lol I’m glad you emjoyed it, This is actually a dream I had about a woman I’ve not yet met in the flesh.
Short Story / As yet Untitled
I dreamt of you last night. This was, I must admit the second dream in which I’ve seen you, but this one was different than the first dream; then you were a passing face, but this time… this time the entire night was dedicated entirely to you…
Strange isn’t it? Considering I haven’t seen you in so very long, that I should have memorized all the minute details of your face. Anyway, the dream- I had become a Vagrant, I’m not sure how, but I got the feeling that it was, for the most part by my own choice. I kept with me a small duffle with an extra shirt and pair of pants, and always one or two army surplus MRE’s. (meals ready to eat) Shiftlessly drifting from city to city always managing to find some way to ensure at least a shower and hot meal at a local truck stop, if I was lucky even a room for the night at a cheap motel. Eventually, however, I wandered into your corner of the country and one night whilst meandering along the side walks of a downtown area, my eyes soaking up the brightly lit signs, I ran into you, outside a club of some sort- fetish perhaps? I turned to apologize while you turned to berate, but recognizing me you ignored my worn clothing, bedraggled hair, and the scent of the train I’d hopped off that afternoon, and you embraced me- as an old friend who had come for a visit. You took me to your appartment talking of all that had gone on in your life during my absence from the world. I showered and slept on your couch that night amazed by your kindness and grace. I watched the sun rise over the historical monuments and brand new high rises alike, and got my old duffle ready for another bums rush as the light dawned over the city, but you stunned me again when you wandered out of your bedroom smiling and and asking me how I liked my tea. I think I may have even smiled back as I answered that I didn’t remember, as it had been so long since last such a thing had passed my lips. Your laughter was infectious as it eased my embarassment at such an admisison and we both chuckled a bit as you replied, ” Well, then we’ll just have to find out again won’t we?!”
I believe that was the point in the dream I let myself begin to like you. Now unwilling to leave behind this wonderfully new old friend and the feeling of belonging I’d been searching for for so long, I began the search fo an appartment of my own. It was quite the struggle, but you were genereally patient and hugely helpful and eventually we found one. It was even within walking distance of yours. We spent so much time together. As you helped with the job search and my re-entry into civilized society, and remembering my passion of long ago, you set up an audition for me with a nearby theatre troupe. The audition went well, and I got a part in the resident company. It was a paying gig, though not so well attended as to genrate fully enough income to live on, but I worked days at the coffee shop down the street and was happy. Seasons came and went- you never missed a show, bringing with you a wealth of friends. We grew more and more close, until eventually you were a regular backstage at rehearsals and in my dressing room. Helping me with lines and costumes -you said it helped you relax.
One night just before the final scene of a dress rehearsal for the latest production, you were helping me back stage with some minute final costume adjustments, just offstage. As I heard my cue approaching suddenly my mind went blank and without thought or even awareness of what I was doing I stole a kiss from you and then hit my cue. It wasn’t until halfway through the scene I realized what I’d done, and nearly blew the lines I was so distraught. As the curtain fell, I fell in for notes with the other actors and then as the rest fo the cast dispursed to the dressing rooms, I ran for my hiding spot above the front doors of the massive auditioruim, the second floor was rarely used, and next to the door from the staris just on the right there was a small alcove with bench. I fled there berating myself the entire time. I’d forgotten I’d shown you that place. I fell asleep on the bench there and still through my mind tumbled terrible visions of what your reaction would be. Then from the chaotic whirl of nightmares I was awakened by the sweetest, most gently loving and accepting kiss I had ever experienced. I put my arms around you as you held me there tears of joy making my vision swim. I went home that night with my ears ringing and my heart singing from your goodnight kiss, and visions of tomorrow filling me with such unimaginable joy. The next morning, bright and early you walked me to the coffee shop where while I preped the the baked goods and esspresso beans for the morning rush we eager made plans for opening night. We spent every moment we could together over the next few months and still- you never missed a show.
