I have always been really worried about that.
Thanks for your honesty!
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Clan Prologue (Analysis)
Before the world had even begun there was darkness. A blanket held down by the weight of the millions of floating stars. Little glints of light that shone with pride and content every moment throughout time, even until this very day, their beauty overwhelms the least vulnerable part of our minds with wonder and amazement. There was no time, words, life or anything that makes our world so amazing. But there was something. If it was possible for you to look in between the darkness of the universe and the light of the stars, you would have found her. The legend, Mother Nature.
Mother Nature was: a beautiful essence, a beautiful gathering of thoughts, spending her time dancing within the confinements of the stars. Then for some reason, out of no where, boredom whipped her lonesome mind. Mother Nature was in shock. Never before had she been able to feel. Such a negative vibe ran through her transparent body of thoughts and she dived into the depths of depression as more and more feelings began to drown her. Lonely and scared, the overwhelmed Mother Nature did not know what to do. Her essence began to wither slowly in the dark and the stars started to dim.
After what seemed centuries of dwelling she found ways to overcome these mysterious, dark feelings and began to feel better. The feeling of loneliness was conquered by giving the stars names, making shapes with them cured her from being bored and realising she never left the place where she’s been comfortably dancing the whole time, stopped her from being scared.
Eventually, she got bored once again and instead of playing with the stars, she just did nothing. Well, at first sight it seemed like she was doing nothing. If you could have taken a closer look you would of seen her body of thoughts moving around like wild fire. Like a transparent mist that’s caught a rhythm and wants to dance. Mother nature was thinking and imagining. Mother nature was imagining a world, a place where lots of things could live. Things with life, and movement. Creations with the power to talk and play. This place in her mind was amazing and she made little situations with all the different types of ‘beings’ in her mind. The need for this place grew so strong, she felt sick with frustration. The thought of her child not being able to become a realistic object crippled her.
Through some sort of miracle, as if another essence wanted to cure Mother Natures ache’s, one of the stars noticeably crashed into another and created a bright spark. A spark that glowed. A spark that glowed with magic. At this same moment, coincidently or well timed, Mother Nature wished with all her soul for the creation she yearned for. The two stars now fused together began to grow and grow. They grew with the pure power of Mother Natures determination and un seen love for this single thought in her mind. Over a matter of time there was a round, clean, fresh, untouched world. This time it was not in her thoughts that this world appeared. But Right in front of her. Gradually, as the warm glow of happiness spread throughout the universe, more and more beasts and animals appeared on the Earth. Plants, mountains, rivers, ponds, the sun, the moon, all these things that had once just been nothing more than fiction, nothing more than a game in her mind.
Mother Nature moved herself onto her new planet, and created a parallel world, for spirits to wonder around in. This new world was amongst humans; those who were alive and entrapped in a body. But the spirits could not be seen by them. Mother Nature was ecstatic, she could tweak with her baby in any way she wanted, she could change what displeased her and would give everyone everything they needed to be happy, which inevitably was freedom.
Life on Earth moved on. Mother Nature loved her newly created dollhouse, she would think up stories and events for her new play things, her children, to act out. She would create new breeds of humans, such as Elves and Goblins, Vampires and Pixies. She even altered the structure of birds to create Dragons and Pegasus’. Sadly though, Mother Nature could not be in all the places at once and people were taking their lives into their own hands and making their own situations in a unruly manner. What could be done? Mother Nature pondered for a thousand years until the idea came to her. Unfortunately by then, divides were already created between populations, mutual hatred was formed and wars would break out over things such as land. Mother Nature could not stop this, this was what the populace originally wanted, and she gave it to them – freedom.
Magic power was a rarity at the beginning of time and those who possessed it were often burned at the stake, because it would scare civilians beyond belief. Even though humans were the most complex of creations, they still seemed to be quite simple when it came to their instincts. Creator of all things, Mother Nature, handed out a certain amount of magic power to those who became natural leaders amongst their lands and named them prophets.
