Thank you very much! I hope you review the future chapters as well. I’ll upload Chapter 2 after I get more credits so I can unlock your reviews :)
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Shadow of Chea'Laern: Chapter 1 - Dreamscape
A century has passed since the birth of the combined rule of the Hosttowers of Nimbdell in the west and the southern kingdom, Chea’Laern, over the central continent.
The wise rulers of both Nimbdell and Chea’Laern cleverly disguised the tales of the eastern treasures as myth to protect the valley’s new inhabitants’ right to privacy, and to prevent a widespread greed for power, as well as to prevent the spawn of another like Winlaurdik. The ruse worked for decades. But curiosity inevitably overcame the traditional disbelief, and the greed in human nature could not be controlled forever.
He ran his thick, calloused hands through his unkempt, light brown curly hair as he took a moment from wood chopping to study the children playing nearby. Despite their parents’ attempts to dissuade their curiosity, the children retold the forbidden tales to each other with lights in their eyes almost every day. They wanted to believe.
Gurandi sighed, his shoulders bowed from years of having to lie to their children to protect them from the outside world; his own daughter included. But they lived a peaceful life in their secluded valley, as did their fathers and mothers before them. The knowledge that the world held secrets and mysteries outside the valley, that something as powerful and frightening as magic was within reach, would surely jeopardize the peace and possibly tear the children from their valley home, likely to never be seen again. Gurandi knew the day would come when he would have to expose the truth, and how he longed for that day! Not until they’re ready, he whispered to himself, the only way he could strengthen his resolve.
He smiled despite his feelings when his neighbor’s children and his own daughter choreographed a battle scene the way they imagined it really happened, according to the tales of course. “Am I really that old?” he chuckled to himself. Perhaps that truthful day was fast approaching.
Kaia-mei was nearing the end of her sixteenth year already. To one without children that thought would seem another everyday concept, a part of life. But to Gurandi, who felt he carried his baby girl in his arms everywhere in the recent past, it was a slap in the face. And his little girl was growing dangerously curious about the caves in the northern mountains that he and his best friend, Creole, explored since they were children.
“You still have a couple years with her.”
Gurandi sensed the presence of his best friend a second before Creole spoke, and turned to lock stares with the taller, balding-blond haired, ocea-blue eyed woodsman.
He was right, Gurandi knew, for his son, Caize, was almost two years Kaia-mei’s senior and would be leaving the valley before her.
“My worries are that obvious, old friend?”
Creole chuckled and shook his head. “The wide world couldn’t stir your nerves. Countless battles, some of which nearly killed you, couldn’t cow your heart. Then a baby girl comes into your life, and suddenly a spider crossing your path makes you watch where you’re stepping.”
Gurandi, having traveled the world twice over in his youth, wisely absorbed his friend’s words for what they were. “You’re right. I cannot control this ‘spider,’ yet nor can I let the spider control me.”
Creole smiled wide, gave his friend’s shoulder a good strong pat, and then left him with his thoughts.
Gurandi knew he couldn’t keep protecting Kaia-mei, that he would soon have to back off and let her learn the value of self-sustenance, for out in the wilds of the world she would have to know how to protect herself. The thought of sending his baby off on her own pained him deeply; even brought tears to his hazel eyes. But Creole was right: one day that spider will be crossing Kaia-mei’s path, and Gurandi won’t be there to redirect her course.
As he resumed the log chopping, he hoped his training would go on to protect her when he could not. That training would double from now on, because Gurandi felt he was running out of time. And the caves…
Kaia-mei was curious about the caves the first time she laid eyes on them when she was barely six years old. Gurandi wanted her to explore them, as he did, when she was ready. He feared that time had come; for surviving the caves was the first step she needed to take in order to survive the world.
“It’s fo’real!” argued Brinney, narrowing her small eyes at her older brother.
A traveler had recently visited the valley, spouting the legendary tales to his companion like a tourist guide, and the children overheard a tale concerning the caves on the southern slope of the northern mountains; the first time any of the tales—except those Kaia-mei remembered from her own mother’s voice when she was barely old enough to remember—involved Naiirsnia Valley. Magic! In their own valley!
Kaia-mei smiled and subtly nodded at Brinney, for she believed the tales, too, but looked away and stifled a laugh when Caize glared at her.
“You’re not helping,” he muttered, and then turned back to his sister. “Brin, there is nothing but danger up in those caves. It’s not just me who wants you to stay away from there; Father would be very angry with both of us. You know the visitors speak foolishly, believing any lie they hear and spreading it like fire.”
Brinney hung her head, imagining her father yelling at them. While she disliked the few times he berated her for disobeying, she felt worse when she got her brother in trouble.
“You promise you’ll stay close to home?”
She nodded and left to find her friends.
Kaia-mei shrugged as their number dropped to two, as Caize looked at her expectantly in hopes that she would be the one to decide their next activity. Both teenagers were indecisive when it came to their free time; they usually ended up sparring or practicing some form of physical training. And merely talking—learning about each other—was worn down over the years; they’d become close friends, and knew each other better than they knew any of the other children in the valley. These two were drawn to each other, perhaps because they shared an instant connection or because the other children always left them out of the loop; it didn’t matter, for they were simply most comfortable with each other.
“Another sparring session?”
Caize could tell by the tone of her voice that her heart was not fully in the suggestion. Neither was his. He didn’t immediately respond, trying to think of something new. Most of their training had been physical, mainly sparring matches. He figured some mental, resourceful, intellectual or knowledgeable training would be good for them. Something informative: survival oriented such as edible plants, berries and fruits; directional sense in case they get lost; a variety of lore’s, both planetary and races of good or evil alignment. They’d both studied a small amount of each with Gurandi, but the world was large and they’d not even made a molecule of a dent in the pool of knowledge.
He was about to suggest something when a group of running villagers, outfitted for battle, caught his eye over Kaia-mei’s left shoulder to the west and inspired a change in his thoughts.
“How about we watch a real battle instead,” grinned Caize mischievously. Normally he wouldn’t risk danger for mere entertainment, but since the group of battle-ready villagers was so small, Caize figured the threat was minimal this time.
