Hey hey… hope we’re happy with this. I trust we are happy with this, aren’t we Sandrilene?
Action Adventure / Sword Cat - Prologue
Prologue
Pearson Dunlevy — known to those who mattered as The Major — stood at a set of floor to ceiling windows watching the town go by. His offices consisted of the entire top-most floor of the building belonging to Craft Industries. Craft Industries — known to the public as a video game research development and manufacturing facility — was really a front for an organization called Sword Cat. Sword Cat, one of the largest criminal organizations to take up residence in the Bay Area was always seen as second best to the Triads and the Yakuza, two of the most widely known criminal organizations. But things had changed. The Major was running things now. Sabotage, infiltration, counter intelligence, assassination…Sword Cat — with The Major at the head — had a hand in it all.
The Major returned to his desk and picked up the folder containing his newest project. He leafed through it for the fifth time, checking details and his notes for any changes to be made. He had to admit, it really was a thing of genius and the pay was adequate, to say the least. The client had proposed a reward of ten million dollars — half now, half later — for a project status of complete. Not to mention a little bonus if things went smoothly. Even faced with that amount of money, he had hesitated. That is, until he read the words “by any means necessary”. At that point, he knew they were already in business. No one was better than him at what he did, and the only thing that would’ve improved the project was if he had thought of it himself. It really was his lucky day.
The Major leaned back in his chair and folded his hands. The bright shining sun caught his eye and he turned towards the windows, smiling to himself. It was time to set things in motion.
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Russell_Parkway reviewed Version 2 -
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 2 -
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slam710711 reviewed Version 2 -
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catluckey reviewed Version 2 -
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This is interesting. You start out well naming the antagonist. The set up is good too. Just some wording needs a tweek or two.
stood at a set of floor to ceiling windows… For less awkwardness, change to stood at a set of windows from floor to ceiling.
watching the town go by… town go by is confusing. Maybe say what he’s actually seeing…people dotted like pepper, cars small like a child’s Hotwheels…etc…something of that effect.
But you’ve got a good start here. First drafts are always the roughest (most times).
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youngwriter92 reviewed Version 2 -
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I like it, my intrest level for this story would be around an eight. i’ve got to read more.
Enigma28 reviewed Version 2 -
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Their isn’t enough here. I think that what you have here has potential, I myself am a fan of the assasin stories and am writing one myself so as soon as I read Yakuza and assasination I was interested. That being said I don’t think that many other people will be, they may not even know what yakuza is especially young adults. I do think that this has great potential to be an awesome story, but for other people to see that and to keep interest I think you should definitely write more, give us a hook.
Keep me posted.
Jodie
Korp reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the name, though I’m a little disappointed the story won’t have fighting ninja cats. For a criminal organization, though, Sword Cat seems like an odd name. It’s just kind of random.
It’s a fine beginning, but I don’t like the presumed villain being named “Mr. P.” It sounds a bit cheeseball to me.
“world domination”
Really? Even for criminals, that sounds a bit ambitious.
“heat typhoon”
This is an odd image, since typhoons involve water, and water isn’t usually associated with heat. Was this intended?
”...that option, played hooky…”
Comma isn’t needed.
”...choice of the day. Along with…”
Combine those two sentences.
Claire_D reviewed Version 1 -
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A brief prologue with enough intrigue to hold the reader’s interest, permeated by some flaws which I hope to be of some assistance with:
“cars…heat” = I am unsure about the cars ‘swaying’ here, in the same sense that a structure might appear hazy on the horizon and have this effect. I am sure it is possible, but somehow it did not ring true to me as an expression.
“profiting…” = I found this section a wretch to make sense of… are the birds lucky because they can fly away from the sweltering weather of the inner-city? Surely their flight would bring them closer to the sun, thus making their plight worse. If you are referring to migration to colder climes, then I see what you mean.
“heat typhoon” = this expression is cute, but I felt that to use it seriously would be a mistake.
“they…. years” = are we still referring to the birds here? The POV change to the as-yet-unannounced protagonists is a clumsy one, as you do not introduce them at all in this little potion of the introduction. I would change this to a general observation from your third person omnipresent narrator.
“just/almost” = little words that slow down the pace and show the writer’s indecision.
“option,” = lose the comma here.
“took… stride” = took it all in their stride.
“arts… playtime” = a confusing choice of words to describe children at play… arts and crafts are usually the reserve of older, more experienced adults that little children. Perhaps refer to a specific pastime kids love… i.e. video games or TV.
“the streets… people” = you can lose this observation, it is stating the obvious
“foot traffic” = not an expression I am familiar with, perhaps ‘human traffic’ or some such phrase, although we know it is crowded as you have just told us.
“lattes” = lattés
“scarves…” it feels as though you are going to extraordinary lengths to describe the weather, and the result sounds unintentionally humorous, like a circumlocutory Douglas Adams skit. We are aware it is very warm, what ever you write after this is tautologous.
“the weather was great” = having described what seemed like abysmal heats, you turn the tables and describe the weather as fantastic… I think a little work on the consistency needs to be done here
“her read” = he read
“project,” = lose comma
“shinning” = shining
The second page, when you get into the intrigue of the piece, is much better written. It contains that all-important hook for the reader that I feel the ‘hot day’ scene fails to provide. I would suggest revising the first part of this short prologue and keeping what is essential to sustain the excitement of the piece.
Best of luck,
Claire_D
JHW reviewed Version 1 -
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Quick and easy to read but I feel that it did not capture my attention fast enough. The setup of the sweltering summer day was nice but slightly overdone. This line is frustrating to the reader because it is obvious: Scarves had been left at home and sweaters were nowhere in sight. The revelation and conflict grabbed my attention. I would have preferred more of that and less of the summertime setup. It also gave me the impression of being a chapter beginning rather than a prologue. Perhaps my opinion will change when I get to read chapter one. Look forward to it. – Jason
Sharon reviewed Version 1 -
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Isn’t Piper generally a woman’s name?
“That is, until her read the words…” That’s, ”...he read the words…”
“The brightly shinning sun…” That’s, “The bright, shining sun…”
In the first sentence of the first paragraph, I’d cut the word “California”. Most people know San Francisco is in California. If the name of the town was Andover, I’d suggest letting the reader know the state it’s in. It’s like saying, “People are walking the streets of New York City, New York today.”
If I were in a bookstore looking for a book about the sabotage, world domination, counter intelligence and assassination, and I picked your book up and read the first two paragraphs, I’d put it down and move on.
You go into so much detail about the heat and the people on the streets and the children playing hookie and you fail to mention any kind of action at all. The first paragraph is dedicated solely to describing the weather conditions. The second paragraph goes on to describe what people are wearing and drinking to stay cool. Unless the heat typhoon causes a blackout that has something to do with Mr. P’s contract to kill, why do you put so much description into it?
What does Mr. P look like? How old is he? How long has he been in the business? Is he alone in his office right now? Does he have slicked-back hair and a trim beard? Does he feel giddy when a contract to kill comes through? Does he touch his gun with his fingertip as he considers how he’s going to kill the guy? Does he go home at the end of his day to a loving wife and child who are oblivious to his line of work, or does he live alone and drink a lot? None of these questions are answered in your prologue, but I have a clear idea of how hot is today and what the insignificant people below are dealing with it.
Just a suggestion… Cut out half of paragraph one and delete paragraph two completely. Jump in with the detail about Mr. P. Maybe he’s looking down at the masses in the street thinking to himself how puny they are, how insignificant they are and how he rules the city. I don’t know, but mention Mr. P in the first paragraph.
Good luck with it.
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