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Poetry / Choices (Analysis)
She can’t escape from you:
when she’s awake
you creep deep into her thoughts and make her weep,
and it’s for you her heart aches
when she’s asleep.
She imagines “what if…”
what if she gives it a try?
what if she does it…but what if she cries?
what if she gives up on how far she’s come?
what if she gets hurt?
what if it’s fun?
She overanalyzes about what could have gone wrong;
was it that sunny day at the park?
or was it that foggy evening on the boardwalk?
could it have been when you made that remark?
maybe it was when they had that “talk”.
She wants to understand what she’s feeling,
because if what she wants is
so wrong,
then why does it feel
so right?
She wants to be understood,
but if she can’t do it herself,
who might?
Her mind is always somewhere else,
in the clouds,
in fading memories,
when through the crowds
you were all she could see.
She wants someone to care,
but who would dare
to sit and stare
as she shares
her innermost prayer.
She needs peace from the whirlwind
that twirls her around until she can’t even
stand on the ground
without you.
She cherishes every moment she spends with you,
at the park,
on the boardwalk,
in the dark,
around the block.
Her love is so strong it’s ready to burst,
but just when she’s about to
take action,
you leave her with a thirst.
She must swallow her passion,
staying,
waiting,
deflating,
slowly decaying.
She needs to be honest with herself,
and admit that wherever you touch her,
if only a brush,
her skin burns,
and her bones are crushed.
She knows what to do,
it’s going to take all her pride,
but it’s all for you…
and she is terrified.
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Elven_Vampiress reviewed Version 1 -
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A very interesting piece you’ve got here. The use of imagery in the verses is very good but a loved the use of line placement to give the reader a visual image the whirlwind the object is experiencing. An excellent piece, all around, with exception of one or two typos. Great work!
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CiannaSkye reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. Well, this is definitely unique. You have made a clever and sarcastic twist on the typical “girl falls madly for boy” romantic sob story. I love how only the girl’s point of view is shown; it’s an effective way of exposing just how one-sided such an obsession is. I also love the second-person narrative. It puts the reader in the unaccustomed – and uncomfortable – position of being the one who does the rejecting. I also love the typesetting (or whatever the technical term for it is). There is much that can be analyzed about it. Does it show that her thoughts may be logically linear but really go nowhere? Does the jagged edges represent the mental hell she is going through? The only thing I would correct is the word “they” at the end of the third stanza. Since I am assuming that you are referring to the girl and “you,” it should be “you” (as in the second person plural).
Overall, great use of the rarely seen second-person narrative. It reminds me of Lorrie Moore’s “How.”
l13dj13 reviewed Version 2 -
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it is a really lovely poem, deep and heart felt, i really like the typography… the feelings build up with the peom that way.
just one thing though, “and it won’t let her sleep; it’s so bright
that it’s making her blind.”
i feel that you could take the “it’s so bright” down to the next stanza…it would read easier like that.
it is really up to you though, i know peoms are written with feeling and it you cant always cater to a readers whims…
i still love the poem though
thank you
xl13dj13x
dtraci32 reviewed Version 2 -
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Once again, I was very interested to read this. This part I really enjoyed b/c I can sort of relate to it. NICE WORK! =)
She must swallow her passion,
patiently
waiting,
slowly
decaying.
She needs to be honest with herself,
and admit that wherever you touch her,
if only a brush,
her skin burns,
and her bones are crushed.
She knows what to do,
it’s going to take all her pride,
but it’s all for you…
and she is terrified
pixikris91 reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this poem. it relates very well to some of my past experiences and makes me the slightest bit sad to the think of that part of my life. I liked the emotion of the whole poem the lost confusion the overstimulated analysis of every aspect of life ..
Thunderwalker reviewed Version 2 -
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This is the best piece I’ver read in here since joining. I love it…it’s powerful, and it isn’t cliche’, and I can feel the depth and the despair of just trying to hold on. I love it. Bravo!
Griot reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very universal. I’ve known women like this. you can play with this poem. turn it dark and stalkerish… (not a word / I like it)... or make it a resolution of freedom… or a diary entryish (again) kind of poem. I could feel this person. S12 is award winning (well if I was the judge). I like how it thins as out as it closes. this is nudity. thank you.
DaGitTamer reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this piece & the way you combine small sentences & the larger sententences. Its very lyrical & a great way to portray a broken heart
IdeeFixe09 reviewed Version 2 -
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“you’re reaction to this attraction”
Your.
Other than that I see nothing wrong. It’s easy to relate to, it’s deep and personal, you can see it, and your grammar is quite good. I say good job with this.
bigstef211177 reviewed Version 2 -
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i like the in depth thoughts at the beging it was a great start to a wonderful pooem
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