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Poetry / Living on Borrowed Time
I’m awakened once more to reality;
Pain returns me from sleep it brought.
A “cry myself to sleep” mentality;
A vain attempt to bury the thought.
In her absence nothing makes sense;
It is day, but my world seems as night.
This pain has destroyed my defenses;
Tears fall as shadows hold me tight.
I gaze at my hands, crimson consumed;
Covered in blood no one can see.
And neither can I, it is assumed;
But the blood was always real to me.
Scarlet hands remind me of the day;
When her love for me was tested.
Her precious life was taken away;
And this terrible pain infested.
She’s remembered only by a stone;
In a field where many more lay.
A place that I always visit alone;
Every day, where I kneel and pray.
Her sacrifices may be in vain;
I don’t think I can pantomime.
I can’t handle this horrible pain;
It hurts living on borrowed time.
Every day I search for a reason;
Why she gave her life for mine.
But time does fly season by season;
And no answers come to my mind.
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inxthexpinesx reviewed Version 2 -
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i really like your line “cry myself to sleep mentality” but the rest just doesnt seem to show me anything. You seem to convey messages very well but you seem to struggle with sustainfull imagery. Your subtle rythming is catchy but is also distracting because it is not rythmic but is seemingly random. I an relate to this poem and i think that it has a good universal theme, i just wish you could portray this theme more metaphorically so as to really highlight the perspective your telling it from. the ending of this poem is wonderful, i think that if you just kept the last three verses you could have a really nice piece of work here. Im sorry you had to experience such a horrible tragedy and im happy that you can express your feeling through writing. Keep on writhing and im sorry if this review started out a little severe. :)
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00_Doughboy reviewed Version 2 -
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I love the way the ABAB rhyme scheme seems so natural in the second and third stanzas that you don’t even really notice it rhymes, but it does. The others are more obvious, but those two I especially liked.
The theme of guilt and loss is very complex, and very well represented in this poem. We don’t know how the woman died exactly, but the references to blood and hands “crimson consumed” lend a pretty disturbing and violent visual, so we know it wasn’t an easy way to go which makes the narrator’s pain that much more unbearable. Rhetorical questions arise like they always do and are met with the cold, equally unbearable silence of the night. Very sad, but good poem.
JessicaHumiston reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m left feeling introspective and dizzy. I’m not sure what really happend. Very well written, will read again.
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this but i find its meaning ambigious. One can interpret in two ways: Either the mother died while giving birth or that he is responsible for causing the death of a woman he loves. Either way it is powerful. Blue eyes is a good writer. I The invisible blood on his hands that only he can see is telling, It seems like he was responsible. Being that he wants to “bury the thought” means that any way you cut it he feels responsible somehow. A very interesting piece which got my attention enough to want to decipher it. Thats what a good poem or written piece does; either it informs or titliates. Good luck. I hope you sell it and make a million of it. Best of luck. Sandi.
CarsonLeonhardt reviewed Version 2 -
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I can see why the orginal version was award winning, a very strong and compelling poem with very powerful imagery! I would like to read the original version the one you wrote. But all in a very good poem i appreciated the rhyme scheme and structure of the whole poem, i belive these small stanzas elongate the poem and successfuly add more suspense. good work
cheers
Carson
starbourne reviewed Version 2 -
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Wonderfully written(or should I say re-written?)! This reminded me of my deceased Aunt and I even shed a tear. Definitely one of my favs.
JessicaBrynJ reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow. I really really like this. The end was shocking and powerful. It was kinda hard to find the rhythm, but other than that this poem rocks.
TiffVicious reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow! You are an amazing talent. This is beautiful in every sense of the word. You blew me away. This should be published already. These are my favorite lines
“I gaze at my hands, crimson consumed;
Covered in blood no one can see” Its genius. It really spoke to me! Thanks.
queenparky reviewed Version 2 -
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nice.. but i’m puzzled why you would re-write or allow someone else to re-write an award winning poem?
Its a great poem though
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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The rhyme scheme is terrific and extremely tight; not an easy task to pull off. One suggestion: If you are going to go with the end rhymes as you have chosen, then I would definitely work on the meter of the lines. Try to make it so that at least the rhyming lines have a similar tempo or syllable count. The piece will flow a bit better when read. Otherwise it’s a bit clumsy to read. Try reading the poem out loud, and you should be able to pick out which lines don’t quite fit. The two biggest offenders that I see are the last line in stanza two, which is too long, and the last two lines in stanza six, with the second to last line being too short, and the last line too long. I wish that I could do a complete revision for you to show you what I mean, but Urbis seems to frown on that since copy/paste costs too many credits. Either way, I still enjoyed this poem. Nice work. :)
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