Kaia-mei grinned. When Caize breeched a mischievous mood she wouldn’t hesitate to take advantage, because the moment was fleeting and rare. She moved to shadow the running group before Caize could realize he didn’t even need to ask the question.
The battle-ready villagers slowed their pace when they neared the target zone—the western edge of the wooded valley—where their scouts had spotted a small band of worgs scavenging for food. With said adversaries, a few arrows—flame tipped if need be—and some rambunctious behavior more often than not will end a battle before it begins. The villagers thought up a quick plan, yet remained in hiding to watch in case the worgs went away on their own.
Caize was glad he brought his bow, for even from their vantage point—up and behind the squatting villagers—he could tell the situation might get dangerous
Kaia-mei watched the clouds. Sometimes these scouting sessions lasted hours, and she wanted to be sure they wouldn’t be caught in any bad weather. Also, if signs of hail or lightning were revealed, the villagers would abandon their post to get their families inside and prepare their crops for the storm. Kaia-mei knew she and Caize would find themselves in trouble if the villagers noticed the storm and turned back before they did, for she and Caize were directly in their returning path. If only Father knew one of his survival lessons was being used to keep us from getting caught, she mused. She knelt down, scooped up a handful of fine-grained dirt and threw it into the air. But she didn’t watch the dust fall for amusement. She watched which direction the wind carried the dirt cloud.
“I wonder if they know the worgs are downwind,” she whispered to Caize.
As if on cue, a worg’s ears perked as it peered in their general direction.
Caize leapt upon the rock concealing them, bow ready and arrow notched. He hesitated, though, so he could see where his bow was most needed. It didn’t take long before he realized he wasn’t needed at all.
Before the single worg could investigate its suspicion, the pack caught a much stronger scent and bayed a war cry as they bounded off to the south.
“Time to go,” Caize said, slight disappointment in his tone of voice.
Kaia-mei nodded, empathizing completely, and added, “To the caves?”
Caize stopped in his tracks. He couldn’t turn to face her for a moment. When he turned, he wasn’t surprised to see her grinning. “You know we can’t.”
Kaia-mei punched him in the arm. “There are plenty of tests in there for our training knowledge. Some we’ve not tried yet.”
“And for good reason!” countered Caize. “We’re not ready.”
She rolled her amber eyes and pushed ahead of him. “I’m ready,” she teased. “But if you’re not, I’ll wait for you.” Then she laughed and took off running, coercing Caize into a race back to the village.
But they didn’t get far before a large, sturdy man blocked their path. Kaia-mei gasped, startled, until she realized who the obstacle was.
“Where were you?” demanded Gurandi.
Caize looked to the ground. He knew they could not lie about this one. Caize could tell by the look on the woodsman’s face, Gurandi knew exactly where they’d gone. “It was my idea this time, sir.”
Caize wondered how Kaia-mei could be so bold in the face of punishment. He glanced to her, not looking long for he knew she would be standing tall and firm, head up and arms folded like always when their mischief failed to remain secret.
“That does not excuse her.” Gurandi snorted. “I appreciate your honesty, Caize. But Kaia chose to go with you. And I imagine you didn’t even need to ask her.”
A moment of silence passed before anyone spoke again.
“I am requiring that you take your test early. Tomorrow morning you will be in your hiding spot as the sun reaches its peak.”
“Good,” Kaia-mei grunted gruffly, grabbing Caize by the arm and leading him toward the village. “I was beginning to get bored.”
“Kaia,” Caize scolded, “he is your father.”
“If you fail, you won’t see the caves for another year!” called Gurandi after them. He shook his head, wondering from where her rebellious attitude spawned. He’d never raised a child before, but certainly didn’t expect a girl to have boyish pride. Was he doing something wrong? Were her behaviors inherited or acquired? Was she happy with her life in the valley? Was she happy with him as her father? In all the responsibilities of being a father, he keeps forgets to ask her such personal, relationship-building questions. What he feared most, however, was if she would answer honestly, and wondered if he would want her to answer honestly.
She crouched uncomfortably in the center of the tangled bush in the dim light just before dawn, not daring to move or cause any sound that could possibly carry beyond a few feet. Her patience was tested greatly here. She’d held the position for nearly an hour, listening intently for particular sounds outside her bush, focusing on nothing but those potential sounds and the information they fed her. Her grumbling stomach caught not a sliver of her attention. Her dry mouth and parched throat would not register in her mind until she emerged from her bush. She allowed herself to hear nature’s spring symphony, but she would not listen. Even the bush beetle crawling through her straight, crow black hair could not steal her concentration. She kept her amber eyes closed in case a spindly spider dropped before her face from the dew-filled leaves above her head, for that would shatter her focus indefinitely. She was a mere child with the discipline of a trained soldier. Her father taught her well.
Snap!
The cracking wood wove through the symphony and was received by her radar of diligence. The slight crunch of dry leaves followed, and then another snapping twig. She immediately began analyzing the sounds. Whatever approached was still too far away to determine the density of the broken twigs, thus the person’s weight could not yet be decided. So she focused on the direction and distance.
With an image of the surrounding mountainside in her mind, she recalled any large boulders or thick pines that could possibly ricochet the sounds to deceive her perceptions. If her memory was correct, the sound traveling up the hillside from the south was true. She allowed her focus a temporary shift to the direction of the light wind. Since the breeze was weak, she figured it couldn’t dilute or strengthen the footsteps’ distance of sound travel to any degree of difference. But for certainty’s sake, she noted the wind traveled southwest to northeast.
She caught another sound, which hinted at the weight of whatever approached: similar to a snapping twig with multiplicities in the crunch, and greater volume.
“A healthy pine seed,” she said silently to herself. To an untrained ear the detail would mean almost nothing, but she caught the significance. The crunch was not complete; the seed’s integrity held out against the weight of whatever put pressure on it.
Next, she measured the timing of the footsteps. They held a quick pace, but the steps were too far apart to belong to a child. The traveler stood at least five and a half feet. The steps were crisply cut, their boots lifting and dropping without brushing the ground. She made an educated guess that whatever approached was physically fit and slender, with a balanced gait. Finally she was able to piece the puzzle together.