Winter came, and we spent thanksgiving with you family and christmas with mine. It took both of our parents some time, but eventually they got used to the idea of you and I.
We finally began living together when summer came again, time seemed to lazily flow by, and every moment was savored together.
One evening cuddled in the back of a taxi on the way home from a sucessfull show, I slowly took your hand in mine and slipped over your finger the ring that I had made during my years of wandering alone. “Would you, ” I asked looking deeply into your eyes hoping and fearing what I might see there,” please consider, making me your only… forever?” and I held my breath as you smiled mischieveously and replied, “If I don’t who ever will you find to make your Chai with milk and balance it with Earl Grey?” and you kissed me then, long and slow with passion and joy.
I then I woke. Odd that you can seem to live so many long years in single night, a single dream. So I sit here at my computer fingers keeping the keys continually worn, still dreaming as you stealthily walk into the room and put you hand on my shoulder, trying to see what I’ve written. It’s a game we play, but you never really look, because you know when it’s done you will always be the first to see it. You kiss the top of my head as you lay the cup of chai tea down next to the monitor, and glide back into the bedroom. Well, her it is- I love you beautiful, happy anniversary.
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crh86 reviewed Version 4 -
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I really enjoyed reading this, I found it mysterious, romantic and compelling. The beginning and end didn’t match up though, unless I missed something. It starts with “I haven’t seen you in so very long..” and its only the second dream in which the narrator has seen the other person, whereas by the end it seems they are married. (If they are married I would expect the beloved to be in a dream more than once or twice). I like that the whole story is the dream, but it made me expect the reality to be very different. I think you could do a lot of different things with the ending, I would play around with different options of togetherness vs. not togetherness. Or waking up vs. not waking up. You could end it with uncertainty about if the narrator is still dreaming. Something like “I don’t want to wake up, I refuse to wake up”.
I really like how the gender of the characters is unspecific throughout.
I have a lot of simple grammatical feedback to follow:
Comma after “I must admit.”
Entire night was dedicated entirely to you (“entire” used twice, find replacement).
Strange (insert comma), isn’t it?
I wouldn’t capitalize “Vagrant” unless you are telling an allegorical story, which I don’t think you are.
Comma after “for the most part”, but I would consider leaving it out or changing it to “mostly by my own choice” as you have a lot of little phrases in that sentence.
“…one or two army surplus Meals Ready to Eat, MRE’s.” The way it is written now, it feels like an informational aside to the reader, and is a little distracting.
“Shiftlessly drifting from city to city, always” (add comma after city)
Shiftlessly drifting from city to city, I (insert “I”- subject for sentence) always managed to find some way to ensure (insure rather than ensure, I think, not positive. I think “obtain” would be better) at least a shower and hot meal at a local truck stop, and if I was lucky, even a room for the night at a cheap motel.
Eventually, however, I wandered into your corner of the country. (add period here, start new sentence with One night…”) I would consider taking out either “wandering” or “meandering”, feels like overkill.
Fetish, perhaps? (add comma). Having read the whole story, I don’t think fetish adds to it.
“Scent of the train I’d hopped of that afternoon..” I like this idea, but scent isn’t evocative enough without an adjective, how about “metallic scent” or “oily scent” or something like that?
You took me to your apartment, (add comma) talking of…
“slept on your couch that night. (add comma)…”
“Well, then we’ll just have to find out again, won’t we?” I would use just a single question mark here. Also, note that your beginning quotation mark isn’t attached to the “W” in “Well,” (just a typo)
“I believe that was the point in the dream that I let myself begin to like you.” This sentence is a little awkward, maybe because of “I believe”. How about “At that point in the dream, I let myself begin to like you.”
Add comma after “Now, unwilling…”
“wonderfully new, old friend” add comma after new, but putting new and old directly together isn’t quite working for me, maybe “rekindled friendship”? Also, you have “…searching for for so long, I began the search..”
If you want to keep “searching for, for so long, “ add a comma between the fors, but you are using search twice in the same sentence, I would find a different word.
