Poetry / Breaking Through (Analysis)

really nice flow.  almost too nice. the words seems to flow through my mind too
quickly not leaving an impression.  I had to read the poem a couple of times to
get a feeling for what the poem was about.  I didn’t notice you referred back to
the candle for a couple of reads.

who is looking at this candle?  Is the candle burning alone?  Why was it lit?
who is it waiting for?  what adventures does the light want to see?

I think maybe the candles here throw the reader off as if I am not mistaken you are actually exploring awaking from a bad dream. Or that is what it seems to be to me then maybe the candles symbolise that awakening. Either way I think you left me with the feeling of cobwebs in my head.

Superb rise and fall for this poem. It swept me in and moved me along. Nice pacing and metrics. This reads very well, telling its story crisply and cleanly. There’s not any fluff to choke the scheme, and your imagery is pointed and stark without being overdone. Grand job!

i really liked the flow and the way this poem was written.  you really capture the beauty of the daybreak as the sun first breaks through.  i dont know if thats what you were going for but thats what i got out of it.  nice job.

i love your format, it takes shape of the journey. the entire poem, from the format to the imagery to the short lines creates a snapshot movie in my mind. awesome job, i hope to read more like this in the future :)

Lose the formatting- it does little to add to the poem and actually distracts from the words. I don’t quite grasp where you are going with this piece – there are a lot of little images , but no direction.

This is also somewhat adjective heavy – cut down some of the places where you have two unwieldy adjectives and try a shorter punchy one to mix things up (bludgeoned cloudy dreams  - what does that mean? Bludgeoned doesn’t fit.)

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June 26, 2008

by Sweettouch

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
271	68.7% (131 votes)	26.3%

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43	F	Walsenburg, CO	August 16

I guess you have never had a morbid nightmare and awakened in that state somewhere between “where the hell am I and Oh my God.” I am truly concerned with your ability to get poetry. Not one of my works that you have read do you seem to get or understand. Which is sad because for the most part I write in plain language and am enjoyed by a wide range of readers. Also you seem to think poetry has to conform to what is acceptable. I assure you my writings do not do so. Yet they touch the people. Formatting in this piece does exactly what it is supposed to – jumble the thoughts onto one another and give the feeling of a groggy jolting awakening.

June 26, 2008

by Charisma

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
305	68.1% (166 votes)	31.4%

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38	F	Williamstown, NJ	July 29

I’m sorry I don’t get your obvious genius.  /sarcasm

I won’t get into a poetic credentials fight with you here, just suffice it to say that your vague attempts at insulting me are amusing.

Still recommending you change your descriptions of what you’re looking for to ‘Pat on the Back’

Also hoping that your stuff doesn’t come up in my review queue anymore.

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candlelight scalding sight…what about insulting sight instead.  Scalding is to harsh leaving a feeling of utter blindness.
       bright metallic glare..would fit if that is the remaining vision
      
     images pass before the eyes
     to clamor at the gate…excellent!
a journey of visions…see it is about “visions”  Don’t scar the eyes.
        
I am always amazed how you use and don’t use rhyme in the same piece and it flows so well.

       night burns to dark grey ash…love the color even if it is grey.

of vivid rainbow hues…
You’ve done it again, hopefully you are trying to publish your stuff.  You should add the ratings tab for be seen by a publisher.  I don’t know if that draws a publisher to your poems or not.
Thank you again, it was a pleasure as always!

Break Through reminded me of being trapped within a dream. With all of the twists and turns you’ve succesfully taken the reader on, you are always glad to realize, the terrible visions lingering before your eyes, were nothing more than a dream.    

I really liked this piece.  The style in which it was written adds to the strenght of the poem itself. It had a good meter and flowed easily.

Great poem.  The flow was almost perfect, but there were
a few points where your choice of diction may have
disturbed the flow.
“Nights burn to dark grey ash”
I think you should get rid of the grey or dark or both.
Nights burn to dark ash
Nights burn to grey ash
Nights burn to ash
simplify and get rid of the filler.  
For a beautiful poem you really don’t need any.

And I thought that the lack of punctuation suited
this poem.

cheers.