Thank You and that is exactly the picture I wished to portray – someone not only dispising out pity but begrudgingly accepting help – a person both inside and out. Thank you for understanding!
Poetry / Abandoned Survivor (Analysis)
There she triumphs on a cold park bench,
a soldier of trial surmounting in slumber
Her transfigured expression depicts deprivation.
Her wrinkled face so weathered and beaten.
Lines deeply edged with crinkled worry.
Hair stringy straight, a mass of fury.
Windblown havoc and immutable grey.
Living enshrined in desperate seeking.
Mismatched clothing nothing is new.
All newspaper yellow and soiled blue.
No mind for the day just overcast longing.
lives she within never belonging.
Critically ponder the abandoned survivor
Collecting her dinner from alleyway dumpsters.
Never to seek proletarian compassion.
Blue depth sink in a decaying fashion.
Tormented thoughts of losing all.
All being nothing to another’s eyes,
but all being sacred to likened cries.
Finding pleasure in discarded crusts.
Rotten fruit and a half eaten danish,
enough to thwart, the aching to banish.
This the life of the abandoned survivor.
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jazzmussax reviewed Version 1 -
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sad… this is truly a deep one wish i could read the orginal one thank you
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TheDisturbedOne reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it alot, id love to see the full version you made
It seems to me as if the stanzas are actually cut short now..
You might want to expand maybe a line or two to each stanza
trader reviewed Version 1 -
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A very direct and accurate description of the homeless I see on the city streets of New York. Very well written.
dpak reviewed Version 1 -
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A powerful piece that conjures up the image of the homeless person, in some ways reminiscent of Ralph McTell’s “Streets of London.” You do an excellent job of creating the imagery of a person battered by the harshness of life yet still surviving and not quite giving up. It is this mixture of hope and hopelessness that makes the poem to powerful. It is hard to see how the poem can be improved upon.
wesguptill reviewed Version 1 -
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Very moving, very powerful stuff here. The imagery that the wording evokes is pinpoint perfect. The life of street people is a life shrouded in shadow and pain, and your peom has brought out the depths of that. It is a sad one, but the strength of the work underscores its beauty. Bravo!
wise2owls reviewed Version 1 -
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This lady is the epitome of the homeless in this country. She doesn`t want to be beholding to anyone. ”Abandoned Survivor” is someone who is an individual, brava. The description of this woman is heroic in a way. An out-of-luck survivor of many years. This reader thank you for making her more aware of the homeless in her region.
l13dj13 reviewed Version 1 -
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absolutely amazing, i cannot find anything that i dont like so ill just point out the things that i really liked…
1. i loved the way you compared her to a soldier… like fighting to stay alive…
2. the way the color blue pops up twice (not sure if you ment it too) but it gives me the feeling of the cold (blue lips) and feeling down… i liked it alot.
thankyou very much for this one
xl13dj13x
TwinAce32 reviewed Version 1 -
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Some of your lines are very good and paint solid pictures with good description and concrete sense nouns and adjectives. For example,
Lines deeply edged with crinkled worry.
Hair stringy straight, a mass of fury.
I find these two lines to be good. You might want to make it more like active voice however and say stringy straight hair.
Your use of alliteration is a bit too much at times like in line two with three s’s.
Finding pleasure in discarded crusts.
Thats a good line. Discarded crusts is good concrete sense imagery. Try to avoid abstract nouns as much as possible.
sweetcreativity reviewed Version 1 -
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The describing words you’ve chosen to use for this piece are nearly perfect as the grunge feeling comes through very clearly (I almost feel as dirty as she).
A couple things, however. For one, I have almost -always- found rhyming poetry to be distracting because I believe it makes a wonderful piece feel forced and broken. I think a lot of the depth is lost within the rhyme. Also, the line breaks might be reconsidered to encompass an entire thought.
For example:
“There she triumphs on a cold park bench,
a soldier of trial surmounting in slumber
Her transfigured expression depicts deprivation.
Her wrinkled face so weathered and beaten.”
This could be left as a single brick and not lose any meaning or pause or what have you due to punctuation.
All in all a wonderful piece, though.
Enjoy!
-Melissa
CloClo reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautiful.
I love your use of vocabulary.
I can’t see any problems with this work at all.
I also like the short stanza’s it keeps the poem moving along.
It’s brilliant.
Chloé
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