Short Story / The City
Chapter one
Run faster! Screamed every limb in Alex’s body. She could hear the sirens sounding in back of her and the yelling of men informing each other of her escape.
Escape. The word lingered in her brain as she raced across the meadow. Everything I was told was no more than a lie. Out of here she would lead a completely different life. I need to make it. I just need to. Imagine the horrible things they will do to you once they catch you. As she thought about this she made her legs pump faster. Escape…Escape…Escape….. The words echoed in her ears as she pounded her way across the meadow.
Next to her she could see Jeff heaving for breath and slowing down. “No! What are you doing? Hurry up! They’ll catch us!” She yelled back to him. He took a gulp of air and desperately struggled to keep up with her.
“Get back here!” she heard people behind her yelling. She kept on running. She wasn’t going to stop now. It’s like a game of tag she tried to convince herself. Just don’t get caught and you’ll win the game.
Alex let her mind wander back to what it was like if she was still in the city. No doubt every one of the children were being evacuated and being told: “Don’t worry, it’s just a drill.”
Worst of all Alex had always believed what they had said. All the things people had told her. All lies.
She ran down the slope to the Red Bird’s Creek. Around the creek was a huge, canopy forest which no one dared to enter. The forest was said to be so vast and dark that you could easily lose your bearings and then the creatures hiding in the dark would devour you. These tales were never heard directly from a teacher, but students passed on the tales until everyone was aware of the evil forest.
Stupid me. Alex thought to herself quietly. Even some of the soldiers and teachers were frightened to go into the forest. If I had went into the forest first I would have lost them for good. If only I thought through my plan longer. If only I realized their fears earlier. If only, if only, if only. Why did those words keep coming back to haunt her? Shouldn’t she have thought through the plan more carefully?
Alex had not thought through her plan well enough to evade all the soldier’s traps. They knew every inch of every part of the area except the forest. Now the men will find me. Alex thought to herself. Tears popped into her eyes but she held them back like she had done many times before. If I could just make it to the forest…
Humidity and sweat made her clothes stick to her body like wet rags. The sun boiled down mercilessly on her as she struggled not to fall with her aching legs. Next to her Jeff was in a frenzy to keep up with her and get hold of his breath.
Sweet air enclosed her lungs, soothingly tempting her to give up. Making her want to stop. But this was a good sign she was getting closer to the creek. The sweet air was caused by the bukni plants that grew in the brush of the forest. Randa had warned Alex about them a while ago. She said that the plant makes people walking by weary of what is going on around them and makes you want to sleep. She had said they were planted there long ago to keep travelers from going into the forest. The only way for them not to affect you is if you are afraid. Randa said the plants smell your fear and how desperate you are to be hidden by the canopy so it lets you pass. And Alex was scared. So why was she getting so dizzy? Could it be she was accompanied by unafraid, evil soldiers behind her? That could be it. But wouldn’t that also mean that they would also be getting dizzy and tired? Nevertheless, the plants would still smell her fear and clear an opening for her and Jeff when they were pleading at the forests gates. Right?
Finally Alex and Jeff slid to a halt at the creek and peered around them. The soldiers were desperately trying to hold their guns up as they ran down the valley into the gorge were the creek lay.
Alex whirled around and ran up to the forest with a pleading look in her eyes. Could the plants really sense how scared she was? Was Randa just another liar like all the others?
Alex swayed with dizziness. If she stepped into the forest without the plants allowing her to she would die, or at least that is what Ronda said.
The plants did not move in the least. Alex could hear the rumbling of the soldier’s footsteps pounding behind them. As a quick decision she jumped into the brush with her eyes shut tightly. Nothing happened. No trembling, no sense of pain. Ronda had lied. The plants were simply sweet-smelling plants that made you dizzy. Just another thing Alex was told. Just another lie.
Alex caught her breath and supported her body with her forearms. “Come on,” she rasped to Jeff, clutching her aching side. Alex looked up. Panic filled up the boy’s eyes as he stared at the forest and the quickly approaching soldiers.