“Tchukan Bu!” she called out, leaping from the bush and prying open her weary eyelids.
The cloaked figure laughed aloud and pulled back his hood, shaking free his long blond mane. “Well done, Kaia-mei!” he congratulated.
“Fifteen paces this time,” she replied, referring to how far away the subject stood upon discovery of his identity. The previous test ended when the subject was a mere five paces away. “I passed!”
“And a fine improvement. Your father will be proud. He will take you to the caves, as promised.”
Kaia-mei wore a smile until she fell asleep that night.
Cornered. Trapped within omnipresent darkness. Surrounded by danger with no way out. No weapon with which to defend. The gaunt silhouettes, a ring of death enclosing about her, seemed not to care about the life they would soon consume. They saw her only as the next delicious meal. She belonged to a father, and was blessed with good friends, but none of that mattered to these vile beings.
From out of nowhere a purple light engulfed half of the evil ring: a purple crescent-moon. The other half disappeared into onyx blackness. The room lit up, revealing the terrain: a giant underground cavern echoing with emptiness. She stood alone.
Except for her father’s severed head lying on the ground at her feet.
Two energy waves, interpreted by her human mind as the sound of voices, called her name: one melodic and one deep. Vibrant sounds imparting a feeling of inadequacy and helplessness. Two lost souls crying out to be found. Crying out for Kaia-mei.
She woke in a cold sweat sitting upright in bed with her hair matted to her face and neck. Her small amber eyes darted back and forth through the dim light and her lungs gasped for air—just a dream. The voices echoed distinctly in her mind; too real to be a dream.
Kaia-mei…
Silence dominated her cluttered bedroom in the cabin she shared with her father surrounded by the village in Nair’snia Valley, where she’d lived for the entire sixteen years of her life. She scrambled out of bed and threw wide the wooden shudders covering the only window in her room. Daylight streamed in, along with the fresh scents of the morning spring air. She welcomed the exhilarating smell with a deep breath and took a moment to indulge the afforded view of the towering mountains to the south, to forget her horrid dream, before turning for the door. She passed her straw bed, the bear pelt cover tossed aside, and her miniature bookshelf displaying scrolls and drawings handed down from generation to generation within the family. She glanced at the basic map of the region sketched by her father, ignored her leather-hide clothes scattered about the floor, and finally stopped at the small table on which she kept her mother’s shrine. She scanned the table to reassure herself that the shrine had not been disturbed, as she did every morning. Her eyes moved from the candles to the portrait leaning against the wall of her mother, to the two small marble obelisks, and finally to a bundle of rosemary at its center.
With her father in mind, anticipating a day of exploring the caves on the northern mountain, she snatched up the belt holding her sheathed dagger and then, not bothering to change out of the previous day’s clothes, rushed from the room.
“Fath…” she began to call as she charged into the main room, her voice trailing away when she noticed his traveling gear missing from its usual spot by the front door. She glanced to her right to see her father’s bedchamber door hanging wide open, the room beyond empty and stilled. The hearth, to her left, emanated warmth. A soft red glow as the unattended embers atrophied from neglect.
A clue.
Kaia-mei halved her five-and-a-half foot frame, kneeling before the dying embers to study them intently. She wasn’t an expert, yet, but could guess that the fire—which she assumed had cooked her father’s breakfast—was unattended for less than an hour. She rushed out of the cabin in three eager strides seeking more clues.
Kaia-mei held her right hand up to the eastern sky, fingers closed and flat palm facing toward her with thumb sticking up and her pinky finger optically resting on the horizon. The sun paralleled the knuckle of her raised thumb. She deduced the sun climbed above the horizon for a little over an hour. Her nose crinkled in confusion; according to the hearth embers her father left around dawn. The same time the scheduled villagers usually set out for the hunt. But Gurandi was not scheduled to hunt this day.
I read the embers wrong, she reasoned to herself. With a shrug she turned back, heading inside to double check, but a voice younger than her own spun her about and inspired a smile.
“Kaia!” called Brinney as she rounded the cabin’s eastern corner. Brinney always wore her shoulder-length brown hair in pigtails sticking out of the sides of her head, with rich, inquisitive, blue-green eyes. Fully a foot shorter than her older friend, Brinney looked up to the sixteen year old in more than one way. Of course, the only evidence of her admiration would show itself not in words—for she shied from even the most trustworthy of people—but in the constant study of her apparent idol.
“Brinney,” Kaia-mei greeted in return, “have you seen my father?”
Brinney simply shook her head.
“Fetch your brother and meet back here, I still need to eat.” Brinney turned and ran in the direction of her family’s cabin before Kaia-mei could walk back inside.
She devoured a couple handfuls of berries and a quarter loaf of bread within minutes, washing them down with cold water from the village’s well. Normally Kaia-mei would go back outside and wait for her friends on the porch—or go find them first—but because of her father’s absence, she couldn’t resist her curiosity for a forbidden place. She figured it an opportune time to continue her search through her father’s room for any hint of a certain legend’s truth, while she awaited his return.
Before her mother died, the spirited and creative woman would put Kaia-mei to sleep with story after story of times long past, of wars and adventures and heroes. Kaia-mei was too young to ask about them, but as she grew older she knew the stories were fabricated for her own enjoyment, and perhaps her mother’s as well. However, one story in particular delivered a ring of truth: A tale of the ancient villagers’ fight for survival from an invading army of goblins, orcs and ogres; of the magic the villagers used to fend the threat, and the treasures they hid deep inside the mountains surrounding Nairsnia the valley. But most curious of all: they owned artifacts of great power. The stories never even hinted at what kind of power or how great, so the truth of the legend was open to interpretation. Always a seeker of mysteries to unravel, Kaia-mei wanted desperately to find the truth about the valley’s first inhabitants and what became of them. Perhaps the ancient artifacts could provide the information she desired.
