The verdict is in and the voter agree with you. I need to smooth it out.
Poetry / Forgive Myself (Analysis)
Evening lingers, interlude,
lonely longing over you.
Darkness covers night’s castaways
lurking in my favorite place.
A single image repeats again
and burns it’s pattern on my brain,
and burns my heart to beat refrain
and takes my breath to think my pain.
Morning beckons, I have not rest.
Turmoil and bitterness in my nest.
Miles away my other half
but inches to spare on our broken raft
that drifts through time, sails at half mast.
The speed of life that passes by
does waste my tears I will not cry.
My promises are left for dead.
My truths are twisted in my head.
Tenderness, desire, and danger
Frustration, revenge, and vivid anger.
Forgive myself my long lost child
the moments when I must run wild.
The highest of myself does weep
and prays my tortured soul to sleep.
MAKS~ 1/29/08
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GoddessOfNight reviewed Version 1 -
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Ninjagoalie reviewed Version 1 -
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jazzmussax reviewed Version 1 -
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Charisma reviewed Version 1 -
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This started off alright, but soon devolved into cliche-land.
Here’s a short list of cliche words and phrases:
NO:
lonely
darkness
burns
lost child
ESPECIALLY NO:
tears
tortured soul
Never, never never write tortured soul again. This is the most cliche cliche ever. Baby goths have called and want their words back. What are you REALLY trying to say with this poem? Deconstruct it, and try to use a fresh metaphor to make the reader see your point of view.
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bear4 reviewed Version 1 -
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There are some great moments in this poem. I especially liked the lines about forgiving the long lost child and your favorite place.
If this work does suffer from a fatal flaw I’d say that it is the wavering cadence which really pulled me out. I’ve tried reading it several times now as well as aloud and I’m still left with a herky-jerky feel.
wesguptill reviewed Version 1 -
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vickiebellew reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautifully written. Flows easy with smooth rhythm. I liked this piece very much. Great job!!
Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
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Powerful. You’ve instilled some intense emotions. There are a few words that broke my flow and made me reread the line or think about what you meant, like “A single image repeats again
and burns it’s pattern on my brain,
and burns my heart to beat refrain
and takes my breath to think my pain.”
I see how you enjoyed stringing them together, but does it fit the meaning? Perhaps tighten it up a bit so you still deliver your message AND so we’re able to follow. Overall it is a beautiful piece :)
me4getful reviewed Version 1 -
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WOW!That made me cry!I have some of those same feelings-how weird is that?TY!
Sweettouch reviewed Version 1 -
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The ideas conveyed are crisp and clear. My only tripping point int he aloud reading was the “darkenss covers night’s castaways” this line seems a bit awkward. The use of “burn” more than once so closely could be remedied with use of “fire” the second time. Other than that the poem flows quite beautifully.
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