Poetry / Jim (Analysis)
Try to sleep and yet I see you.
Seems like when you left a part of me did to.
I try to smile with the crowd.
But it seems like im full of doubt.
My mind goes blank I feel numb.
When will my chance finally come.
I try to call you forgeting of your fate.
Then I cry because the calls always to late.
Went to see you where you lay.
Wish I could touch you even for a day.
Remembering your breath against my cheek.
The past is just so bleak.
Wishing I could go back in time.
Maybe press stop or rewind.
Wish I could see you smiling back at me.
But now a tombstone is all I see.
Thinking of your hair covered in curls.
I didnt even care about all of the other girls.
Sometimes I feel I cant go on.
Because without you life seems so long.
As I lay here at your grave.
I wonder when will come my day.
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My condolences, you loved this person very much. You have such passion in your mourning for him. The descriptions of how many ways things remind you of him. The power of your poem is great. Thank you.
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I’m sorry to say, I feel for you, but now you have to get back on your feet and grab the only thing you really have – this current moment, and build with it whatever you can. Hopefully your memories will start to integrate with the present.
And don’t get me wrong. I feel you, and even though you’re probably thinking, wow this guy has got really got a stick up his ass, I don’t mean to attack you in a pressing way. What I’m really trying to say here is that, yes, we feel loss, and yes all our minds want to do is stay in the past – and feel comfortable – but that is not “reality”. Reality is now, and those past moments that were so great? Well those were nows once too.
And if you can’t find any new love, I’m sorry. Life is hard. But it doesn’t seem like you’re the type of person who can’t find new love. So get up, get out, and live your life again!
Given the nature of your loss I will try to put my critique of your piece as delicately as possible. I will need your help though. I need you to try for a moment to separate what I say from your grief, as what I have to say about your piece is strictly about your writing alone and should be kept that way. I am sorry for your loss and have no intent of mockery.
While I found your piece okay, I feel it lacks the power of the true emotion of loss. I’m not saying you don’t feel the grief, I just do not feel it comes across in your poem. One reason, I feel your rhyme scheme feels forced. And the tempo you try to keep also feels like you pushed through it.
Also some of the line beats are off. Both of these problems can be solved by a read aloud. You may even want someone else to read it to you (since it is always easier to hear problem areas if someone is reading it aloud for the first time and you listen.)
Best of luck.
i love the poem, ive written one similar to it myself and i just dont have the guts to put it on, cause its just so personal and i cnt share it… i really envy you the courage to share those feelings with the rest of us, i really wish that i could do the same. its written really well and you get the feelings through clearly. i just feel that you stop the flow of the poem if you put a full stop at the end of each line. its all up to you though
thankyou very much
xl13dj13x
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