The room’s light was dim, for the east-facing window shutters were closed, but she needed no great light. She knew exactly where her father kept his scrolls and the floor was, as always, picked up and tidy. She’d searched through the scrolls a few times on the rare occasion her father left her home alone, but never could examine all of them in time due to paranoia. With only three left to examine she would definitely find something useful this time, if anything useful could be found at all.
What if he owned no record of the tale, she thought pessimistically. Perhaps one of the other villagers kept hold of it, or perhaps there weren’t any written records. Even so, she decided there’s only one way to find out.
The pile of scrolls remained the same as she’d left it a week ago; exactly how her father left it the last time he sifted through them. With an ear tuned to the cabin’s front door she gently lifted each of the scrolls from the top of the pile and set them on the floor next to her. When only six scrolls remained, she plucked three from the right side and set two of the three on the floor opposite the others so as not to get them confused. Doubts flooded her thoughts as she unrolled the scroll in her hands; she recalled the three on the left as different maps of the region. Her frustrated sigh pierced the silence when she looked upon yet another map. She delicately re-rolled the scroll and replaced it with one of the other two. Another map. She then understood why these six stayed at the bottom of the scroll pyramid. Her father memorized the layout of the land for miles around long ago, and he no longer needed the maps. She knew instinctively the last one would be another map. That couldn’t keep her curious imagination at bay, though, and she unrolled it anyway.
She unrolled a map indeed, but not like any she’d ever seen before. This one appeared to be a layout of some tunnel network, likely beneath the mountains. Kaia-mei thought back to when she and Caize stumbled upon one of the forbidden caves a few years ago. They joked that it led down into the burial grounds of the ancient villagers and their treasure, but were too scared and skeptical to venture within. Could we be right? She dared to hope, growing excited with the potential discovery. Her eager amber eyes absorbed the map greedily. The sketches were rough and faded—almost too confusing to follow—but Kaia-mei’s mind was sharp for her age, and her father taught her to decipher the basics of a map’s legend. The map wasn’t quite what she sought, but was probably all the truth she would get short of finding the treasure itself. She knew her father would never admit to any truth of her mother’s stories.
The front door creaked open. Kaia-mei held her breath as she stuffed the map into her tunic and frantically replaced the other maps and miscellaneous scrolls, while thinking of an excuse to tell her father as to why she invaded his bedchamber. Her breath escaped in a slow, resigned exhale, for she knew she would not be able to lie to him. She took a step back to admire the scrolls, appearing exactly the way they should, minus one.
“Kaia-mei?” called a deep voice from the main room.
She ran out to see the front door cracked open, with Caize’s head making a break in the vertical line of sunlight. An audible sigh of relief escaped her lips.
“Have you seen my father?” she asked.
Caize pushed the door open at the sight of his friend. “Yes. He said to tell you the caves would have to wait, and he’d be back in a few hours.”
Kaia-mei’s expression betrayed her heartbreak, but the rebellion in her eyes replaced it immediately. “He promised we’d go first thing in the morning,” she nearly growled. She decided then that she would go without him. “I found something,” she grinned.
Caize shrugged, his curious, blue-eyed gaze locked with her mischievous amber orbs. “What did you find?” Curious, yet concerned as always when she grinned like that, he anticipated a profound discovery.
Kaia-mei peered around Caize to be sure there were no witnesses before producing the rolled parchment from her tunic. She unrolled it and presented it to him. Her eyes ruptured with wonderment. He knew upon first glance that it was a map of some underground tunnels.
“Oh Kaia, you don’t think this will lead us to the supposed treasure, do you? Those are just rumors. They’re stories our parents told us so we’d go to sleep.” He didn’t even bother to survey the map.
“He has this map! He showed me all his other maps, and trained me how to read them. He taught both of us to memorize the lands around here. But why not this map? He’s hiding something from me, I know it.”
“No, Kaia,” argued Caize as he handed the scroll back, putting a frown on his friend’s usually stoic face. “You think everyone is hiding something. You see mysteries where there are none. And your father scolds you for chasing the legend because he knows it’s false, and because the caves beneath the mountains are crawling with goblins and kobolds and many other dangerous creatures. He doesn’t want you to get hurt, Kaia. And neither do I. Please wait for him.”
Silence descended like nightfall, and Kaia-mei’s glare would stop a charging worg in its tracks.
“How do you know that’s even the right map?” Caize continued with a sigh, his big blue eyes looking away from the uncomfortably penetrating stare.
“You’re scared aren’t you? If it’s the wrong map, at least we’ll have had a good time! Think of it as an adventure, Caize! It’s better than spying on the hunters, again.”
Caize nodded his agreement with her persuasive reasoning.
“And we’ll not know if it is the map, or if it leads to the treasure, unless we look. What if it is, Caize? What if we bring home treasures that no one has seen for more years than we can count?” Excitement bubbled in her eyes.
Caize responded with a sigh, followed by silence. He knew she wasn’t going to give him a chance to say no. He must admit he felt her excitement as if it were contagious.
“If you don’t come with me, I’ll go alone,” she said stubbornly. She wasn’t sure she actually would go alone. But she knew Caize didn’t know that, and the threat would convince him to accompany her.
“Very well. You win,” Caize predictably agreed, throwing his hands up in submissive defeat. “Either way your father will kill me.”
“Go where?” Brinney asked from behind the nearly six foot tall boy. “Huntings?”
“But she’s not going!” ordered Caize, pointing at his younger sister with a tone of voice that left no room for debate.
“Am too!” Brinney crossed her arms defiantly in front of her chest.
“No, Brin. We’re going into the caves; it’s too dangerous for you,” Kaia-mei pleaded. “Stay here and watch for my father, and when he comes home tell him you think we went looking for him.”
Upon mention of the caves Brinney’s teal eyes widened, and her jaw dropped. Her excited smile turned into a pout when she remembered they said she wasn’t going, and she shook her head. “No go there!”
“Please, Brin?”
“When we get back we’ll take you to the lake,” Caize compromised.
The bribe transformed her pout into a wide smile and sparkles glittered her eyes, her pigtails whipping forward with each exaggerated nod. Kaia-mei looked appreciatively at Caize and grinned. He offered a single worn out nod in return. With one arm Caize slung the strap of his pack over his shoulder and checked his sword belt with the other hand.
