Journal, Diary, & Blogging / That very Night In Kristina's Room a forest grew, and grew, and grew...
That Very Night,
In Kristina’s Room,
A Forest grew
and grew,
and grew…
And dust fell raising Kristina up into the heavens into a sea of stars that floated and hovered like celestial orbs and she saw for the first time an outsider’s view of her mistakes, her dreams, her passions, her love and most importantly a total outside view of her life as a whole. She saw people who she had loved who had left her, she saw her grandpa on her mother’s side, who had died three years previously She saw the face of her grandmother, who had died ten years ago, she saw the faces of her ex-boyfriends, who loved her . One was missing though Her first was missing, she looked around and seeing no one she continued looking at the rest of her life. She say the novel she was working on currently, finished and printed in hard-backed under the name of moonlitjade. She saw the Depression that was currently tearing a hole in her heart making her feel empty. She saw forbidden love, she saw the almost unattainable dreams she had; she saw the moon where she leaped like a graceful doe ,She saw the titanic not turn to avoid the ice berg but hit it straight on. She saw the reality of it all though she was underwater and the titanic was being eaten away by algae and sea fungus She saw herself finding cures for cancer and medical illnesses of all sort She saw herself as beautiful not after surgery, but as she was. An angel a truly beautiful person, someone who was not looked down upon because she possessed no outward abilities. Nothing to say look at what I can do and have a great thing to the person right away. She saw her self as a truly intimate person who didn’t have to explain why she wrote messages to her mate, rather than speak to him openly. She saw a place with people who didn’t mind the fact that she avoided other’s eyes even when she knew them quite well, a world where avoiding eye contact was not a crime and people let you move at your own pace when it was wanted. Kristina saw her life, its whole sixteen years worth, she saw mistakes, love, passions, dreams, and a view of her life through her eyes and an outsider’s eyes She saw death, all its glory and blindness shattered so that it was nothing more than ordinary She saw far off in the distance a decrepit old man, wrinkles in his chin, so many wrinkles that his chin sagged. He sat cross-legged in clothes that hung from his aged body. His body itself was no more than mere flesh and bones, he sat wearing a sailor’s hat near a small fire He looked up at her and said ”Hello Kristina I’ve been waiting for you to find me again, I knew you would not disown the god of your birth.” Then Kristina was tugged back through the sea of orbs and faces and she knew. She believed.
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SENTENCE STRUCTURE:
The first thing I’ve noticed is simple mechanical errors you seem to be careless on fixing. Your missing periods, having wrong spaces, and misplaced commas. These simple characteristics can distract the reader or find it a bit confusing while reading it.
EXAMPLE REVISION:
She saw people who she had loved who had left her, she saw her grandpa on her mother’s side, who had died three years previously She saw the face of her grandmother, who had died ten years ago, she saw the faces of her ex-boyfriends, who loved her .
She saw people who she had loved who had left her. She saw her grandpa on her mother’s side who had died three years previously. She saw the face of her grandmother who had died ten years ago. She saw the faces of her ex-boyfriends who loved her.
(Be sure to break sentences this down a bit. Combining them converts it into a run on sentence, confusing the reader. Awkward sentence structure may be repulsive to some. On another note, I could revise the whole material if you’d like, but to save credits you could just message me if you’d like. I’m sure you can make these changes on your own.)
CONTENT:
The content is what kept me reading. The material is intriguing. You seem to be offering a self analysis upon yourself. Despite the simple mechanics, you have a strong vocabulary that paints a mural in the reader’s mind. Imagery throughout the piece was stunning. I enjoyed how the allusion you created from the children’s book, “Where the Wild Things Are” and to your own life. I’m sure if I read it I would have a better understanding of this different journal entry. The repetition of “She” beginning with practically each sentence. You’ve addressed yourself in third person which is another interesting factor of the piece. Perhaps you could explain the journal more to me. Don’t misunderstand that as a suggestion. I advise you not to change the content because the mystery is beautiful. I’m only asking on a personal desire.
SUGGESTIONS:
Be sure to proofread your work before you post it on Urbis. There are going to be many grammar and spelling Nazis on your tail if you fail to do so. Just a pleasant warning. You have a talent for words. Don’t let simple mechanics ruin the magic.
Auran
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