Prophets became spirits such as Mother nature, but with great responsibility. They were allowed to take their families with them to be used as servants or helpers in the parallel world where they could live amongst human beings and never be seen. Prophets were in charge of the lands and all the people in them; not as kings, but more like storytellers. Or better described as hidden narrators. The prophets had to make their own situations and stories, they had to create fate. There were to be three or more options to follow which all had to vary to a certain degree, so the free people and animals of the world had some control over their own lives. Once decided upon, the stories should not be changed and solely left to the occupants of the land to carry out. There were many other countless rules to be followed, which were practiced over thousands of years. These stories made by the ever creative prophets were called prophecies. Meanwhile, Mother Nature watched lazily, resting in her canopy of stars.
One prophet only had two daughters to take with him, their names were lost along with the languages of the ancient lands, but they soon became legends within every lore across the world. Their names were Electra and V. The girls’ father was amazingly imaginative and his power grew. An easy connection was made; the more his power grew the more interesting stories he would weave for the lands and his majesty, mother of all things. Though sometimes things would get out of hand or go wrong, there were times where not all the rules were followed and the prophecy was not acted out. This is where the two daughters came in. The two daughters known as V and Electra would burst through a gateway between their own world and ours and lead good to triumph over evil, remove the shadow from the light and put rebels in their place. This only ever happened rarely but whenever the girls were around it was told that they were unbeatable, never did they loose, they were said to be immortal and so heavenly like in the looks that any man would have been stupid to the core not to follow behind them when summoned.
Ancient stories tell that Electra fell to the Dark Lord (who controlled the west) while she walked amongst the world as a human. Stories murmured that Electra felt inferior to her more beautiful sister and when she was feeling most angry and most vulnerable the Dark Lord used his corrupted, sugar coated words to talk her into working for him. He told her she would have all the power she could ever desire and crush her sister back into history where she belonged. Electra sold herself and her power to the Dark Lord, Electra agreed never to be released until the Dark Lord was defeated and all the dark lands were taken from him by the hands of the east.
Electra could only be described as electrifying. Her blonde hair burnt any unprepared eyes with it’s stunning glow and her eyes pierced everything she looked at. Crisper than fresh snow, her blue eyes would demand attention and hypnotise unsuspected victims to fall at her feet. Healthier skin could not be found, her body, flawless, her personality, faultless. To find a kinder, smarter, prettier, stronger person you would have to search for eons. In fact, that person did not and will never exist. Electra was electrifying perfection.
Mother Nature watched in horror, there was nothing she could do now but look to the future. Mother Nature’s fingers were slipping as she slowly lost control of what had always been hers. It was tragic for Electra’s father and sister to hear, as Electra had always had a sensible head, never was she quick to act on impulsive desires.
Not long after, by another power, maybe from another prophecy, the Dark Lord’s soul was extracted from his human form and put into a statue where it was to remain until the end of time, or until he managed to take over the east with an army at his command. This looked so improbable the lands of the West nearly went to chaos. It was said that this was a conspiracy created by Electra’s father, the Prophet, to revenge the capture of his beloved daughter.
While he was in his current position, the Dark Lord delegated his tasks to Electra and she carried out all the jobs the Dark Lord could only ever have done in human form. This eased the pains of the people of the West. Mother Nature was torn in two. She could feel the pain of Electra but could feel the pain of the dark people when Electra was not around. Another finger lost its grip on the edge of her dollhouse.
Inside Electra screamed with pain, as she knew her heart was good. Never could she perform such objectives if she was acting under her own will. V, her sister, knew this. She could feel the pain of her best friend, her flesh and blood. The telepathic connection they had as sisters and servants of the prophecy, told her that Electra did not mean to sell her will to the evil powers of the world and swore to somehow to rescue her twin sister from the darkest power she knew.
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1Nevermind1 reviewed Version 4 -
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This 71 word review has not been unlocked.
slbynum3 reviewed Version 4 -
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Very creative beginning, I like how the world was created, with the stars fusing and everything.
I think you should follow the ‘show don’t tell’ rule in your writing though (people tell me to do the same, so you’re not the only one). For example, instead of ‘telling’ us that Electra sold herself and her powers to the Dark Lord, you could ‘show’ a scene where Electra confronts him and they have this conversation. Just a suggestion.
I didn’t see any noticeable grammer problems, so you did very well with that. Sometimes the story got a little confusing if I didn’t slow down and think about it, but I see it definitely has potential. Keep working at it. It’s something I would like to read more of.
