a bit with the rest of the poem’s easy language, but if it gets the right meaning
the last stanza would bear some development or even removing

but i start where i began.  i genuinely liked this