Poetry / The suicide of Sean (Analysis)

The colloquial aspects of this composition make it very real and relatable, yet there are some verb/subject/tense agreement issues. Review verb usage. Also, the beginning of the poem seems very loosely related to the rest of it. The connection is unclear.

It seems like you are simultaneously speaking for Sean and for yourself.  Sean killed himself because no one was listening.  You’re angry because still no one is listening (to your grief).
“Now you speak? -then I lay cold -”  It’s like you are becoming Sean, dead like him.
I’m not interested in correcting any of your words.  It flows like you wrote it.
It’s spontaneous.  The alternating placement of lines in the poem reinforces the idea that it’s not just one person speaking, and yet it is you speaking, and sometimes you are speaking for him.
Very effective reaction to a suicide.  It’s different.

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July 02, 2008

by jazzmussax

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28			October 08

thank you are the only person to see it like that. honestly i wrote it like that but i sometime dont want to see like that. thanks for getting it!

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There were a few pronunciation problems like “And those fucking voice are getting louder.” I thinkn it should have been “voices.” Otherwise I think you portrayed rage beautifully in this work.

Woah – I felt as if my mind was rushing when I was reading this. I love the random-looking form, it definitely gives it the sense of a person dealing with suicide. I don’t really have anything bad to say…I loved it. =]

This poem has the potential to be very powerful. But I think you might need to do some tweaking first.

Grammar-was it intentional. If so, fine, go with it if you feel you must (although I think you should think seriously for your reasons…make sure they are valid). If it wasn’t, fix it. Sometimes it can be hard to feel emotion and power when the words are sour as milk.

Language-fuck and shit and other such swears, can be very powerful and shocking words. When used properly. They are often abused and used for the wrong reasons. If your motives were to shock people with your foul language…try a different approach. Shock people by creating power, anger and emotion WITHOUT them.

Form-see if you can use line placement to emphasize the theme. You have someone building to an explosion of emotions. They are seriously whirling to the edge and then going over it. Right now, your words jump around…which show a confusion, but not necessarily let me feel that someone is spinning out of control.

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June 25, 2008

by jazzmussax

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28			October 08

thank you so much

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This reader assumes that Sean is dead and his/her body is talking to us.  Is he/she on the autopsy table here, is that why it is so cold under his body? Quite powerful the anger that this person has.  He describes how ticked off he/she is that no one is listening.  A little too graphic for me but it gets the point across.  Thank you.

I think the language is a bit intense but I suppose it just adds to the emotions the poem is dealing with.
I absoloutly love the layout it keeps the reader engaged because they have to concentrate where to look next.
I see this an emotional outlet that we all have to go through, but if it isn’t then you have a way with words that dig up emotions you don’t feel on a daily basis, which is a talent.
Chloé

O.K. Ummm… maybe this is just my opinion but it has a whole lot of swears in it for a piece of poetry. But that’s just me. If you want to make it in a magazine I suggest you write a piece that doesn’t have a rude cuss word in every other sentence. But I suppose it’s good.
It is a different style of poetry from what I can see. I enjoyed a lot of it: For the most part you could picture what is going on and I think you did a good job portraying everything.
You had a good format: all the events leading up to Sean’s suicide. As the poem goes on you could feel the raw anger that he is feeling. The thing I like best was you picked a dramatic note for the ending. You may have a future in this!

I like the way that this poem is structured, the reader really gets a sense of claustrophia from the feelings that are discussed. It becomes suffocating because of not being heard, or even ‘screaming’ and this still not producing any effect or achieving anything. maybe more use of imagery and exploration with language to delve further into the subject matter.