“Thank you, Brin. See you soon!” beamed Kaia-mei as she reached down and lifted her own pack from the floor. She didn’t have to check for her dagger, for she could sense the security it emanated. She used her other arm to close the cabin door behind them.
The tall pine trees seemed abandoned as they hiked up the mountain slope, something quite unusual for an early spring morning.
“It’s too quiet,” commented Kaia-mei as she walked a few paces ahead of Caize, staring up at the canopy of the natural watchtowers, searching the boughs for animal life.
The other nodded in agreement despite that his companion couldn’t see the gesture. “Not much further to go if I remember the distance correctly.”
Twenty minutes of silent walking passed until the cave sprouted into view about fifty feet ahead and up a six-foot rock face. Spurred by the sight of their destination, neither of them could contain their excitement. They raced up the pine-needle-covered slope with abandon. The six-foot face of rock seemed half the height. And when they both scaled it as if it were, they found their reward at the top.
The cave entrance was only about four feet tall and twice as wide, with green vines hanging down in a sloppy attempt to conceal the entrance. The supporting rock surrounding the mouth of darkness was jagged, seeming like the sharp ivory teeth of a primitive predator. Kaia-mei stopped and marveled at the sight, the other almost bumping into her with his vision glued to the leering darkness beyond.
“I don’t remember it looking so…scary,” Kaia-mei gulped.
Caize couldn’t pass up the opportunity to tease his friend. “So you’re the scared one, now. Well we didn’t come all this way just to…”
Kaia-mei spun sharply about, hands on hips, the instant Caize accused her of being scared. His eyes met her glare and he couldn’t finish the sentence. Though he did smile inwardly at the thought of a goblin running away and screaming in terror of her menacing gaze. He noticed Kaia-mei’s eyes shift slightly to look over his shoulder and he wheeled about, thinking danger present, to see two locks of light brown hair sticking out from behind a vanilla-scented pine. They both wondered how she scaled the rocks, but neither of them inquired.
“That little sneak,” cursed Kaia-mei quietly. “Brin! Come here!” She felt frustrated that Brinney could get so close undetected after all her training with Gurandi.
The bashful child stepped out from behind the tree, nervousness evident in her posture, but froze in place. Caize glanced at his uncharacteristically short-tempered friend, his eyes begging her not to bully the skittish girl as he started toward Brinney. “I’ll handle this,” he said.
Brinney shuffled ahead to meet Caize halfway, like a fawn just realizing its perceived predator was really its mother. Behind them, Kaia-mei rolled her eyes and turned to study the cave again. She didn’t know why she was so impatient and irritable this day. She was frustrated with her father, but knew not to take frustrations out on those undeserving, or those unconnected to the event. She suspected the dream as the source, but that investigation was for another time. Tunnels awaited them.
Caize and Brinney exchanged words for a moment. The older boy’s sudden voice turned Kaia-mei back about. “Wait for me, father needs my help. I’ll be back.”
“He’s probably angry that we’re coming up here, Caize! You won’t be back,” she called after him.
“No, Brinney didn’t tell him where we went. Father says it won’t take long. Say’s it’s important! Promise to wait.” Strangely, Brinney stared at Kaia-mei a moment through a mask of sadness—perhaps fear?—before turning to follow her brother.
Kaia-mei sighed and looked around for a comfortable place to sit. Not a single flat rock could be seen: only a bunch of pine needles and pine seeds. She kicked one of the seeds down the slope, and watched it bound along. Wait for him? She balked. That could take hours! And Brinney’s strange gaze remained, seemingly fused to the intangible part of her vision, the part connected not with her eyeballs, but with her eyes. It reminded her of a time she caught the younger girl standing alone out in the forest, staring up into the trees with nothing to look at. What could Brinney see that others could not? She turned back to the rock’s black wound, the void in the mountainside, and shrugged. Yes she was afraid to go in alone, more afraid than she’d ever been in her entire life. Her father always said the best way to make the fear go away was to be brave and stand her ground.
She would find the artifact, even if it meant searching alone.
The rhythm of her light footsteps echoed down the tunnel ahead, cutting through the darkness beyond the reach of daylight streaming in from the entrance behind her. Her skin crawled with goose bumps, and every step she took deeper into the cave required courage she didn’t know she possessed.
The tunnel appeared extremely long and foreboding, despite the fact she couldn’t see more than fifty paces ahead of her. The thought of walking blindly through the enveloping darkness made her want to turn around and run back into the safety of the open sky. Only the thought of finding the ancient artifact propelled her short legs. A sudden revelation hit her like a slap in the face. Her nervous, sweating fear caused her to forget an essential part of this expedition.
She carried a torch in her pack.
Feeling absolutely unprepared for this adventure, feeling small as the pebbles beneath her feet, she dropped her pack to the ground and knelt beside it. She opened the flap and rummaged around inside for a moment before producing a stick of wood with one end wrapped in oil-soaked cloth. Comforted by the knowledge that she had packed another torch, Kaia-mei took two stones from a pocket in her vest and struck them together. Her father called them firestones because, when struck together, they produced a shower of sparks. She needed only to strike them together once before the cloth was aflame. Like a thief revealed in the act of stealing, the shadows fled from her globe of orange light.
With a sigh of relief she picked up her pack and continued down the now less intimidating tunnel, daring to believe she would conquer this adventure with her life intact. The walls were jagged and natural, as if the caves had existed since the dawn of time, yet the floor was nearly smooth. Explorers must have carved the ground for easier and safer passage. That means something, she thought to herself. A sign that something down here is important enough to visit time and again.
The young traveler passed two side-passages and, if her directional-sense was as accurate underground as it was above, she still headed north. Another side-passage appeared within the orb of firelight not far ahead. She stopped at the side-passage and took a deep breath to calm herself. She was letting her fears take control. She turned her gaze to the side-passage and saw something strange within, beyond the reach of her torchlight.