“Come on,” Alex repeated speaking more sternly now. “We have to go!” Jeff looked like a deer, caught in the headlights. His knees were buckling and his breath was becoming short, shallow breaths. “I can’t!” he cried desperately trying to think of a way out. “You heard the roomers! The plants won’t let me in! They can’t sense my fear!” His eyes glistened and tears seeped from the corner of his eye and down his cheek. “Its fine!” Alex encouraged him eyeing the soldiers approaching at an alarmingly fast rate. “It was a lie! Like everything else! Nothing will happen to you! They are just regular plants!”
Jeff looked at her, unsure. Alex grabbed his hand before he knew what was happening and heaved him in. He let out a small cry when he hit the ground but scrambled into the brush with Alex, unseen. Jeff looked at his arms up and down as if he couldn’t believe he was all still there. “Get down!” Alex took him by the arm and heaved him on his stomach, his chin bouncing on the ground.
Jeff could still smell the plants, even with his face buried into the earth and the taste of mud on his tongue. He looked to his side and saw Alex. She was on her knees peering over to the creek and watching the soldiers flood in to the area. “They came this way.” Lieutenant Rodge said balling up his fists.
Alex always hated Rodge. He was as stern and rough as he looked. He was probably the only one to scream at the children until they were in tears and when that happened he always had a look of certain satisfaction. His hair was always carefully pushed to the side with globs of jell holding it there. He had strong and muscular arms like those of a boxer with veins poking out on his legs and always carried around his trusty knife.
His knife. Oh, how he love to caress it so lovingly over the children’s necks when they had done something bad. Rodge would never cut them, but having the cold silver up against your neck and death on the tip of your tongue always made your heart race. He never went anywhere without it
And he was always drunk. That’s what scared you the most about him. If Rodge was drunk on the street you better head the other way because crossing paths with him when he was like that was like stepping on a crocodile’s tale. But even he was punished when news came back to Black, the leader of the group. They weren’t sure how exactly he was punished but he had said it was ruining the children’s minds to do such vulgar and unneeded things. Alex and Jeff had only recently found out about Black. They were so sure because it being such a small city, they knew all who lived there. But they missed him. Black was the one who kidnapped them from their families. He was another liar.
“Sir,” one of the soldiers began hesitantly, “I’m sure they wouldn’t have gone into the forest; they know only to well of what dangers will befall them.”
Rodge cast the soldier an icy glance. “Yes,” he began impatiently. “but they have little common sense. They are ignorant children who just won’t learn to accept what they already have.” The soldier looked down at his feet. “But they have enough common sense to realize the forest is to vast for two children.” Oh, how Alex wished he had just kept his mouth shut! For a brief moment she felts sorry for the soldier. Rodge looked at the man challengingly. “Are you telling me how to do my job?” Rodge placed his hand over his pocket were he kept his knife. “That shows to me a complete sign of disrespect. Am I right?” He said turning towards the rest of the soldiers. They remained silent. “I didn’t mean anything by it sir, I just meant that-“ Rodge with one quick movement withdrew his knife and slid it into the man’s stomach. Alex stared in horror at what was happening. The man’s features were frozen into a combination of shock and terror. He moaned as Rodge plunged the knife deeper into the man. His face was contorted with agony. Rodge merely smiled as blood began to trickle out of his mouth and nose. With one final twist of his knife he withdrew his hand, looking satisfied. The body fell in a heap on the ground.
“Anyone else have anything to say?” Rodge looked threateningly at the rest of the soldiers. “Good, happy to see we are on the same page.”
Rodge turned his back on the trembling men and gazed out at the forest suspiciously. He paused and stared directly at where Jeff and Alex were hiding. Alex drew in her breath and squeezed Jeff’s hand. Her eyes were wide open with terror. Rodge’s brown eyes passed their hiding spot and went on searching the brush for some indication of where they had went. “I know the girl. She is somewhere in this forest.” Rodge said turning back to the soldiers. He scanned his eyes over them and laughed coldly. “What a pathetic bunch of soldiers you are. Cowards.” He licked his lips. “If any of you so much as look scared when you are walking into that forest your going to end up like my buddy here.” Rodge kicked the body that he had just stabbed. “Are we clear?” He smiled showing his yellow teeth. “They couldn’t have gotten far.”