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tkarma reviewed Version 4 -
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This was a fun prologue to read. I look forward to the story. I picked out some parts that struck me:
boredom whipped her lonesome mind-I like this image
feeling of loneliness was conquered by giving the stars names, making shapes with them cured her from being bored-I like this idea
a transparent mist that’s caught a rhythm and wants to dance-I like this line
scare civilians beyond belief-You don’t need the qualifier ‘beyond belief’. It weakens the sentence.
One prophet only had two daughters to take with him, their names were lost along with the languages of the ancient lands, but they soon became legends within every lore across the world. Their names were Electra and V.The two daughters known as V and Electra-Here you say the names were lost, then give us the names, then repeat the names…confusing!
stupid to the core-cliche
Electra sold herself and her power to the Dark Lord, Electra agreed never to be released until the Dark Lord was defeated-this confused me
Luis reviewed Version 4 -
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I was extremely excited at the beginning because I think is well written, but then you start to lost me.
I went over the text again and I feel that you start to rushing the story a little after the creation of the world.
You have a huge, infinite creation, the biggest possible (the universe) and you start talking with a nice poetic language of the starts and darkness and then you start talking about humans and prophets and princesses, a completely different scale.
You abandoned the poetic language. At the beginning sounds like a myth, a legend, then as just a plot of a movie that you’re telling your friends about.
And the biggest problem is EXPLANATION against ILLUSTRATION. Don’t tell, show. When you’re talking about the prophets, it seems like you’re explaining some rpg rules.
Take your time to show how this world works.
I like the piece overall, sometimes is a little naive.
“At this same moment, coincidently or well timed, Mother Nature wished with all her soul for the creation she yearned for. ”
Isn’t she Mother Nature, almighty?
Cheers,
Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
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What a beautiful start :) Keeping in mind your “notes to the reviewer” I ignored all the grammatical, sentence-structural, punctuation errors and focused on your creation of characters and this intriguing world.
You definitely have talent and imagination! :)
You might want to consider recreating Mother Nature’s “feelings” in the beginning. Perhaps give them a different name, or describe them so they don’t sound like “feelings.” Feelings are human whereas Mother Nature seems more divine. Perhaps play with colors, or sounds/vibrations, lights, elements or something instead of feelings?
You also might want to go into more detail with the rules (specifically the 3 initial rules), and perhaps explain the creation of the forces of nature for this world like gravity and elements and physics, etc… There are parts that need a little more detail, and some parts where you repeat yourself (not as much detail).
It’s definitely a beautiful start, and I would love to read more! :)
OfTrepidation reviewed Version 4 -
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I think that with a little work, this could be a very nice story for a younger age group. There are some very poetic lines here which I very much enjoyed. You also have some good visual components. Keep working.
DragonQueen reviewed Version 4 -
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Before the world had even begun there was darkness. A blanket held down by the weight of the millions of floating stars. Little glints of light that shone with pride and content every moment throughout time, even until this very day, their beauty overwhelms the least vulnerable part of our minds with wonder and amazement.
This is a good beginning!
Then for some reason, out of no where,
Try to avoid thens
one of the stars noticeably crashed into another and created a bright spark. A spark that glowed. A spark that glowed with magic.
Change to one sentance. Ex: One of the stars noticeably crashed into another creating a bright spark that glowed with magic.
The biggest problem I noticed was the was problem. You have 38 was’s, 20 weres, and 16 as’s.
some of these can’t be changed, but most of them you are going to want to get rid of. They hurt your story.
Lynn_Riley reviewed Version 4 -
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Overall it’s interesting, although there is a lot of information to take in all at once. I didn’t find any blazingly obvious grammar or spelling errors.
You seem to have a pretty firm grasp of your style and what you want to do with this story. I look forward to reading more.
DragonFire reviewed Version 4 -
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Before the world had even begun there was darkness. A blanket held down by the weight of the millions of floating stars. Little glints of light that shone with pride and content every moment throughout time, even until this very day, their beauty overwhelms the least vulnerable part of our minds with wonder and amazement.
Wonderful beginning!!! I mean it.
one of the stars noticeably crashed into another and created a bright spark. A spark that glowed. A spark that glowed with magic.
Thisis good, but try makeing this one sentance. ” into another and created an bright spark that glowed with magic.
I liked it and would read more. I say well done.
zeldatroy16 reviewed Version 4 -
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hmm its good but its a bit hard to follow u need to desribe wats going on in a more simple way so that everyone can understade it
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