A pair of eerie yellow orbs seemed to move toward her. Kaia-mei couldn’t be sure, for they moved extremely slow—if at all—and she leaned forward, squinting her eyes in a futile attempt to see clearer in the dark tunnel.
Scuffle-scuffle. Scratch-scratch-scratch.
There was definitely something moving in there. She took a step into the side-passage and thrust her torch ahead and up beyond her peripheral vision, so as not to hinder her sight when looking beyond the light. The volume of the noises increased rapidly.
Kaia-mei gasped and peddled backward when the creature’s face suddenly appeared in her safe-haven of firelight. The creature was roughly the size of a fox. It’s maw stuck out at least five inches, with rows of extremely sharp-looking teeth glistening with some kind of fluid. She dropped her torch to the ground, startled and afraid, and her jaw dropped nearly as far when the thing advanced fully into the light. Its head was small, round and skinny behind the protruding mouth, and two yellow lumps served as eyes on top of its head. The green skin peeled back from the eyes as they scanned Kaia-mei, wondering which part of her to devour first. Its six legs extended out from its long, slender abdomen. Luckily the creature did not have wings. The skin was scaly and green like a reptile, but was much more solid and shiny like the shell of a beetle. She watched as the fluid from its opened, eager maw dropped to the stone, sizzling, and began to dissolve it. Acidic saliva.
The creature hesitated, shying a bit from the heat, seemingly afraid to move above the fire of the torch. It unexpectedly turned to the side and began what could only be described as chewing into the stone. Within seconds it was gone, burrowed completely into the rock, and even the vibrations stopped. Silence.
Kaia-mei’s breath was like an infuriated wind. Inhale-exhale-inhale-exhale. She seemed on the verge of hyperventilation, her eyes wide with disbelief. What in the world was that thing? Her mind screamed, though she was still too paralyzed to consciously react. Of all the creatures she’d learned about from stories, either told by her mother or another villager, she’d never heard of the one she just encountered. It was so close, fatally close, and yet it tunneled into the rock to get away from her. Perhaps it wasn’t a meat eater? Maybe its diet consisted of rock and underground molds and mosses. That possibility calmed her, and she began to breath normally. She blinked her dried eyes, tried to produce some saliva in her dehydrated mouth, and slowly inched toward her dropped torch.
Then the scuffling noise returned from behind. Startled, she instinctively drew her dagger and spun about. The reptilian insect leered at her from its perch on the wall at the mouth of her tunnel. Without thinking of the consequences or the wisdom of her actions, she threw the blazing torch at the creature. It proved as agile as both reptile and insect, however, and scurried back into the protective cover of the main tunnel as the torch flew by. But it didn’t run away. It reappeared in the same spot and hissed at her for the failed attempt, mocking her futility. Kaia-mei felt the panic swelling to overwhelming heights, but that only seemed to spur the beast on. As if it could smell her fear. She needed to be strong, courageous. She needed to be like her father.
The creature inched toward her, moving slowly as if it savored her nervous qualm. She swallowed, but the panic didn’t go down. She growled to appear ferocious, and still the beast came on. She summoned an image of her father, of what he would do in this situation, and she waited. It was three paces away. She could smell its sulfuric breath. She closed her eyes, not to cower but to steady herself. Patience. Courage. Strength. The words became her mantra.
A drop of liquid hit the stone not far from her leather boot and again the sizzle followed.
In one quick movement she thrust her dagger-wielding hand out in an arc toward the wall, point leading in. Her dagger pinned the creature’s maw to the wall behind its three rows of teeth, and acid blood spattered the rock and ground. She could only assume luck was with her, for not a single drop scorched her skin or clothes.
The creature squealed and hissed in agony, wriggling to free itself. Kaia-mei certainly didn’t want it around, so she gladly yanked the blade out. The creature fled into the main tunnel, leaving a trail of rock-eating blood in its wake. She leaned against the wall for support as the adrenaline pumped through her veins like an erupting volcano. Her breath came in short spurts, its sound echoing dormant in her ears, but all she knew was victory. She quickly retrieved her torch.
As the rush subsided, she held her dagger up to the torchlight to assess the damage. Three inches of the blade was gone, dissolved by the creature’s blood. She was shocked, and again knew only worry. Another three inches and the acid would’ve eaten at her hand! She began to fret about where she would obtain another weapon for protection. She looked from her ruined dagger to her torch and back again. There might be weapons lying around in the wild tunnels, she hoped. The torch could serve as a weapon until she found a more effective one. How many adventurers died in here and left their possessions behind? She wondered, then shivered at the thought and decided she didn’t want to know.
The map! Kaia-mei returned the useless blade to its sheath, though it sat crooked, and produced the rolled parchment from her bag. With one hand holding the torch, she pressed the parchment to the ground with the other and examined the rough drawing. Her amber eyes followed her course from the entrance and marked the spot she now stood then scanned the rest of the map. There were small, brief descriptions of certain findings in some areas: Abandoned lair; drinking river; rat’s nest; gravesite; field of unknown plant life…
Her eyes shot back to the area marked ‘gravesite’, and she could hardly contain her elation. A weapon would most likely be found there. The site was down the tunnel in a side-passage to the right. She re-rolled the map and repacked it, picked up her bag and started off down the tunnel. Ignoring the promise of death, she focused only on finding a new weapon.
Her light footsteps seemed an invasion to a tunnel not tread upon by human feet in years. The torchlight flickered as she walked, shadows dancing about her like marionettes. After a while—it could have been minutes or hours but seemed a lifetime—she began to feel the rock closing in around her. She walked through twists and turns, the tunnel getting narrow to the point of claustrophobia then growing wide again within a few yards.
She thought she heard a grumbling, deep voice down the tunnel. She couldn’t afford to fight now! Not against a creature more intelligent than an insect or lizard. Not against something familiar with the concept of fire. She desperately glanced about for something—anything—to get her out of this potentially fatal situation, hoping the voice belonged to one of the village men but unable to chance a meeting in case it did not.
