thanks for your review and crits, i did intend on jumping from each one of the emotions that you so adequately defined! the transition is ment to be sporadic along with the rhyme, symbolzing through the poem the rough journey that has realisticly occured, the ajar ending is left the way it is because the affilation of the two remains unfinished and uncertain,
thanks again hope this clears soem things up, thanks for your praises,
Carson
Poetry / you (Analysis)
I’ve only missed you as flowers have the sun,
Only counting the agonizing tics as teasing but strategic crits.
How you wind up my arm and to my heart
Such a predetermined but passionate art.
I can write a masterpiece pieced with you my dear
Master lover, my candle and my sear.
Your lips ever somber and beckoning
How could such courtship relieve in any fashion other than grasping hands?
Our toes buried in a time-sustained sand.
I said I love you baby,
Now run to me as enforcement runs to Lazy.
And let your flower full hair, scented with tulips and chimneys,
Release the smug into the air.
Unbound from the soul shackle that claims such infamousity
Your senseless verbosity takes maniacs through labyrinths,
A choreographed stunt, any intellect would marvel at such accurateness.
This sudden hunt, history prevails in such told myths and love tales.
It’s the minute humbleness
And willful succumbing, your beautiful somberness
and fate fueled forthcoming. I adore you dear,
Down to the whisper of your eyes, the triumph of the will to persevere.
The smite of jealousy, and star driven hope of mine.
Its always been you, the indifferent blind one to shine,
Against all odds, David favored and seemingly scarred,
We still stand, resilient and faith backed, screaming memories!
Hand in hand, unremarkable pizzazz, regretless, and certain instantly.
You’re worth it baby, every argument and admitted tear,
Its only you, the indescribable way your presence persists I feel.
I wish you could read my hearts multiple notes addressed to you,
This mystery nothing new, wrongly understood, you’re just too cute.
Keep it up everyone, debt free and scornfully sarcastic,
Deserving and ignorant, an idiot world, love souls dancing so sporadic
Reign over me darling, I don’t mind,
You truly are a marvel, lets follow the signs,
Fate is no crime.
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ConfusedConundrum13 reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the poem, it sounds as if you were broken up or split apart for some reason. it gives people something to think about. love is hard to explain and you did a very good job considering it is a confusing emotion.
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Shadowwolf5191 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow… this is amazing the way you describe everything is perfect i can feel what you are trying to describe
gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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First, maybe a new original title.
Stanzas please, unless it was posted “wrong”. This is a long poem and needs stanzas so it isn’t daunting to the reader.
I like the word “crits” and the capitalization of “Lazy.” After studying the poem I don’t know what “crits,” means, but I like it. Plays along with “sear.”
Nice play on words “seer,” (sear). Seer being something of the future and “sear being burned in a relationship?
“Time-sustained sand,” is confusing as is “David.” Is David a reference to the biblical King?
Cut and slash, reduce to stanzas. You have a great poem going here. Blessings, Gregory.
Orelius reviewed Version 1 -
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As with every comment I begin with this statement: Take anything I say with a grain of salt. I’m not an expert.
1. Potential. Heaps and heaps of potential. As I was reading this I saw/felt/heard (however you want to take it) a distinct voice that was sort of lost along the way. “Our toes buried in a time sustained sand” beautiful line and in it I can see…something, what? I don’t know. But after that it seems to fade a little, more and more like you were forcing your thoughts out because you said to yourself: Must. Write. Poem!
2. You might want to work on transitions just the tiniest bit. Unless you meant for it to jump from one thought and emotion to the next? This is what I read: Longing..then suddenly Infatuation…then it jumped to Lust….then slight jealousy…culminating in a sort of calm “Oh well” shrug kind of feeling. If that’s what you were feeling when you wrote this: Perfect! Don’t change a thing! If you were trying to go for a little something else…erm…maybe a little revison would be good.
3. Rhythm…ummm…yeah…there was rhyme! (Then it vanished.) Then I spotted it again! (Then it evaporated entirely) Then I saw it again!...hmmm…intended?
4. It leaves me hanging.
Soooo..yeah…that’s about it. I see potential. Gobs of it. Keep it up.
wise2owls reviewed Version 1 -
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What a beautiful love poem. You must love this person desperately to be so passionate about him/her. `History prevails in such told myths and love tales, what a power this person has in loving you. The descriptions that you give on how much you care about this person is right here. Wonderful, thank you for reaffirming that love is here.
sagittarius1212 reviewed Version 1 -
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I LOVE THIS POEM… IT IS IRONIC BUT I CAN SO IDENTIFY WITH THIS RIGHT NOW AND IT CAPTURED MY ATTENTION FROM THE FIRST VERSE. THE IMAGERY IS WONDERFUL. THERE IS NOTHING THAT I WOULD CHANGE. GREAT JOB!!
saidthegirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this has to be one of the best poems I have read on Urbis in awhile. Personally I love the fact that you have the ability to write a long steady poem. It does not go off track or has a mixture of different dialects. Your words are carefully placed and chosen. I dont know if it took you awhile to write this or it just comes naturally. Either way I think its awesome :)
sweetcreativity reviewed Version 1 -
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”...I adore you dear,
Down to the whisper of your eyes, the triumph of the will to persevere. “
Beautiful line. The use of ‘whisper’ is a woooonderful choice of descriptors and the rhyme was not a distraction. I commend you on that, in fact, as I’m often turned off easily by rhyme in poetry; yours never seemed forced.
“I wish you could read my hearts multiple notes addressed to you, “
This could be part of someones wedding vows it’s so supple and ripe and perfect. I can feel the care and attention, the love and dedication within that line.
I felt, though, that the last 6 or so lines of the poem really lost their momentum and kind of left me feeling jaded, as though someone threw a curtain up and told me I wasn’t allowed to see the finale of the movie I had gone to see.
All in all, quite wonderful and beautiful. Keep up the good work.
-Melissa
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