Poetry / The Forever Song

Music can be wonderfully intertwined with other fun things, just as you’ve done in your poem.  I think that your poem has wonderful energy and motion throughout.  The reader almost expects rhyme, because of the subject matter but never-the-less it’s effective with prose.  I thought the periodic alliteration was a nice touch, and it helped to establish a rhythm throughout your poem.  Very nice:)

its short and to the point. it could be expanded upon, feelings could be explored and then taken right up to the climax.

First thing I noticed, the title “The Forever Song” would make the poem even better if you used it in the first line as opposed to “Play that eternal song with me” “eternal” is an overused word, and its kinda dried up over time. I forget the word for it, but the thing you did with the Q’s and the H’s and the P’s worked very well! It gives your poem a very BOOM feeling. I love how you break the syllable count of the first lines in the fourth stanza. “Beat those drums” the succinct quality of those words goes well with the idea of beating a drum. The last stanza, with the sweat and the writhing was great! The sensuality is amazing, it makes me want to get up and dance crazy with total strangers! “Lasts forever in just one night”, Man thats a great line, it reminds me of prom… ahhh the nostalgia…

I truly enjoyed your poem, keep it up!

All around epic man. You just described sex in a non-vulgar way. You’re my hero. I like the way you made it music. ^^
And also the “Play that eternal song with me” makes it powerful and romantic rather than just a lustful daydream. It seems real and deep. I approve.

that lasts forever
in just one night.
- I loved the entire poem except for these two lines.  I don’t know why, but they just struck a wrong note in the beautiful symphany of this piece.  It is raw, and yet refined.  Hard and sassy and sexy.  Loved it.  Maybe: that wraps forever/ into just one night.  

Your imagery is fantastic. I think that your problem is that you need to
lengthen your lines and put more clarity into what your speaking about.

-laurel

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June 28, 2008

by metaphoricalsimile

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29	M	Portland, OR	August 21

Why would making the lines longer make it a better poem?

I felt that the subject of this poem is pretty clear, what makes you think it isn’t?

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I really liked the overall musical metaphor for physical love. The combination is interesting and helps create a very sensual tone.
You word choice is good, with combinations such as
“quivering with quickening” and “sweat slicked skin”. The alliteration helps to extend the musical metaphor by being musical in itself.
The form is also nice, starting with one line, then three sets of two, then five. The last five line stanza seems to drag out, but that makes sense since you are then talking of “lasting forever”. Again, you have form matching content.
Wondering if “eternal Song” should have been “Eternal Song”? The capitalization of Song does add importance to the word, but “eternal” before it already gives it lots of emphasis. The capitalization seems a bit contrived and distracting amid content that is already so well written. Loved it! (:

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June 27, 2008

by metaphoricalsimile

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29	M	Portland, OR	August 21

I’m glad you noticed the alliteration, I was rather proud of it, but few people seemed to see it :)  Thanks for the comment about the capital letter, I’m not sure if it was even intentional, and I usually dislike devices used in poetry that cannot be pronounced when read aloud.

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Very interisting though it was a bit difficult to read this complete and through.though keep it up. you have a very unique talent.I look forward to reading more.

It shouts, let’s have sex! No, no! Only if one chops this piece at the knees, and that’s no kind of thing to do to such a lovely thing. I must say, I really enjoyed the use of intangible sound to describe such a physical act. It drew me in fast and kept a subject, so often written about, very fresh for me. There are some really great lines in this, particularly lines 3 and 4 and 7,8. Something didn’t sit right with me though in the way you wrapped this piece up, it felt like it was owed more than “in just one night.” I’m not sure, maybe it’s just me…but that’s the only line in this that didn’t work for me.  

I like that it’s about being with someone alone, almost as if for an eternity.  You may have meant to have the poem with not a lot of imagery but I think maybe a little bit could make it better, but then again I am a person who enjoys imagery.  The poem, nonetheless, is still a great work.

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June 26, 2008

by metaphoricalsimile

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How do you mean the poem doesn’t have a lot of imagery?  The entire basis is a sex-as-music metaphor, with the imagery of bodies as instrmentation supporting that metaphor.

June 26, 2008

by one2three

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16	F	United States	July 02

you’re right, i apologize.. i commented after only reading it once, and it was a fast read.. there is imagery in it and i love it

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