Out of the corner of her eye she noticed a purple spark on the right side of the tunnel ahead. When she looked that way again, she saw only darkness. Unable to forget the significance of that flash of purple and its possible connection to the previous night’s strange dream, she forced herself to ignore the danger and took a few steps forward. On her fourth step, just as she lifted her foot to take another, the purple spark flashed again. She hurried the next few steps until she was standing at the mouth of an alcove on the right. The light from her torch chased away the darkness within, and Kaia-mei’s eyes coveted the dazzling sight.
She stood inside an enormous amethyst geode, ten feet high in the center and twice as wide at the farthest edges. It sank in approximately ten feet, and the walls and ceiling birthed an abundance of purple crystals of various sizes. So beautiful was the sight that she almost missed the pile of pelts on the ground—which was strangely not covered in crystals—at the back wall.
Her excitement and awe drained away as fast as water from a broken dam when she noticed them. The pile of pelts was just that at first glance, but a femur stuck out from under them upon further inspection. This must be the gravesite, she reasoned. Instead of flickering shadows, purple reflections of light danced about her as she crept into the alcove. The bodies must have decayed, or were stripped clean of the meat, for the smell filling her nostrils was not of death or rotting corpses. She smelled aged skins and bones. She didn’t want to think these adventurers were murdered, though it was the most likely possibility, for such a fate would mean she was now in grave danger. Perhaps they were so entranced by the beauty they simply didn’t want to leave, and they wasted away to nothingness. Or perhaps something trapped them here…
A shiver coursed her spine, and Kaia-mei decided she’d better leave in great haste. But first she needed a replacement for her dagger. With her nose scrunched up, for the thought of touching a dead person revolted her, she quickly scattered the remains about with her foot. After shoving the third skeleton aside, she heard a metal “clang” on the stone floor and looked over to see a six-inch rusted dagger sticking out from under a leather vest. She thought of looking for more useful items, but the soft thud of booted feet filled the main tunnel behind her. Whoever or whatever the sound belonged to carried a lot of weight and, though they walked on long legs, moved slow and cumbersome. Sounds inside a cave or tunnel differed greatly from the familiar outdoors, but she could still tell that the owner of the footsteps was large and very close.
Not conscientious of the vulgarity of her actions, without concern for hygiene, she stomped out her torch, gathered up the three clothed skeletons—or what was left of them—and jumped onto the pile. Bones rattled and knocked on the floor beneath her as she struggled to cover herself with the dead. Her only thoughts were of survival, of deceiving whatever advanced out in the main tunnel—her only escape route. Finally she settled beneath the pile of bones and pelts. She waited patiently and listened, and thanked the spirits of the fallen for their cover in hopes she hadn’t interrupted their rest by disturbing their former coils.
Its raspy breathing entered the alcove. The beast came to investigate the noise it heard. Nothing dared to disturb its lair in several years, until now. But nothing could be found except its pile of old meals. Scratching its hairy head in confusion, the cave gnoll grunted, growled with annoyance, and finally turned and walked away to continue the search for food.
Beneath the ancient adventurers, Kaia-mei held her breath and listened until the heavy footsteps receded to nothingness. She was extra careful while squirming free of the disgusting mess so as not to make more noise that would consequently bring the beast back. Without light the stealthy task proved difficult indeed. But she managed to get up without making enough noise to reach the main tunnel. After blindly extracting her pack, the torch and the dagger from the pile, she relit the torch with her firestones and again couldn’t help but marvel at the sight of the crystalline purple chamber. She held her new dagger up next to the torch to admire it and, satisfied, placed it in her sheath as she tossed the broken one on top of the bone pile. The act reminded her of when her father told her to never take from the earth or from the dead without leaving a gift in return, and she managed a small smile.
More pressing concerns invaded her thoughts, so she turned to leave.
Something seemed strange about that plan, though she couldn’t discern what. Of course she must leave! Confused, she shook her head and took a step forward.
Back, screamed a melodic voice. Again, the voice seemed to come from her mind, or out of thin air, but Kaia-mei still started and feared the voice’s source. She’d heard it somewhere before. Somewhere…
The dream! It was the same voice from the strange dream depicting her father’s death. And here it was again.
Back. What could that mean? Stay back? Watch her back? Go back?
Kaia-mei suddenly felt compelled to search the back of the cave. At first, when she saw nothing unusual, she thought she’d have to move the pile of bones and check behind it. Then, as she moved to the back wall on the left side of the alcove in an attempt to see behind the pile, she noticed an out-of-place shadowy blackness. Upon thorough inspection she found a two-foot wide hallway parting the stone: a narrow corridor of shadow stretching into oblivion. She moved the torch inside. The firelight constricted to accommodate the narrower space and reached deep enough to tell the hallway was consistent in form. The map showed the alcove as a dead end, and Kaia-mei’s hopes soared at the discovery. The corridor appeared so hidden even the mountain’s thousands of inhabitants shouldn’t know of its existence. Hence the dilemma; return the dangerous way she came, through charted tunnels, or explore the secluded tunnel? She remembered the heavy, raspy breathing of her most recent encounter; the sound a description in itself as to how hideous and dangerous the beast was. The question became: face the beast, or travel a tunnel small enough that such a beast couldn’t possibly reach her. The best choice became obvious. She stepped into the narrow corridor without another thought.
The hidden passage seemed to stretch forever. Her earlier assessment of it reaching into oblivion increased in accuracy. She wondered how long she would be confined to the narrow space, and couldn’t help but fear it would lead to a dead end.
Then she was blanketed in darkness.
She felt the vibrations in the wooden handle of her torch. Something had dowsed her source of light. Panic burst through her like an instant storm, her heart pounding to the rhythm of her quick, worried breaths. She froze, waiting for the assassin’s killing strike. Waiting for the acid to fall over and reduce her to a puddle of slime. Waiting for the revelation of whatever follows death.
Nothing happened. No glowing eyes in the darkness, no raspy breathing of a nearby predator—simply alone. Her torch died of its own accord. Again the feeling she was unprepared returned, and she wanted nothing more than to be out under the open sky and the warm spring sun. She felt like laughing at her ineptitude as she fished inside her pocket for the firestones, but that would accomplish nothing. Stones in hand, she laid the torch down and struck them together over the wood. The area before her face illuminated briefly with the shower of sparks, but the burnt cloth wouldn’t catch. She tried again and again without success.