The soldiers began streaming into the forest. “Come on.” Alex said to Jeff. “This way and stay low.” Jeff obeyed and stuck close to the ground. Panic was rushing through both of their veins. They could hear the soldiers around them going their separate ways.
How evil this all seemed to them. They were alone in the dark accompanied by soldiers with guns.
Chapter two
Soldiers were all around Jeff and Alex. They could hear them. Jeff and Alex both had a few close calls but weren’t ready to sacrifice themselves back to the armed men. They had come to far to give up now.
At this point they were pretty sure they had lost them but were they also lost? Neither knew how close they were to the gate out but could feel they weren’t getting there any time soon. Jeff a couple times heard a stick crack behind him but when he turned around no one was there. The heat is just getting to you is all…he assured himself. But nevertheless quickened his pace.
Alex could feel her heart racing even now. The suspense and the thrill had been like nothing she had never experienced. The worst thrill she had experienced was skipping school one day so she could go to the pool and ended up seeing Mrs. Doe there. That’s how pathetic she was.
Alex put her hand up to her face and quickly withdrew it, mostly in shock. Her face felt crusty and hard. From sweat probably. And also maybe from crawling through the bushes and getting cut.
She could hear Jeff’s stomach growling in back of her. The noise brought her back to the reality that she was hungry too. She had been running all night probably and maybe even half of this morning. “You need a break?” Alex asked turning to Jeff. She herself needed to sit down. Before she was excelling on adrenaline and panic. It was like all of that had been used up and her legs were shaking uncontrollably. “Yea.” Jeff said in almost a whisper and collapsed at the tree nearest to him. Alex did the same and relaxed her head up against the tree behind her.
The treetops of the forest blew silently as if mocking Alex and Jeff’s inability to see what was going on in the outside world. Jeff and Alex were sure Rodge and his men were somewhere, still looking for them. They both hoped that they had given up looking in the forest and went elsewhere to look for them. Alex could still picture the light drown out of that man’s eyes as Rodge plunged the knife into his stomach. He looked kind of young too.
She rolled over and closed her eyes. She remembered her room back in the city. She shared it with two other girls and Randa, the teacher, who gave them meals and fed them. Instead of parents like the rest of us a group of kids would be assigned to one individual adult that was not at all related to them but they would follow their rules and call them ‘teacher.’ Then the most able out of the ‘teachers’ would gather into the classroom with the kids and help them in mathematics and reading and so forth. All and all it was not a bad life, but it was a life based on lies and people who you loved, but if given some money they would kill you in a heartbeat.
“Alex,” Jeff began “what do you think life outside here will be like?” Alex could hear the trembling in his voice, probably from anxiety. “I dunno.” Alex responded. “But I expect it will be much better than this place.” Jeff remained silent. I guess that was a clue he wanted to be left to his own thoughts. Once again, Alex curled up into a ball and laid her head down onto the tree.
Closing her eyes she thought about the life she was leaving behind. It will be worth it, Alex assured herself. Just as she was drifting off to sleep she was woken up by Jeff. “I heard someone!” he said in a shrill voice. Alex bolted upright and looked around. She could make out footsteps and whispers ringing out from all around her and Jeff. She jumped to her feet and began to run.
She could see Jeff out of the corner of her eye as she ducked to avoid tree branches. They found us! Alex thought panicking. After all that I’m not even going to get a glimpse of the outside! She ran faster as she heard the footsteps of people running behind her trying to catch up. What would they do once they caught us? Kill us like that poor soldier? Lock us up for the rest of our days. Jeff was heaving in, taking deep and panicky breaths. He sounded as if he had been running for hours. Desperately, she grabbed Jeff’s hand and made long strides. Grabbing a tree branch, she hoisted herself up along with Jeff. They climbed to the next highest one then dropped down and laid flat when they heard the hurried footsteps coming.
Below they could see dark figures scrambling around, trying to find any trace to were they might have gone. Alex held her breath as one of them went over to the tree trunk. She had dropped her backpack at the foot of it! And the man saw it. He picked up her bag and looked up at the tree, searching the branches for any sign of movement.
