Thank you this helps alot.
Horror / Entering The Threshold (Analysis)
It had all started out as an adrenaline rush. Ryan and Shelby wanted to get something out of the last few moments of their night out, by exploring the old and said to be haunted insane asylum that was to be demolished the next morning.
“For a memory,” Ryan suggested, “This place will be gone soon, so why not check the place out and have a little fun?”
Shelby wasn’t normally into the scare tactic things that Ryan was. But she did like him, and would do anything in her power to make him happy. She looked up at him with her gray eyes nervously. “I don’t know if we should Ryan. It’s not safe.”
Ryan grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes and somehow managed to convince her to go in with him. As they approached the large rusted iron doors her grip on his hand tightened. He chuckled, “It’s going to be fine, and nothing is going to happen.”
The door had a warning sign on it explaining that the building was in habitable and dangerous. Across the iron door handles was a thick chain and lock. “I guess we can’t get in.” Stated Shelby happily, but just as she was about to turn around and go back to the car he yanked on her arm.
“What are you talking about? Of course we can get in.”
Part 1: Crossing the Threshold
On the side of the building were many boarded windows. Some were covered completely while others were only partially covered as if someone had run out of wood to cover them. “I’ve actually been here more than once,” Stated Ryan as they walked down the side of the building hand in hand, “That’s how I know how to get in. See this window, its open.”
He let go of her hand and reached for the large plank of wood that covered the window. Shelby expected him to try his hardest to pull it off, urging on strength that she knew he didn’t have much of since he was so scrawny, but instead he took it off as if it wasn’t really attached at all. He put down the piece of wood and ran his hand through his red hair with a smile, “See? Now come on I’ll help you in.”
Shelby walked cautiously over to her boyfriend as she played with a strand of her choppy black and blond hair. Her black nailed hand reached over to the window as she peered inside. “But it’s so dark, Ryan.”
“Don’t worry; I have a flash light, here.” He handed the said object to the petite girl. The window had not been broken, it just didn’t exist. There were no glass shards on the window pane to cut her fingers, arms or legs; the only problem was that the light from outside was the only light shining upon the floor inside. It was almost as if the darkness itself was a living creature inside the old building. But she knew better than that and shook off the feeling of dread that sank to her stomach. She held on to the window pane as she put her converse covered foot in his braced hand.
“Ready?” he asked. She nodded and he counted to three before lifting her up and thrusting her into the building.
Shelby landed awkwardly on her hands and knees at the height difference from outside of the building to the inside. The floor was a lot higher than the ground outside, which made the transfer quite dizzying. She stood up and wiped her knees of old dust and dirt that had been on the thin brown carpet. She looked up and stood still as she took in the surroundings that she could see. Obviously no one had been in the building for years, yet no one had taken out any furniture either. Why would they demolish a house with the objects still inside? Didn’t they take them out?
The room she was in was a waiting room for new patients. Off in the darkness she could barely make out a check in desk with a glass window and speaker, almost like the ones at the theater’s ticket booths. There were chairs with the cushions fluff torn out to the point that you could see the metal springs within them; tables that had old news paper were turned over or broken and the news papers sprawled about; graffiti decorated some of the walls with illegible righting, though she could make out some. She wiped her nose; the air was musty and had an old home smell to it that almost suffocated the air of freshness. Off in the other direction she could see the front door that they had tried to enter through earlier. It seemed to make the place spookier with a feeling that that large door could be your only way out; that large, heavy door with a lock on the other end…
Shelby moved her eyes quickly to the side as she saw a shadow rush past her to the right. She stared into the darkness were the said shadow should have been. Her eyes dilated and tried to adjust to the dark to see what it could be. She saw the outline of it, large and bent over like a person crouched over in pain. She squinted her eyes trying to see it, her heart thudding as she began to see its hands moving.
“Shelby?”
She jumped at the sound of Ryan’s voice. She turned to him with a pale hand on her heart, for it thudded rapidly against her chest. “Damn it Ryan don’t sneak up on me like that!” She pushed him and he laughed.
“I didn’t sneak up. I called your name three times, you were day dreaming.” He grabbed her side and pulled her to him, kissing her cheek lovingly. “I’m sorry and I won’t do it again. Now where’s that flash light?”
