I can’t help it I think that particular four letter word was my first. Thank you.
Poetry / I Want It All
An old dilapidated bridge over a shady swimming hole.
The dirt road that leads you through bee hives and lazy gators.
That giant pecan tree surviving generations of my kin.
Those acres of Georgia land farmed by papas bare hands.
The dark swampy nights on the porch swatting flies.
Mostly I want that southern, self reliant, fuck it attitude.
Raised in California, I’m lost if there’s no Starbucks on every corner.
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drowsingmuse reviewed Version 1 -
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youngwriter92 reviewed Version 2 -
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It amused me I’m guessing that your from California as it says. I really really don’t like the cussing but i think otherwise that you did a good job on it.
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Caroline24 reviewed Version 2 -
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I like it. Very visual and good contrast in the last line with the Starbucks reference. Your punctuation is excellent, except for “papas.” I would capitalize it and punctuate like this: “Papa’s.” I would drop the beginning and end line punctuation altogether. Otherwise, good stuff!
MichelleAusman reviewed Version 1 -
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Nostalgic and powerful as hell. You welcome my input? Well, I welcome your crude pronunciations because it adds so much. A four letter word may raise a few eyebrows, but it also makes a person gasp for more. Loved it!
Monifa reviewed Version 1 -
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grammar aside, i think your poem has some great potential. especially for submission/publication. i suggest that you expand upon what you have thus far, e.g. talk about your family more, what it was like growing up in California (compared to living in Georgia). be specific about what you remember, the dilapidated bridge is great. remain concise and straight-forward, these are aspects of your poem that are enjoyable. i would really like to see the finished work.—thank you.
meltonbooks reviewed Version 2 -
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well lucky for you even in the south there are starbucks on every corner now. nice poem. enjoyed it.
wanderingeagle reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t really completely understand this poem, but it’s interesting how you juxtapose your feelings to the descriptions of nature, it makes a great way of drumming your last to sentences home to the reader. It also stands in contrast to the sweeping natural imagery that flows and creates a feeling of calmness, the ‘fuck you’ really makes you feel the attitude and mood of the poem, great stuff.
sadpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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That giant pecan tree surviving generations of my kin….Very noble and something that is lost in modern day America.
Those acres of Georgia land farmed by papas bare hands. Personally significant-brilliant thought of more than a complicated meaning!
Raised in California, I’m lost if there’s no Starbucks on every corner.
So, so true! I REALLY like the lines you’ve thrown down. I felt the visuals and imagery all the way through the piece. Although I usually ponder for changes, I can’t here. It is a perfect piece. Congratulations for a 10!
malyshka reviewed Version 2 -
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This is good, I would only change the look, not the content. This tells a very real story, and I love it. Take out the periods. You might want to emphasize the attitude a bit more. Try putting --fuck it-- dashes. This signals the reader to slow down and understand that this has weight. I relate to this poem very very much. Thanks for sharing
annana reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed the essence of this, the notion that the first six lines are fantasy, the last line revealing a yearning soul. It puts the title in context, and adds emotional depth.
On the down-side, lack of punctuation was irritating, and made me re-read sections where hyphenation was left out.
The lines themselves: evocative, calling up subtle imagery of the south, images that exist but are pared of conflict and modernity, to some degree, pared of reality in favour of ideals.
I liked the inherent sensuality of the images.
I think this has a lot of potential, but needs polish.
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