Maybe it was to dark… Alex thought hopefully as she bit her bottom lip. She felt like she was at the edge of a cliff and if she moved she would go plummeting to her death. When the figure was sure there was no one in the tree he began retreating back to the group.
Alex felt like she couldn’t breathe. They knew they were there and they would find them. “Come on,” Alex said in a hoarse whisper. “we need to get out of here now.” For a moment neither Jeff or Alex were able to move. Their bodies were pathetically clinging to the branch in such a way they looked like a pile of dirt. Jeff was the first to move. He soundlessly put his leg over the edge and scooted to the end of the branch and then looked back at Alex. He grabbed the stub of a branch that looked like it was recently cut down and swung his legs around the tree like he was hugging it then carefully slid down and jumped into the bush nearest to him. Now it was Alex’s turn.
She looked down at the group of soldiers searching the brush and scanning the treetops. Her whole body felt numb and her heart was beating so rapidly and hard she was sure someone looking at her could see it.
Still on her stomach, she grabbed the wood behind her and gently pushed herself closer to the base of the tree.
As she did so her belt made a scraping noise.
Alex stopped moving immediately and tucked her head under her arms. None of the soldiers seemed to hear her so she flipped her legs over the edge and scooted to the end just as Jeff had done. She looked behind her making sure no one was looking at her. Then she grabbed the stub of the branch and wrapped both of her legs around the tree. Her heart was racing. She carefully slid down and landed on the dirt. Relief swept over her. She turned to the bush Jeff had gone in and whispered his name. “Jeff?” No response. “you there?” Alex listened closely for any noise indicating his presence. “I don’t think he is going to be responding any time soon, missy.” It was not Jeff’s voice but a much thicker and deeper voice. Alex whipped around to see a man twice her size with four long scars across her face. The man placed his fingertip to her neck before she could scream and she immediately passed out. The last thing she saw was the fading image of Jeff struggling with two men.
Three days earlier
Everything was all planned out. “We need to escape at night,” Alex had told Jeff. “when our ‘teacher’ is asleep.” It seemed like a good plan.
They thought they had everything planned out before Carrie (a girl in Alex’s class) had mysteriously died on the same night as one of the training drills. The body was never shown to any of the children but the ‘teachers’ buried her that same night after everyone had went to bed.
But Carrie had not died, she was simply another run-away who wasn’t caught. Alex and Jeff both knew that. But this was a problem. Every time someone ran away there was extra tight security set up everywhere so they could catch that person when they came back. But then usually after the first couple of days they figured they had died of starvation and everything went back to normal.
So they had to postpone running away another day until things cooled down. But then of course their stupidest mistake was leaving in broad daylight.
They had pieced the puzzle together in a matter of weeks from the mentions of the attempted escapes by their teachers and ease-dropping on a conversation with Black and Rodge.
Before they left they tried to convince some other children that they were being fooled. None listened. Even if this city was built on lies and evil, it was the only life to which they knew.
Alex went to Tory’s house and made a tearful goodbye to her best friend. “Will I ever see you again?” Tory had asked. Instead of saying something comforting to her friend Alex figured it was much better to simply tell the truth. “No,” she had answered and left Tory’s dorm abruptly, trying not to show her moist eyes.
Jeff on the other hand was in a hurry to leave. He had had his bags packed two days in advanced and stopped going to school completely. Alex had begged him to go because it would look suspicious if he didn’t but he said that he wanted no more attachments to his old life.
Funny, he was calling his present life the ‘old life.’ Like it was a pastime or something that had happened long ago. He had himself convinced that his new life would be better and more free.
On the final day Alex waited on the steps for Jeff. She was waiting for her new life to begin.
Present day
Alex rolled over throwing the sheet over her head. She thought she was back in her dorm being nudged awake by her ‘teacher’ and being told to get up. But reality quickly swept back into her. She bolted upright to see she was in a cave with at least a dozen other people. Some older and some younger. Among them was the unconscious Jeff.
