I am a former soldier and this story is meant to highlight experiences one has out of basic training where the idea of killing is constantly driven into one’s head and normalized. I am curious what you mean it needs to be built upon. Are you saying I need to write more or that the ending is weak. I appreciate your review.
Horror / It felt good
It felt good. It felt good to have my palm wrapped around the handle, and my index finger firmly holding the trigger. I knew that it was unloaded, but nonetheless I felt a sense of power. In my hands I held a machine that was capable of destroying a life. With the pull of one finger I had the power to make a decision on who would live and who would die. Granted I would have to aim it correctly and pull it before someone did the same to me.
Anyway it was my first time holding any real gun, much less a full on assault rifle. All I had to do was join the Army, sign away three years of my life, and now they would on occasion allow me to handle instruments of death. I wasn’t necessarily interested in killing, but then again I couldn’t help but be fascinated by it. Drill Sergeants made war seem like sport, and that I was always going to be on the winning team; team that was better and faster then everyone else, with a cause righteous.
During training exercises I often thought of killing. Lying in my self-dug trench, having been ordered to await a non-existent enemy, I was left with little else to do. There would be no attack, and the only imminent threat was being caught sleeping by one of my superiors.
Thus to stave off the call of sleep I kept my left eye closed and my right eye looking through the sites of my rifle. Scanning the horizon and holding the trigger firmly, I imagined the “enemy” charging towards me from the distance. I would aim at my perceived assailant, squeeze the trigger of my unloaded rifle, and see him eternally drop in the distance. Imagining I had played the role of “God” with absolutely no discretion.
I wondered whether my initial feelings would be excitement or disgust. Would I feel a sense of accomplishment and glory as I watched my bloody first kill fall to the green grass, a sense of relief that it was him and not me, of would I simply be impressed? Then again maybe I would feel guilty. Perhaps a former sense of morality would take hold of me, causing me to feel remorse, and hatred towards myself.
Somehow I doubted that my initial reactions would be negative. Likely a certain amount of time would have to elapse before I would attempt to grasp the gravity of my actions, then maybe the guilty feelings would arrive. I would then be forced to search for moral justifications to my actions. I would have to convince myself that I was still worth something, that I was a good human being still. Ideas such as “it was me or him,” “it was my job,” “for country” would undoubtedly enter my mind. Nevertheless, no matter how well I explained away my sickly guilt for ending the life of another, I would always secretly know that I had taken pleasure in the act. That in the moment I had enjoyed destroying a life.
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TiffVicious reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all I would suggest a title change. Aside from that I love this story. I love the morbid and dark thoughts of a “hero” I think you did a great job at delivering your message with clarity and insight. It feels complete as is, but could be added to if you decided. Its great!
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goofygoober168 reviewed Version 2 -
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First off, this isn’t exactly horror. Not saying it isn’t good…just misplaced.
It is interesting, though. I’d like to see something like this along with one or two more ‘journal’ type pieces--thoughts on training, then on being sent OS or to the ‘battle zone’...and finally to the moment this mentions--the first kill.
As for this piece--it comes across real and ‘in your head’ and that makes the reader--ie, me—want more, as I mentioned above.
Keep working! Kudos.
SymphonyMarie reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting concept. It felt like an excerpt from a novel. The narrator’s voice seemed to change between the first and second part. I’m not sure if I like it that way, or if it should connect more. I thought it was ironic that he said he was not interested in killing, and then goes on to fantasize about it for the rest of the piece.
“bloody first kill” > “first bloody kill” (Up to you, I just think this way it flows better, but it could be a matter of preference.)
Rather than ideas, what about thoughts? (Referring to “Ideas such as”.)
Also, I think you don’t need to repeat “It felt good”. Just take out the first and leave the second. Otherwise, the reader reads the title, the first, and then the second, reading that single sentence a total of three times.
DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice opening lines; good hook.
‘I would aim… drop in the distance.’ %{color:red}Great line, very effective
for atmosphere, or perspective of the MC’s mind and daydream ‘fantasies’.%
‘Somehow I doubted…’ Another effectiv line that stood out to me.
Typo: ’’...of would I simply…’ {color:red} or would I…?