“Hugely helpful” sounds too informal for this story, like it belongs in a thank you card.
If you want to make it feel like a dream, consider taking out some of the logistical details, such as the job search, apartment search, etc. You could have it read. “Then somehow, I was performing in a theater troupe..”
I like ending the paragraph with “you said it helped you relax”
Add comma after “One night, just..”
Also, “As I heard my cue approaching. (comma) my mind went blank, (comma) and without thought or awareness of what I was doing, (comma)…”
It wasn’t until halfway through the scene I realized what I’d done, and I (add “I) nearly blew the lines, (comma) I was so distraught.
“As the curtain fell, I fell in for notes with the other actors and then as the rest fo the cast dispursed to the dressing rooms, I ran for my hiding spot above the front doors of the massive auditioruim, the second floor was rarely used, and next to the door from the staris just on the right there was a small alcove with bench.” This sentence is too long, would be better chopped into two or even three. It starts with “As the curtain fell..” but then most of the action happens after that, so you could either start it differently or make that first sentence only about what occurred just as the curtain fell. (Also typos in this sentence).
“I fled there, berating myself…” (add comma)
“I’d forgotten that I had shown you that place.” Stretch this out to make it clearer.
“I fell asleep on the bench there, (add comma)…”
“I put my arms around you, and as you held me there, tears of joy made my vision swim” ( add commas).
Period after coffee shop. Start next sentence with “while I prepped..” then add comma after “morning rush,”
“…spent thanksgiving with you family and christmas with mine” Capitalize Thanksgiving and Christmas, and change “you” to “your”.
I think it should be “the idea of you and me”. I like how that paragraph ends.
“We finally began living together when summer came again. (end sentence here) Time seemed to lazily flow by, and every moment was savored together.” “Was savored” seems too passive voice, maybe “we savored every moment together.”
“One evening (add comma) cuddled in the back of a taxi on the way home from a sucessfull (spelling) show, I slowly took your hand in mine and slipped over your finger the ring that I had made during my years of wandering alone. “Would you, ” I asked looking deeply into your eyes hoping and fearing what I might see there,” (fix quotation mark attached to wrong part of sentence) please consider, making me your only… forever?” and I held my breath (end sentence here). You smiled mischieveously (spelling) and replied, “If I don’t, (add comma) who will you ever find (move the word ever) to make your Chai with milk and balance it with Earl Grey?” and you kissed me then, long and slow with passion and joy.” This last kiss loses me a little, maybe it’s too generic? Actually I think it’s the “long and slow”, the reader starts to feel like an outsider, or “passion and joy” feels too ordinary. I would find a more unique way to describe the kiss.
“I then I woke. (probably you meant “then I woke”) Odd that you can seem to live so many long years in single night, a single dream. (I like this line a lot). So I sit here at my computer (add comma) fingers keeping the keys continually worn, still dreaming as you stealthily walk into the room and put you hand on my shoulder, trying to see what I’ve written. It’s a game we play, but you never really look, because you know when it’s done you will always be the first to see it. You kiss the top of my head as you lay the cup of chai tea down next to the monitor, and glide back into the bedroom. Well, her (here) it is- I love you, (add comma) beautiful, (consider a period or another dash here) happy anniversary.
I liked this, it was different and dreamy, I would keep playing around with it and have some fun.
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avedis reviewed Version 4 -
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The concept is good, but not fully taken advantage of – at the end, give the dream more power by relating it to how you are now always with her in real life.
Make that ending stronger.
Apart from that, one other general criticism.
For a dream, this is far too sequential, slow moving and detailed – it is more like a consciously driven day dream.
Fair enough, your story, your choice.
However, if you were to remark on this in the story it would make it easier for us to accept (“entire night dedicated” is not sufficient for what I am asking).