Alex’s eyes met with the boy who had waken her up. In the darkness, because of his size she thought he was a man, but she was mistaken. His eyes were golden with four scars across his face. They certainly weren’t the soldiers.
“Who are you?” She tried to asked bravely, but her voice cracked as she did this making it clear she was terrified. “I’m not here to hurt you. None of us are. We are trying to escape here as well.” The boy’s voice was calm and kind.
Alex’s eyes narrowed. “What did you do to me and Jeff?” The boy took a moment before answering. “Temporarily paralysis. If I touched you in the right pressure point you were out cold.” Alex studied the boy’s features. They seemed so familiar…
“What is your name?” She asked sitting up. “Levin.” He responded with a smirk on his face. “Levin.” Alex repeated. “Weren’t you the one who ran away a year ago?” Her voice was full of excitement. They weren’t dead! Everyone who had tried to escape was still alive. “Yes.” He narrowed his eyes to his feet. He went over to the group of other boys and children lined up on the wall. Alex knew all of them. She even saw Carrie there.
“All of us are people who tried to escape from this wretched city.” Levin began. “We all have failed. They have chased us into the forest and kept us here like keeping us in a cage. Now it is our turn. We are going to escape. They had it coming to them. No doubt the outside world is much better than this place.” Alex looked at him with curiosity. “Has anyone ever escaped before?” She asked. “No.” Levin answered but quickly added, “But we are the only ones who have tried. We are planning to leave in two days.” Alex felt uncertain whether to believe them or not. Levin read her expression.
“Have you not left your only home just to escape? Have you not been chased through the woods, shot at, and slept in a cave for a few days just to get away? We stand firm and as one whole. We are in this together until the end. And by the looks of it, you don’t have much of a choice.” There was a small silence then he asked, “Are you in?”
Alex pondered whether she should talk to Jeff before she made her decision. This is what they had wanted to do, right? They hadn’t come this far just to give up. She looked at the desperate young faces standing before her. She knew all of them. Sadness had surrounded them for a long time. She took a deep breath. “I’m in.”
Chapter three
Life in the forest for the next couple of days wasn’t to bad. They were well fed with berries and other fruit. And with the group of kids you were never bored. They made up ghost stories and jokes about their teachers in the dorm and Lt. Rodge. It was actually fun for a while. The plan was already laid out. It was quite the dull-witted plan but everyone assured them it was going to work.
One of the fastest members in the group, Riley, was going to shut down the central control and lighting systems for the city. This meant they couldn’t set off the drill to warn the soldiers before they were able to get to the gate. When the city lights were dark they would all make a run for it. It sounds simple but Alex had a feeling it was going to be much harder than just that.
Just as Alex had thought Jeff made no argument about any aspect of her decision. He rationalized they were only children like themselves and they couldn’t do anything to harm them.
But soon the two days were up. They took the little they had with them and they were off. Jeff expected the walk would take all night. About 2 hours into the walk people started getting edgy. “I can’t see anything.” Alex heard someone complain. She also heard people muttering that they thought this wasn’t a good idea and they should turn back now while they had the chance. Of course no one did that, but it just depresses you when people are talking so negatively in such a bad situation. Alex kept shooting glances at Riley to see how he was doing. He looked nervous.
They were getting close. The thick canopy began to lighten and the trees spread apart. Finally they saw the end. Moonlight dripped into the forest illuminating the way. Stars shone brightly as if encouraging them to keep going.
Riley said his farewells to everyone saying he would see them on the outside and set out into the darkness. Looking out at the city at night was beautiful. It looked like a light bulb keeping everything around it warm and bright.
After ten minutes of agonizing waiting the first quarter of the city went off. Then the next. Then the next. It was slightly unnerving to know they were so close to escape. What would it be like? What would happen? These thoughts rang around in Jeff’s head. He could see Alex shuffling nervously out of the corner of his eye. Then the final part of the city was dark.
“Come on!” Levin whispered to them. Alex and Jeff turned around to see everyone hurrying the other way. Alex bit her lip. She looked back pointlessly into the darkness at the city. What if they were trying to keep us in this city for a reason? What if the outside world was dangerous. It’s too late to turn back. She said to herself. But something in her heart seemed to be pulling her back to the city.