“Come on,” she muttered in frustration as she struck the stones together a fourth and fifth time. Still only sparks. The sixth time she looked up. When the shower of sparks rained down to the ground and the corridor lit up for a short second, she noticed something peculiar about the air directly ahead of her. She struck them again. This time her intent was not to light the torch, but to recall the previous vision in case her eyes deceived her. If they had, they deceived her again.
Six inches in front of her face a curtain of speckle-sized objects continuously fell from the ceiling like a waterfall, and disappeared into the floor during the brief flash of light. Both perplexed and amazed, she wondered why her father wished her to keep clear of the caves. They were full of unpredictability and very strange, yet beautiful, things. But her heart was set on the treasure at the end despite the risks along the way. She needed only remember the amethyst alcove to regain her motivation. Ever curious, she dared to extend her arm to feel the mysterious curtain before her. A tingly sensation filled the marrow of her bones as her arm plunged through, and she suddenly felt weightless.
As her eyes adjusted to the darkness she noticed a circle of light hovering in the distance. Daylight, she thought hopefully. It must be. No other light source could feel as bright and inviting. She hated the thought of giving up so soon, but a closer exit would be wise to investigate in case she needed an escape of desperation. If the light provided an exit, she could return to the village and retrieve Caize. The thought of leaving the mountain and returning another time grew more and more tempting. She grabbed the torch and started forward, convinced that the strange ‘curtain’ was harmless.
The torch fell from her grasp as she suddenly dropped through the floor and began to fall down a sort of shaft. A few long seconds passed before she realized she wasn’t falling. She descended lightly, as if riding a current of wind. And it wasn’t a shaft surrounding her. It was a chute, though she didn’t skid along or even touch the walls at all. The ride was smooth, yet full of twists and turns in the darkness. Kaia-mei desperately embraced her courage. She moved so fast she was disoriented most of the time. Her hair flew straight out behind her the whole way, despite that she might have rode the chute back upward at least once. The only thing keeping her from screaming was the fear of something hearing her and taking advantage of her helpless situation. When Kaia-mei was helpless, she didn’t want anyone to know.
And she was indeed helpless.
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BlackOrchid918 reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought it was a very convincing world, it didn’t feel contrived yet it had that sense of familiarity one looks for when venturing into another writer’s fantasy. Your characters were easy to envision and identify with, and the plot was definitely intriguing. Loved your use of imagery especially during the cave scene (which by the way I didn’t think dragged out). The action scene was well-written, although I thought it was too brief (I wanted more _). Your ability to build suspense in your readers is very admirable as I found myself enthralled by what was around the next passageway in that mysterious old cave. Very well-written, I can’t wait to read more.
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this chapter. You write well and your characterization is good.
I didn’t think the cave scene was too long. It didn’t drag, it did give me the sense she’d been in the cave a long time and a sense of how deep she was getting into the cave.
The only issue I see in this chapter it that of point of view shifting. There is a lot of that or head hopping as some people call it. It’s disorienting to the reader to be in one person’s head and then with out warning be in someone else’s head. Stick to one pov per scene. If it’s necessary to change pov put in a line space to alert the reader, but it should be used sparingly. And should flip flop back and forth. Also if you stick to one point of view the scene becomes more powerful.
“And merely talking—learning about each other—was worn down over the years” this isn’t very clear.
“shared an instant connection or because the other children always left them out” Can you be more specific. Why do they have a connection? What kind of connection? What makes them different that would cause the other children to leave them out?
“Caize could tell by the tone of her voice” This is a shift in point of view. Up until now in this scene you’ve have been in Kaia-mei’s pov.
“The battle-ready villagers” Can you be more specific. Are they men, women, both? Are they seasoned warriors, young people?
“Kaia-mei watched the clouds.” POV shift.
The reader could use a description on what a worg looks like. Not everyone knows what a worg is or if you are using the term in the same was as others.
“He shook his head,” point of view shift.
“he keeps forgets” keeps forgetting
“Tchukan Bu!” We could use an introduction to this character. He seems to have popped out of nowhere. Why didn’t her father do the test? Who is this person? Why would he do the test?
“He knew upon first glance” pov shift.
“She wasn’t sure she actually would go alone.” Pov shift.
“his companion couldn’t see the gesture.” Pov shift.
“the promise of death,” This is a little premature isn’t it? Her father was going to take her here, the path is well worn which means it is frequented, and she has only come across one creature so far.
Great ending for the first chapter.
JHW reviewed Version 1 -
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My initial impression, prior to reading the piece, was that this is a long chapter, too long, roughly 40 published pages. At this rate the book would be comprised of 10 chapters if it were standard genre paperback. That was an indication that the pacing was going to be off and that it would be a difficult read. Had I been in the bookstore, this would have been returned to the shelf for that reason alone.
The entire chapter was too long and I get the sense that it never received a single revision. I realize that this is a work in progress but the prose is so rife with grammatical problems (wordiness, sentence structure, verb confusion, split infinitives, unnecessary passive sentences, etc.) that it became a chore to read. When posting a large work for review I think it would work in your favor to post a more finely tuned product. I read the entire 9K+ words but I imagine many abandoned it much earlier. I know I was tempted to.
I don’t want to be entirely negative. At the core of this there is a fascinating world (the manipulated separation of the magical and mundane) and interesting stories to be told. What is Kaia’s destiny that she must undergo this test? Why does the father want Kaia to undergo this test? What is so horrible about the alternative of not being prepared? Unfortunately, the reader has to work very hard to get these questions because there is a lack of direction.
Much of it feels unnecessary and self-indulgent. While it is clear that the author loves his world and his characters, the reader doesn’t get to share in that. I believe that the author had a high-level story idea that they fell in love with and ran with it without conceptualizing story. I would consider a massive rewrite and I would start by ripping out everything that does not serve a function. Try to conceptualize the arguments of your scenes and write them with purpose.
I am sorry if that comes across overly negative. I look forward to reading a honed revision. – Jason
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