Now for a more detailed bit of nit-picking:
The first paragraph is rough, which does not help draw us in. Sorry for the re-write, just a suggestion:
“I dreamt of you last night for a second time. This one was, however, different to the first dream; then you were a passing face, but this time… this time the entire night was dedicated entirely to you…”
“Considering I haven’t seen you in so very long”, not only needs a “Considering that”, but also is a deliberate and complete lie – discovered with your ending. Lying at the start to surpise at the end is not often a good tool, to make it work requires a more subtle misdirection.
“I had become a Vagrant”. In the context of this dream, a supposition about the past is weak, best kept for a “true story” – just “I was a vagrant” is far better.
“I kept with me a small duffle” is doing that again – just “I had with me…”
You keep doing this throughout the story, I’d really suggest altering those bits (I won’t waste your credits listing them all). Don’t keep making us question “is it a dream or a detailed story?” for no reason.
“I ran into you” – “I literally ran into you” would work better in this context.
“my absence from the world” – THE world or HER world? You would need to explain the former.
“another bums rush”. Any reason for such a crude phrase in a story of this type (and a phrase which usually applies to someone giving it to someone else forcibly)?
Incidentally, outside of the US, this is an even cruder phrase. Keep to the mood of the story.
“but you stunned me again”. By asking about tea? Explain in the story!
“was the point in the dream I let myself” – change of tense, “that I would let…”
“I began the search for an apartment ” You were just about to share tea, now you are outside and away from her. Lead us into this or remark that that is what happens in dreams, making a point of the change. Also explain or remark on how a vagrant has money for this (deposit etc) – emphasising its a dream or continuing the realist nature of your dream. e.g. “In the dream, money was no issue”... Use chances like this to remind us it’s a dream.
“genrate fully enough income” clumsy, just “generate enough” is better.
“We grew more and more close” again, clumsy and cold. “We grew closer, a deep bond growing…” or similar would be better.
“As I heard my cue..hit my cue” This sentence needs punctuation, and avoid the repetition of “cue”.
“blew the lines I was so ” – “blew the lines because I was so “
“As the curtain fell,...” This is a huge rambling sentence mixing concepts without separating them – tighten it up.
“I fled there berating myself..you that place.” Berating because you had shown it to her? That is how this sentence reads.
From here on, the quality of your writing drops significantly – as though you rushed to finish and get it on Urbis. You’ve shown earlier in the story you can do better – so get editing and keep that quality consistent.
I’ll repeat, the ending has potential but is weak as it stands.
jhmckeogh reviewed Version 4 -
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There are a few typos and dropped words… if you print out your piece and read it out loud with a pen in hand, the errors will jump out at you.
There are so many beautiful images in this piece, i was a little upset when they were clouded with unneeded words. Take the first sentence, it could easily be condensed to
I dreamt the second dream of you, this time so much more than a passing face. This time, the entire night was dedicated to you.
Obviously this was thrown together really quickly and clumbsily, but you get the gist. Theres a lot of spots where you can condence your thoughts, and they will be stronger for the effort. I don’t like giving ideas for titles, but for god’s sake don’t call it “for our anniversery.” i liked taht ending vignette a lot.
james
munk322 reviewed Version 3 -
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First of all, apologies for not reviewing this sooner; you requested it a while back and I’ve had a lot going on. Well done on the dream aspect. It really made me wish I could have a dream about a life with someone I find special in my life right now, so this story definitely has an audience it will move deeply. I could easily relate to the bit when you kissed your friend and were terrified you’d made a huge mistake. I really love the simplicity of the proposal in the taxi; it emanates more romance than a lot of things I’ve seen or read without an ounce of melodrama. Nicely done. The only thing I would like to see clarified is gender. It may not really be necessary, but it as the reader it leaves me curious. Man and woman? Woman and woman? Two men? If the affair was same sex, it would really add more tension and fear to the moments after that first stolen kiss. Very nice work overall. I’m envious :)
ames_plaza reviewed Version 4 -
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I think this is a really good premise for a story, the beginning was fabulous in your descriptions of being a vagrant. i think you should elaborate a lot more. Describe his face. Describe eveyrthing. Decribe the show you were in. Describe the costumes. I’m a sucker for description. Let your readers see what’s going on, don’t just tell them about it. You need to be able to create a mental picture in their minds.