Jeff hadn’t given what Levin said any second thought. He was already getting up and going over to him. “You coming?” He asked looking anxiously over to Alex. “Yea.” She murmured.
She had never gone this far into the meadow. It was completely bare with flowers springing out of the ground everywhere. Then they heard something. The rumbling of footsteps. The soldiers. Everyone whipped around to see what was happening. “Run!” Levin screamed turning the other way and darting in front of everyone. The children followed after him. Alex stayed there for a brief moment looking for Riley. He was nowhere to be seen. They had gotten him. She prayed they wouldn’t do anything too bad to him. The lights of the city behind the soldiers began to turn on again. Alex turned on her heel and ran the other way following Jeff who was right in front of her.
Here she was. Running again. Her legs strained to keep going as she nearly tripped over some grass coated with morning dew.
“Don’t!” Alex heard Rodge yelling. She merely went faster. She had no need to trust him anymore. He was nothing more than a liar.
The moonlight was the only thing to guide their way. Yelling and shouts of warning sounded out from behind them. The ground was shaking with the running of soldiers and a dozen children.
For some reason tears began to roll down Alex’s cheeks. Perhaps the thrill of finally leaving this place was what created them she would never know, but either way here they came, pouring down her cheeks. No one around her shared any of the same grief. Probably no one took time to think about it with all the terror of Lt. Rodge and the soldiers chasing them.
They were running for what seemed like an eternity when things began to change. The grass around them was dead. The moonlight no longer shown so brightly. It was as if the whole world had died. She looked behind her to see how close the soldiers were. They were gaining. She looked back in front of her and panicked. Everyone had disappeared! Even Jeff! Then she saw why; there was the wall there. It was wavy and shifted like the ocean.
For a moment Alex didn’t know what to do. She stared at the wall contemplating whether to go through. Apparently the others had gone through, but still Alex’s doubt clouded her thinking. She was terrified. She stuck her finger on the wall and it went right through. She withdrew it quickly like she had just touched something hot. Where she had touched rippled off in waves like if you touched water.
She didn’t have time to think much longer. She kicked the wall and as she did so her whole leg vanished through one side of the wall. She kept it there for a moment absorbing the feeling. It was like being thrown into a pool of cold water.
The soldiers were only thirty feet away. Alex heard Rodge order something to the soldiers and they all came to a stop. She looked at him curiously.
“Please don’t do this!” he begged. “You are the next generation! You are the beginning of something new!” he sounded sincere.
“The minute you walk through that wall you will regret it! Death will befall you like many, many others. This is the warning I am giving you. I can not be blamed for whatever comes your way beyond that gate.” Even in the dark Alex could picture the pleading look on Rodge’s face. He sounded so sincere. So desperate. But he is a liar she reminded herself. This wouldn’t be the first time he would have lied to her. But still that annoying voice was ringing in her head, telling her to go with him. Alex shook it off.
With one last act of courage she jumped through the wall. Darkness surrounded her and everything was spinning. Depression spread over her. The minute she went into there she knew she had done something wrong. Then she felt something hard beneath her. It was the ground. She looked up at her first glimpse of the new world.
Darkness spread out as far as the eye could see. There wasn’t a sign of life anywhere. No one. Nothing. No grass. No people. Bare. Nothing. Tears seeped through her eyes. She had made a huge mistake. She looked around for any sign of Jeff or Levin or anyone. At first glance she didn’t see them but looking again she saw the most horrific sight in the world. Their bodies were black and in heaps like soot. They were dead. Terror struck over her as she turned around and began beating on the wall again, trying to get back through.. It was solid. She couldn’t get back through. As she as pounding she realized something; her hand was blackening. It looked like the same thing that had happened to Jeff and everyone else. “Help me!” She wept as she saw Rodge and his soldiers retreating. “Please!” The darkness crept from her hand to her hip. Alex could feel her throat constricting. Everything I have done was for nothing. Everything, if I had just stayed I would still be alive right now. She continued to feebly knock against the wall until pain overtook her. She collapsed on the ground feeling it creep up her neck. She wept even harder as she could see she was nearing her end. Alex fell on her stomach and closed her eyes as the darkness seeped down her legs and torso. She could no longer breathe. Then she saw nothing. Alex was dead.