Shelby reached in her pocket and handed him the grey object. As he went to turn it on she stared forward where the shadowed creature had been, waiting to see if it would be there when the light turned on. Her mind was telling her not to scare herself and just to look away, but she had to know. Because she could still see it, even now as he fiddled with the batteries she saw it moving its hands frantically across its wrist. With a click the light turned on and she closed her eyes at its bright yellow light.
Opening them, she saw nothing but a warped wall.
“Are you ready to explore?” Ryan asked with a wicked smirk that gave her a chill. She smiled laughing nervously and took his hand as they walked further into the building.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting. Good detail on the description of the house.
I wouldn’t start a story with “It all started”. It’s a bit cheesy and overused. Try starting the story just as they get to the house, and tell us what they are doing there a paragraph-or-two in. Make us wonder for a bit.
“Said-to-be-haunted”- hyphenate.
A grammar checker will pick up errors. MS Word is good.
If he’d called her name 3 times, Ryan probably wouldn’t feel the need to apologise.
Aside from this, it’s a good start and I look forward to the next part.
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dukelemoyne reviewed Version 1 -
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You’re doing a nice job setting the scene for the scares to come. You’ve planted the seed of fear in Shelby, our heroine. And of course there’s Ryan, the boyfriend, the unbeliever, rushing them headlong into the unknown. Classic stuff, loaded with potential.
Your immediate problem is with spelling and grammar. A lot of young writers think it’s a minor problem, like being a slow typer. Language skills are a necessity. Without them your work, though it may be potentially great, is too difficult to read. So use a dictionary, thesaurus, and style guide. You have talent and it deserves to be seen. Thanks for the read.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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You need to do a major job of cleaning up your grammar and spelling. You’ve written some run-on sentences, too, that need to be organized with commas.
This story has possibilities. Even though haunted insane asylums are almost a cliched genre, they have the possibility to be something quite frightening. There is something spooky about an insance asylum, even when it’s one that is not sitting empty, waiting for destruction.
The shadow that Shelby sees is a good start. A portend of things to come, if you will.
You need to clean up your descriptions of your characters a bit. I didn’t like how you handled it with Shelby. Put more of it together, the petite size, the black and blond hair, the black fingernails. Just orgnize it better. I didn’t like the way it was set up.
I’ll be reading more of your story—it’s already picqued my interest.
Buttons reviewed Version 1 -
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A good start. I like the fact that it’s a slightly psychological thrill we’re receiving at the moment. The description of the room they’re in is well done, and really adds to the atmosphere of the story.
Just 2 points I picked up on whilst reading;
illegible righting, should be writing
“suffocated the air of freshness” is a clumsy phrase. I understand what you’re trying to say but it could be written better as “the air was almost suffocating, devoid of any freshness” or something along those lines.
wise2owls reviewed Version 1 -
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“Entering the Threshold” is a pretty good beginning for a horror novel. You have suspence, a haunted insane asylum and two young people. This reader likes the description you give of the interior of the house. Having not read much horror on Urbis I can`t say whether it is the best or not. Good place to start your horror piece, thank you.
annana reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a good sense for engagement and drama, basic prerequisites for a storyteller. It is, generally, the technical things you need to develop. I will mention that “Teenagers enter a supposedly haunted building on a dare” is a very heavily used plot device. You’ll have to really work to make this interesting, and to introduce real suspense. Do what you can to inject a novel approach, and stay away from other “standard” props and plotlines.
One way to do that is by making characters a little less predicable. The cocky boy and the girlfriend who “will do anything” but has underlying uneasiness/fear is another very standard plotline. Maybe make her more plucky, more daring. Maybe make her really willing to do anything to make him happy. That can generate a certain level of courage, an ability to disregard moral forms that can make a character more individual. Instead of relying on the reader’s knowledge of the stereotypes, define how your characters are unique. This is always important in genre fiction, where standard plots are well known. Your female character seems a little goth-like, with black nails and colour-splotched hair. Use that as a basis for a more adventurous spirit.
Most of this section is action-based in a way that doesn’t reveal a lot about your characters, other than background data. You really need to address that. The physical description of the place satisfied me, but you could develop character by more attention to the actions of Ryan and Shelby, particularly expressions and gestures. Because Shelby is the POV character, Ryan is mostly a silhouette, and needs work.
KirstieRave reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this a lot. The beginning grabs the readers attention with the opening line. The story picks up from then on. The ending was good as well.
“Are you ready to explore?” thats a really good line. Nice one, its good stuff.
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