‘former sense of morality’ This makes it sound as if his morality is already a thing of the past, when he is only speculating at what he might feel after his first kill. I would probably just omit ‘former’. But you could also do something like, ‘Perhaps my morals would then grasp me’...horrid, off the top of my head, but it makes my point I do hope :)
I can feel the narrator’s sense of power and thrill at holding a weapon that offers the God complex the MC struggles with on first contact. I think it may be a more effective point if, when you say ’...make a decion on who would…’ you replaced the would with could it would seem to emphasize the MC’s point on who was ‘allowed’ tolive (at his commnd with his death giver). Also, you did a really good job of portraying the MC’s slight delusion brought on by a vivid, over active imagination.
%{color:red}The Comma KNazi has arrived ;P
’...,but nonetheless I felt a sense…’ comma before and after ‘nonetheless’ IMPO you could also drop the comma before ‘but’
‘Anyway it was…’ comma after anyway
’...they would on occasion allow…’ before on and after occasion
‘Thus to stave off the…’ after ‘Thus’
‘Likely a certain…’ %{color:red}After ‘Likely’
I can feel the narrator’s sense of power and thrill at holding a weapon that offers the God complex the MC struggles with on first contact. I think it may be a more effective point if, when you say ’...make a decion on who would…’ you replaced the would with could it would seem to emphasize the MC’s point on who was ‘allowed’ tolive (at his commnd with his death giver). Also, you did a really good job of portraying the MC’s slight delusion brought on by a vivid, over active imagination.
Thanks for the read!
bterickson reviewed Version 1 -
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This story flows okay and everything but it’s kind of like hearing a monotone sound. It pretty much only mentions this guy’s thoughts on killing. In my opinion you can develop the character to share some reasons for the desire, some back story. Was he bullied or abused? Who does he really want to inflict pain on? I hope you take it further.
B.
the_antagonist reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the narration. It was as if the narrator was pondering what to eat for lunch, except instead he was pondering the potential of killing another human being. It created a nice creepy environment. It begins well and definitely needs to be built upon beyond this. I offer a word of caution, however, if you’re going to be writing about any branch of the military. I think it will be nearly impossible if you’ve never actually been in or worked with the military before (I say this as a civilian with a currently enlisted brother who is always telling me stories and veteran parents who have very sparingly told me stories). It’s very hard to recreate that on paper if you’ve never actually been there in the first place.
If you are unfamiliar with the military, however, I do think this story could be taken in a different direction and still be effective. It’s up to your creative license, but it can be done. Good start.
sjvance reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow, this is good. ” I wasn’t necessarily interested in killing, but then again I couldn’t help but be fascinated by it.” – wonderful example of what would go on in the mind of a soldier.
“Would I feel a sense of accomplishment and glory as I watched my bloody first kill fall to the green grass, a sense of relief that it was him and not me,” good descriptions throughout of the conflict of feelings one might have in this circumstance.
I want to read more of this, the story line is good, minimal grammatical errors, easily picked up at editing. The thought processes of your character are excellent. Good job.
Sharon reviewed Version 2 -
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The sentence that starts out… ”Drill Sergeants made war seem like sport…” is awkward. I’d consider revising.
I like your sentence about playing the role of God with no discretion.
”...my bloody first kill…” I’d suggest, “my first bloody kill”. The way you have it written reads like a British guy is saying it. I guess mine does too, but the ‘kill’ is bloody, the ‘first’ is not bloody.
“feel remorse, and hatred” cut the comma.
““for country”” I’d suggest, “I did it for my country” or at least, “for my country”
” That in the moment I had enjoyed destroying a life.” I’ve read this line three times and it doesn’t make sense. It’s a fragmented thought I think and needs revision.
I like the story your words tell. You have a nice writing flow and your words go well together. It’s a strong sentiment you are dealing with. It’s a thought that probably goes through most military men’s minds at least once. Good luck with it.
Hey27love_hey reviewed Version 2 -
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this piece was absolutely amazing. Im not really one for army stuff, it bores me. but i was drawn in and with every word my passion for reading the next grew stronger.
i love when you read something like this, because halfway through the first page i thought “oh no, He’s trying to be God”, and when it was confirmed i knew that i read exactly what i was meant to read, and that i interpreted it correctly.
Its like readin a quote that you we totally meant to read, like you’ve been wanting to say exactly what the quote says, but you cant find the words.
Amathine reviewed Version 2 -
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I really like how your sentences are choppy with the commas, it helps to build the suspense that s/he’s almost making themselves frantic, nervous. It sounds like an excerpt from a personal account from battle. You really paint the picture here with the blood on the grass and sitting in a trench. The only thing that caught me off guard was it being under horror. It does show the horror of what humans could actually enjoy, but it doesn’t fit the genre well.
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