Chapter four
A disease had spread throughout the whole earth. Darkness consumes you and sort of turns your organs into soot. Black was a scientist in California who made had made a shield to protect them from terrorist attacks. Nothing could get passed the shield. It would surround a town and missiles couldn’t get through. Not gasses, not any sort of bacteria.
Black was a religious man so when this happened he knew this must be the end of the world. He gathered up a team of adults who kidnapped children and they were stored in the city. Black did not want to accept death and he didn’t want to be alone under the shield so he figured by kidnapping children he would be starting a new generation.
When the darkness came through the country Black, the adults, and the children were ready. He made the shield dome over a large area of land and made sure there was enough food, forested areas, and water for them to survive.
To answer your question, yes Rodge is evil. He did everything for selfish reasons and only tried to help Alex and the others because he was afraid of punishment from Black. He didn’t care who lived and who died, as long as he survived he didn’t think twice about killing his soldiers. Black recruited Rodge because he was strong and Black figured it would come in handy later on. But he merely sat back and watched everyone else doing all the work while he, because of his strength, was made Lieutenant Rodge. He enjoyed the title and the power he had over people even though he was never willing to work for what he wanted. He mostly abused the children and waited for him to be called for another runaway chase. Other than that, he would wobble down the street; a full-blow drunk.
Ronda was also recruited by Black. She was only about 21 and desperately wanted to escape the death that was befalling the rest of the country. Black understood her feelings and also let her in. Although she had grown to like Alex she had to tell her lies under direct orders from Black. She told Alex about the bukni plants in the forest so she wouldn’t go in and get lost. She felt terrible afterwards but she had to do it. Ronda had sensed Alex was up to something suspicious and knew she would be another run-away so she fed her terrifying tales to keep her from going. It of course didn’t work. The darkness was to manipulative over Alex and she wouldn’t listen to anyone.
The darkness had tried desperately to penetrate the walls of the city but every time it touched the dome it was burned. It eventually gave up and decided to wait until people decided to wander out and then it would devour them.
Yes, they were not the kindest of things. It acted on its own free will and had no problem destroying a town or city. The darkness had a mission and it wouldn’t stop until it was finished.
It watched from outside the dome and observed the life of the people inside. It would manipulate their thoughts and made coincidences fate. They made people believe everyone around them was a liar. It made them feel depressed and alone and isolated from everyone else around them. Slowly what the darkness was saying got to the children and they wandered out one by one and the disease and darkness killed them.
The children were the easiest to manipulate. Their minds were still developing and they weren’t at all aware of the evil surrounding them. It was easy for the darkness to tap into their minds and twist their thoughts around against the people they loved.
It almost enjoyed making people panic and make luck turn against them. Yes, the darkness could feel but only selfish feelings like hate and misery. It watched death sweep over people with satisfaction. They twisted children’s minds around. It did whatever it could to cause chaos around them. And they enjoyed every minute of it.
But the city wouldn’t last for long. It’s walls were already trembling under the strain of the darkness’s power and disease. It was antagonizing more and more people to come out into the open. Yes, the silly people wouldn’t last for long. They were all doomed don’t matter what time they chose to die.
By Marian Lemont
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Well, let me start off by saying that you show a lot of promise and you are very talented already for being so young. You have a great imagination and vocabulary, and you used it very well in the story.
I did have a few problems, though. First off, sometimes you would put “Randa” and others you would put “Ronda”. There were some grammatical errors such as mixing up the words “tail” and “tale”, and “to” and “too”. There were one or two run-on sentences, and little sequence errors (ex: “It of course didn’t work.” Maybe change it to: “Of course, it didn’t work.”).
Overall, this is a great story, but I have to admit I was a bit disappointed at the end – it could be longer and maybe made into a book rather than a short story. That way you could work more with characters and stuff like that. =]
If you decide to continue, I’d love to read more. Great work!