I found several things you could fix throughout the story, some minor (typos) some slightly bigger (places to start new paragraphs and places that need elaboration.)
“face. Anyway, the dream” This seems awkward. and i would make the first sentence in this paragraph stand alone. Make “the dream” start it’s own paragraph. or perhaps just use the dream as the story, take out the “intro” paragraph at the beginning, i think the dream itself is a great story, you don’t need to introduce it as such.
“motel. Eventually” start a new paragrah here, you’re starting a new thought.
“smiled back as I answered that I didn’t” this is a bit awkward sounding. come up with an answer. it’s fiction, you can add to it. use your dream as inspiration to build off of, you don’t have to stick to it completely.
“search fo an ” of
“yours. We spent so much time together” begin a new paragraph here. seperate these ideas.
elaborate on the audition. i’d like to hear about it, you could make it really interesting.
“happy. Seasons came and went” new paragraph.
“rest fo the cast ” of
“the staris just ” stairs
“with bench” i believe you forgot the word “a” here.
“making my vision ” put a comma after making.
“unimaginable joy. The next morning” new paragraph here.
<3 ames plaza
TDavino reviewed Version 3 -
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4th and 5th sentence repeats the word wandering, which I found distracting. Otherwise, there are numerous spelling errors, but those are easily cleaned up. I like this version much more. It’s more complete, and has a sense of purpose. It feels somewhat rushed, though, out of breath at times. I know that there’s a pretty large time frame being related (through the vehicle of the dream), but I’d like the pace to relax a bit. Otherwise, the emotions are well- conveyed and the narrator’s longing and fear of rejection isn’t too trite.
LexiLane reviewed Version 3 -
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-The way you wrote it, talking to someone like that, made me feel like the character was talking to me. Which was interesting. In a good way.
-I wonder if this is a dream you actually had? Or is this simply a story you’re working on?
-I can’t say that I have any real criticism or anything. You write well, and I enjoyed your style.
-Also, I was able (as I’m sure most will be able to) to relate to something in the very end, when you say it is strange how you can live so many years, go through so many experiences, in one night, in such a short amount of time. I’d never really thought of it that way, but it is so very true.
-Nice job overall. :)
IndyWalsh reviewed Version 3 -
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‘Strange isn’t it considering I haven’t seen you in so very long..’
QUESTION MARK NEEDED
[Strange isn’t it? Considering I haven’t seen you in so very long.]
enought = enough
The way you’ve written this makes it hard to read. The way you’ve centered it around your reader to make them feel included, although a good thought—is very confusing. There are other ways to include your reader without doing it so obviously.
Shiftlessly isn’t a word.
“Shiftlessly drifting from city to city always scrounging just enought for a hot meal and a shower at some truck stop.”—There’s no object in that sentence.
side walks is one word.
appartment = apartment
sunrise, again, one word.
admisison = admission
“I’d been searching for for so long..” repetitive use of word ‘for’
genrate = generate
duspursed = dispersed
“Odd that you can seem to live so many long years in single night, a single dream.”—Should be:
[IT IS odd that you can seem to live so many long years in single night, a single dream.]
RhapsodyRead reviewed Version 3 -
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A very sad story. I had trouble determining the gender of the speaker. This may have been your intention, but it made it difficult for me to accept the relationship as ‘real’. The ring and proposal at the end of the story make the speaker seem male, but all his/her actions leading up to that point felt more feminine to me.
VacuolateTuna reviewed Version 3 -
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I love the irony of the narrator finding their friend outside a fetish club in their dream, even though their relationship seems so pure and naive… I also really like how you depicted the relationship as close but tentative, as the the narrator is afraid of what would happen if it was anything more than a friendship. I wonder why he/she hasn’t seen their friend in so long? I’d read the sequel!
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