Action Adventure / The Path of Destruction (Analysis)
Alyssa slammed her front door behind her, backpack in hand, as she raced toward her brother’s waiting Ford F-350. She saw his lips moving as he yelled at her, but the roaring sound that filled her ears kept her from hearing him. Dust swirled around her in circles, causing her to cover her mouth and nose as she ran. The air around her had a moist, warm feeling even as a harsh cold wind whipped through the area. Above her, dark clouds had started forming while she and her brother tossed all of their equipment into his truck. Now they were ready to go.
She yanked open the passenger door, feeling adrenaline surge through her. She lived for this kind of excitement. Nothing thrilled her more.
“You got the camera?” her older brother Jared demanded.
“Of course,” she replied, slamming the door. No sooner had she done that than Jared peeled out of their driveway, spewing gravel out behind them.
Alyssa clipped on her seat belt, then turned in her seat to stare out at the monstrosity of nature looming up behind them. It filled the whole back window, blotting out the landscape around it and causing her to have to duck down to see the top of it. Alyssa shuddered at the sight of the neighborhoods a few miles away being ripped to pieces, the houses pulled from their foundations, cars disappearing from sight. Soon it would reach her neighborhood. She didn’t know why they bothered to rebuild their house. Each storm season, it seemed a tornado ripped it down.
The tornado moved behind them at a furious pace, traveling to the east. She whipped out their neon green video camera, pushed her sweaty ash-blonde hair out of her face, and started rolling the tape. They tried catching each storm on video, to include as part of their collection.
As they followed the twister, Jared said, “Wow. Look at her. Isn’t that amazing?”
“What a beauty,” Alyssa thought. The twister took her breath away, like always. The power of nature never ceased to amaze her. She and Jared had grown up watching tornados leave marks on their lives, having to run for their storm cellars, even though they would have rather stood outside to watch. The storms fascinated both of them, and they prompted Alyssa and her brother to study meteorology in college to increase their knowledge of storms. Jared’s goal was to become a meteorologist, while Alyssa simply wanted to study them and possibly work for the National Weather Service. She hadn’t decided yet.
“Yes,” Alyssa agreed softly after a few minutes. “Just beautiful.”
Alyssa zoomed in on the twister, chewing on her lip as she did so. She wondered what category she could place this one in. If she had to guess, she probably would have ranked it in the F2 or F3 category. It didn’t exude the fury of an F5, but it had more confidence than an F1 tornado would. If it was an F-3 tornado, it would rip roofs off of houses, tear down multi-story buildings, turn trains on their sides, and do other kinds of considerable damage. In all her years of storm chasing, she had seen many different types of tornadoes and the destruction they caused.
The twister appeared to move slowly, but Alyssa knew that tornados could move up to three hundred miles per hour. That certainly didn’t fall into her slow category. As she stared at it, another funnel dropped from the sky, causing a second tornado.
She let out a gasp and zoomed the camera in on it. She was seeing a multiple vortex tornado! She had seen that type only once in her life, and her heart pounded at the sight of another one. Weathered storm chasers called these kind of tornados “sisters.”
Beside her, Jared sucked in his breath and tightened his hands on the steering wheel. The two of them had been after a tornado when they had seen sisters once, back during their high school years. He had reacted in terror. Now, as she glanced at him, she saw him grit his teeth, and his darkly tanned face seemed to pale at the sight of the sisters. Her brother actually appeared scared.
She turned back in her seat, following the sister with the camera as Jared drove toward the storm. She studied the black and gray sky around it and wondered when the heavens would open up and pour rain down upon them.
Suddenly, heavy rain started falling in huge drops on the windshield. Soon the rain became so dense that Jared had to stop the truck. She heard a sound like golf balls hitting the roof, and she knew the hail had arrived. Alyssa let out a sigh and put the camera in her lap. They couldn’t see a thing.
Slowly the rain eased up, and Alyssa sat up straight in her seat. Her jaw nearly hit the floor in shock. She yanked the camera from her lap as Jared cranked the truck into gear, pushing it to the max.
“Go, go, go!” she yelled, focusing the camera. Fear flew through veins. She’d never felt fear before when chasing a storm. She started pounding her fist on her knee, as if doing so would make Jared drive even faster.
The twister had turned in their direction, bearing down on them with all of its might. For as long as she had done this, not once had a tornado chased her. She chased tornados, not the other way around. As she watched in horror, the second sister seemed to turn to face them also. Now they had both tornadoes coming at them.
