I keep a close watch on this heart of mine.
It has a mind of its own.
At times it aligns it self with parts that my spine controls.
The in depth reaches of parts that hold speaking seem to become meek when my heart starts to seek them.
So excuse my low flow.
It may seem like I’m muttering or stuttering to start.
Parts of my heart are fluttering.
Struggling to keep my cover complete.
Compose my souls desires despite denial keeping me weak.
I frequently seek ways to compete with the grasp it seems to have after we meet deep in the sheets.
Of paper.
Where my words hold your favor.
Savored, unique and complete.
Miraculously major.
I play my piece and retreat.
Back to a time when my mind can spout some desirable speech.
But what comes out my mouth seems to inspire your feet to get up and leave me confused tired and beat.
Conforming to a mold that Im not trying to be. So heres my passionate reaction.
Summarized with goodbye.
Signed “Discreet Desires Denying Defeat”
Ill see you next time.
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WOW! I really enjoyed that. The flow was odd, like a stuttering that you mentioned , a bit of a struggle to read but well worth it. I really loved the “of paper” line, I thought that was very clever. I think I liked to flow actually, because it ’s almost as if the flow makes you feel what your saying. It’s jumpy when you say you are stuttering and it runs on when you say you are tired. Very interesting!
i like this. The clarity is pretty good but i got confused a little and I am not sure where, I think I am confused about whether you are actually seeing this person or just writing to her, like in email, etc. you could tighten the clarity up with some additional words or replace some of the words with ones that are definite. The imagery is pretty much the same for me as the clarity and could be better as well using the above suggestions. The poem in itself though is good and I love this part:
Where my words hold your favor.
Savored, unique and complete.
Miraculously major.
I play my piece and retreat.
But please tell me are you writing lyrics then since you say “I will play my peace and retreat”?
If that is the case then I understand it a little better but you might still go over it just to see if you can make it more understandable.
Donna
“At times it aligns -it(s)- self with parts that my spine controls.”
“Conforming to a mold that -I(’)m- not trying to be.”
“So -here(’)s- my passionate reaction.”
“I(’)ll- see you next time.”
Lines 4-10-and 17 are written way out of breath.
I suggest rearranging the line breaks to make them more even and within reasonable breath.
You absolutely know what alliteration is about
Breaking this into stanzas woulde help the reader
especially the very long lines.
the two word 11th line is awkward with the other 10 long lines
I like the inner ryhme, muttering, stuttering, fluttering, paper, favor
The first line is from Johnny Cash’s “I Walk the Line,” so you need to credit him.
I think you have great talent but would like to see you condense this.
Bravo. GBA
not sure what you mean by ‘i play my piece’ but it sounds dirty. if you’re gonna start with a johnny cash quote you should credit it. it’s easy to get tonguetied around girls, which makes it unlikely that you’ll get to do any tonguing. practice, practice. nice work.
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