=]
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I can’t reall suggest anything that you don’t know! The begining is a little tough to get thru but you know that. Suggestion clean it up. If you want an easier read also indent between paragraphs. It doesn’t make it look like a regular book but it read better. Also a little confusing going from past to present. Worry about formatting in the book form once you have it finished! Keep writing and keep up the good work!
I can not beleive you are twelve!! My son is twelve, I dragged him in here and made him read some of what you wrote. He’s a smart kid, but dosn’t apply himself. I thought you would be a good example for him. This was quite an impressive story…for any aged writer, particularly one as young as yourself.
The story itself was interesting, unique and well written. You have a very promising future as a writer. The way you used the ‘3 days earlier’ and then ch. 4, which was actually an epilogue, was masterful!
I felt that Jeff’s character could have been a bit more eprsonalized. I had trouble relating to him until very near the end.
Here are some words that were repeated frequently throughout the story:
terror, heave, experienced, pathetic, shock, immediately, reality, soldiers, seeped
You need to learn to format the dialogue segments correctly:
Ex:
“What is your name?” She asked sitting up. “Levin.” He responded with a smirk on his face. “Levin.” Alex repeated. “Weren’t you the one who ran away a year ago?” Her voice was full of excitement. They weren’t dead! Everyone who had tried to escape was still alive. “Yes.” He narrowed his eyes to his feet.
should look like:
“What is your name?” Sahe asked…
“Levin,” he responded with…
“Levin,” Alex repeated. “Weren’t you the…year ago?” Her voice full of excitement…still alive.
“Yes.” He narrowed…
There were some common grammar issues with the proper usage of the terms:
to/too, where/were,
and you spelled Ronda,Randa as well.
Also there were a few tense shifts, and some incorrect comma usage and misspelled words. I won’t waste your credits pointing each one out. Leave a comment if you would like me to give a few examples.
All in all I loved the story, I really look forward to reading more of your writing and seeing where you go with it as you improve (ever further than you have) your craft!
I am thoroughly impressed. Great work!
Ok, stay in either Alex’s voice or 1st person ok. “The evil forest” is too general. You don’t want to the readers to know that yet. You could say, eveyone had heard scary things about the forest. I like the action. Now this is how every good story should begin. It draws the reader in. -REVISE-“Randa said the plants smell your fear” Plants have no brain to think. You could say: The plants were so human-like in characteristics that they seemed to sense that people were afraid. Or their is a legend that the plants can actually smell fear.
“And Alex was scared. So why was she getting so dizzy”--REVISE: You could say. Alex was dizzy with fear. Or Alex own fear made her feel dizzy. You must adDress who the soldiers are and why they are chasing these people early on in the story. “Tears popped into her eyes”: REVISE Tears blured her vison or tears suddenly formed in her eyes.”Jeff looked like a deer, caught in the headlights”REVISE: This is what editors consider a cliche. You could say. Jeff looked like he’d seen a ghost oR Jeffs face suddenly took on a look of sheer terror. Revise: Roomers-Rumors. REVISEHis knife. ‘Oh, how he love to caress it so lovingly over the children’s necks. Say--he seemed to enjoy raking the knife across the childrens necks. How were the child’s minds being ruined? What methods were used? You have to tell the reader. Take out “worst thrill. Say strange or dark thrill, more sophisticatd sounding. There are 2 page REVISE “Alex whipped around to see a man twice her size with four long scars across her face” Change “her” to his. Ok very good idea.Some of your writing seemed flwaless at times However innsome places it looked hurried. Take your time> aLSO DON’T EVER TELL THE READER THINGS ABOUT THE STROY THE WAY YOU DID ON THE LAST PAGE. these last pages should have been near the beginnig so that the reader would have some sensa of what the students were running from and how the soldies fit in. I liked this it just needs a little work. SO GET BUSY. i WILL LOOK FORWARD TO MORE WRITTEN ON THIS. RESPECTIVELY SANDI K. Oh try not to have so many characters unless you can tell a little about all. You threw me when you brought in the new characters.
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