“Keep going, keep going!” she shrieked, turning in her seat to see the huge funnel clouds. They looked angry, with their black clouds and wide base. The base of both storms had to be at least two and a half, maybe three miles across at most, making them some of the biggest she had ever seen. Alyssa wondered if they had sucked anything up yet. Nearly every tornado she’d ever seen had picked up lots of goodies, including her house at one point. After chasing that storm, she and Jared had returned to find their house gone, and they discovered it four miles away from its original location. Their town’s warning system had gone off too late that day. As a result, a majority of the town disappeared, along with most of Alyssa and Jared’s family. Alyssa remembered it as a thrilling and horrifying day, one of the worst of her life. That didn’t stop her from following the storms, though.
“Jared, Jared,” she said, not bothering to hide the fear she felt. “They’re getting closer! Much closer!” Her palms started to feel sweaty and she could hear her heart pounding in her ears. She knew they couldn’t outrun the tornado if it got too close. Jared had to get them out of the path now!
“Can you get us somewhere safe?” she hollered as the twister moved even closer.
Alyssa’s hands started to shake and she raked her hand through her hair again, feeling the sweat on her forehead. Would she survive this twister? She’d never gotten this close to one before. She felt like she could reach out and touch it. With a loud squeal of tires, he pulled the truck up next to a ditch. “Get out, get out, get out!”
Alyssa threw off her seat belt and, still carrying the camera, flung herself into the ditch. The foul smelling water that had accumulated in the small trench soaked her shirt and pants immediately. Tall grasses tickled her face as she bent her head down. She didn’t even want to guess what kinds of creatures might make their homes in the dank smelling place.
Her brother dropped down in front of her, and she grabbed his Nike-clad feet and clung on to him tightly. Then she held her breath as the tornado passed above them. The roar was so loud that she almost dropped the camera in the water to cover her ears. Instead, she squeezed her eyes shut very tight and tried to focus on something other than the sound.
When everything became silent, she opened her eyes. Alyssa took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Her heart still pounded away like a jackhammer. She sat up, brushing grasses and other things that had become caught in her hair, climbed out of the ditch, and looked around. Their truck had disappeared. No surprise there. She wondered where they would find it, or if they ever would.
The twisters had vanished as well. The only way one could tell a storm had passed through was the trees that had toppled on their sides. Otherwise, the landscape looked untouched.
Her brother sat up and faced her, his blue eyes wide with fright and excitement. She could see his hands shaking as he made an attempt to push his ear-length brown hair behind his ears. They looked at each other and finally, Jared shook his head.
“That was crazy,” he said. “Talk about an adrenaline rush! I feel exhausted now.”
She grinned. “That was great. Let’s do that again.”
Jared shook his head and stood up. “Come on. Let’s get out of here and see if we can find the truck.”
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This 577 word review has not been unlocked.
It didn’t exude the fury of an F5, but it had more confidence than an F1 tornado would - good sentence
In all her years of storm chasing, she had seen many different types of tornadoes and the destruction they caused. – in all her years of storm chasing, she had seen all categories of tornadoes and witnessed the destruction each caused.
She let out a gasp and zoomed the camera in on it - She looked through the lens in amazement, quickly adjusting the view to capture both tornadoes.
Suddenly, heavy rain started falling in huge drops on the windshield - no sooner did the thought enter her mind when rain begain to fall in huge drops on the windshield
For as long as she had done this, not once had a tornado chased her. She chased tornados, not the other way around - repeated same information
I like the story, but you have a lot of past tense in it. ”had, were, was” I think this will be a good young adult book. I would like my daughter to read it, she is 15 and has an account on here also. The story progesses well and I like the characters. It just needs a little more concentration on tense. I am anxious to read more…
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This 128 word review has not been unlocked.
i enjoyed this story. you have captured the thrilling and exciting parts of storm chasing. I would have enjoyed it more however, if you would have focused more on developing the relationship between Jared and Alyssa. I was unsure if they were brother and sister, or dating. I did however find it easy to continue reading, as you seemed to capture every last detail of the moment. great job, especially the focus on their breathing and heartbeat, as well as having the characters come to life by frantic gestures (hand through the hair etc.)
one last bit of advice, when you describe the two “sister” tornadoes, develop that more, use colorful language and maybe a metaphor to describe it… like two towers of darkness that are ready to wreak havoc on the two characters.
other than that. great story. it was well done.
I don’t think losing one’s family would be thrilling. I think you need to clarify this more. Like explain that part of the day was thrilling with chasing the storm, which turned to horror upon arriving home to find her whole family gone.
Alyssa remembered it as a thrilling and horrifying day, one of the worst of her life.
I’m not sure if anyone would want to face death again seconds after almost being killed, but then I have no desire to chase storms, so maybe a storm chaser would: She grinned. “That was great. Let’s do that again.”
Otherwise, this was excellent. You set the stage for action with the first paragraph and build on the tension, with the climax of the storm almost wiping them out.
This 179 word review has not been unlocked.
Very nice overall. The character’s are a little flat here but I assume this part of a larger piece? I don’t know much about Jared or Alyssa other than they’re brother and sister, Jared has a tan and a truck, they both chase tornadoes and live in a very dangerous area. The action is handled fairly well. A couple of logical lapses (see below) but clear and well-paced for the most part. Good job. I’d read more.
nitpicker’s list:
page 1—In the first paragraph, you don’t need some of the phrases you use to open your sentences. For instance “around her” when speaking of the air and the dust, “above her” etc. that’s pretty well understood. The main thing is that such phrases stand out and call attention to themselves rather than your story.
At the end of page 1, the tornado is in the rear window and behind them, following them. At the opening of page 2, it is suddenly something they are following.
page 2—“Jared’s goal was to become a meteorologist, while Alyssa simply wanted to study them and possibly work for the National Weather Service.” Okay, I see there’s probably a difference but it’s not immediate for me. I had to read this a couple of times to ensure understanding. Perhaps you can make it a little clearer re: weather forecaster, meteorologist, storm chaser, or whatever?
You have some grammatical errors such as ”...rip roofs off of houses…” and you don’t need “of” there but it’s nothing really serious.
page 3—“Her brother actually appeared scared.” This is a little awkward. Shouldn’t he have been?
“Fear flew through veins.” [her} veins? I get what you’re saying but the poetic moment is a bump in an otherwise smooth road here. Maybe another wording? Fear as a current? Adrenaline surging?
page 4—“Her palms started to feel sweaty…” Why not just, “Her palms sweated”? Same for “Alyssa’s hands started to shake…” instead of “Alyssa’s hands shook”. Taking away words like “started” and “began” doesn’t seem like much of a deal but, in action sequences, they really are and they slow the passages down.
page 6—I have a problem with the clear skies at the end. I live in a place where we have loads of storms (Texas Gulf Coast) and usually, when tornadoes pass, we’re still left with rain and nasty weather for a bit. It could be clear, I guess, but might it be more believable if J and A stood in the rain and watched tne funnel clouds move away from them?
You have a very strong talnt for pacing. Yout story flows very well. You obviously know a great deal about tornadoes and their devestating affects. I found myself swept up in your descriptions of the storm (haha! I’m a regular Court Jester!), and some aspects of Jared (e.g. his feigning fearlessness) are quite Human, which makes for some rock solid characters. It’s a great beginning!
But I think you could make it a little better if you focused on showing us the story, rather than telling us. Telling always brings with it the urge to tell TOO MUCH information. For example:
“The storms fascinated both of them, and they prompted Alyssa and her brother to study meteorology in college to increase their knowledge of storms. Jared’s goal was to become a meteorologist, while Alyssa simply wanted to study them and possibly work for the National Weather Service. She hadn’t decided yet.”
This is telling a story. You present the readers with facts about your heroes, Jared and Alyssa. Some of them, such as Alyssa’a vaguely formulated plans to work for the Park Service, do nothing to advance your story. What you are doing is relating to us every detail about this character as you have fleshed her out in your own mind. But the reader is not yet invested enough in the character to care about her career choices. This slows your readers down with details which bore him and do nothing to help you, the writer, construct a good plot.
It is more effective to create a scene and allow the CHARACTERS to speak and act in such a way that you show the reader what’s going on. This is the trick to writing good prose: Show, don’t tell. Read back over what you have written and ask yourself if you see anything which could be explained in a scene between your characters, rather than you telling the reader about it.
You have obvious talent,and if you keep going you can certainly be a writer. Best of luck now and in the future!
The action was fast paced and the descriptions were great. Your writing style made the reader feel as if they were apart of the story. My only gripe was I would have like a little more on the back story. They lost a house and some relaitves. Who were the relatives? How die they lose them? (i’m assuming death) but it could be because they continue to chase tornadoes against their wishes. (just a thought) other than the story was amazing!!! love the descriptions of the tornadoes.
This was exciting to read. The Author has enough knowledge of weather to bring the excitement to the reader. Three hundred miles an hour. Wow, that is fast. I had no idea. Informative as well as educational. Exciting with a thrill. I liked this alot.
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