You were the first to catch that spelling error, thanks.
Poetry / The Forever Song
Play that eternal Song with me.
Pluck the strings of flesh,
quivering with quickening ecstacy.
Sing with gasping notes:
a half-heard harmony for our ears alone.
Beat those drums:
a percussion of pounding pulse and energy.
And dance that dance
of sweat slicked skin
and writhing limbs
that lasts forever
in just one night.
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B_HDouglas reviewed Version 2 -
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Seems like a rock concert? Then “Song” was capitalized, “strings of flesh”,so I got the compassion you were aiming for. Unclear at first.
It is nice when we can justify a theme metaphorically. It is not always practical, but I feel you do a good job once the similarities come forth. I didn’t like “gasping notes”, it sounds desperate, and unattached.
I love the ending, it resolves the question of “where do we go from here?”, since it only lasts one night. Keeps me interested, too, so good job.
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Runatyr reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the line breaks and the punctuation here. While I don’t use colons much in my verse, I think you have used them effectively.
It is, perhaps, a bit too non-specific to have much impact. Capitalizing “Song” for effect is a bit heavy-handed. Its position in the poem as something of a Platonic form and a representation of physical intimacy is assured sans capitalization.
You might also hyphenate “sweat-slicked” for clarity.
A bit more detail regarding the people involved in the “dance” would help. Perhaps we could be shown the shape of an ear, the contours of a stomach, etc… and they could still be brought in with figurative language that places them within the structure of the orgasmic song. Placement, too, could help. A summer evening in May, for instance, would give the reader something concrete that would also imply spring, heat, rebirth, even copulation. An underdeveloped example, but I suppose you see what I mean.
Good work, in any case. I like the form and the subject matter is wrapped tightly in the poem’s dance conceit.
Wendy reviewed Version 2 -
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I really enjoyed reading your poem ” The Forever Song ”.
I did notice a few things you might want to watch.
You Capitalized the S in (Play that eternal Song with me.)
A simple mispell of ecstacy. ecstasy is the dictionary spelling.
I make those mistakes as well. Nothing big!
Other than that I really look forward to reading more of your work.
Nicely done.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 2 -
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Why is [S]ong capitalized in L1? To emphasis that this is a different, special sort of song? I think the reader can tell by the rest of the poem that this is not a ‘sing in the shower’ song so it probably does not need capitalization. but that is just me.
Also – I question the word choice ‘eternal’; sadly most sexual encounters do have quite definitive beginnings and endings. However I did find one definition ‘tiresomely long’ (now I know that is NOT what you were going for here – but I could be wrong) Were you striving, rather, for ancient, primordial, elemental, fundamental – a song older than time?
pluck and flesh in the same line sounds like we are deflocking a goose and flesh isn’t stringy.
Sing and gasping also sounds discordant; I am not sure I want to hear this song (insert thumb in ears and wince). How is it half-heard? Is one of you deaf?
I do like the beat drums verse but would change pulse to pulses otherwise it sounds as if there was just one thrust and it was over…not so good.
Final verse – again not so bad with the exception of ‘that lasts forever’. Where? In our minds?
I think this has alot of potential. I like the metaphor but feel it needs further revision to really make it lyrically outstanding.
andrewsatragedy reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow. This is definitely a very, very good poem. I really enjoyed how used playing music as a metaphor for making love. I also respect how you described one night of love making as something that is everlasting. This is a very romantic piece, and the way in which you’ve written it is very passionate, I liked the descriptions… “Strings of flesh”, “A half-heard harmony for our ears alone”. Both lines really painted an extremely vivid portrait of passion and love.
Keep up the good work!
sinnaminsun reviewed Version 2 -
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Music can be wonderfully intertwined with other fun things, just as you’ve done in your poem. I think that your poem has wonderful energy and motion throughout. The reader almost expects rhyme, because of the subject matter but never-the-less it’s effective with prose. I thought the periodic alliteration was a nice touch, and it helped to establish a rhythm throughout your poem. Very nice:)
UrbanHippy reviewed Version 2 -
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First thing I noticed, the title “The Forever Song” would make the poem even better if you used it in the first line as opposed to “Play that eternal song with me” “eternal” is an overused word, and its kinda dried up over time. I forget the word for it, but the thing you did with the Q’s and the H’s and the P’s worked very well! It gives your poem a very BOOM feeling. I love how you break the syllable count of the first lines in the fourth stanza. “Beat those drums” the succinct quality of those words goes well with the idea of beating a drum. The last stanza, with the sweat and the writhing was great! The sensuality is amazing, it makes me want to get up and dance crazy with total strangers! “Lasts forever in just one night”, Man thats a great line, it reminds me of prom… ahhh the nostalgia…
I truly enjoyed your poem, keep it up!
JessicaBrynJ reviewed Version 2 -
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All around epic man. You just described sex in a non-vulgar way. You’re my hero. I like the way you made it music. ^^
And also the “Play that eternal song with me” makes it powerful and romantic rather than just a lustful daydream. It seems real and deep. I approve.
JessicaHumiston reviewed Version 2 -
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that lasts forever
in just one night.
- I loved the entire poem except for these two lines. I don’t know why, but they just struck a wrong note in the beautiful symphany of this piece. It is raw, and yet refined. Hard and sassy and sexy. Loved it. Maybe: that wraps forever/ into just one night.
smileygirl reviewed Version 2 -
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I really liked the overall musical metaphor for physical love. The combination is interesting and helps create a very sensual tone.
You word choice is good, with combinations such as
“quivering with quickening” and “sweat slicked skin”. The alliteration helps to extend the musical metaphor by being musical in itself.
The form is also nice, starting with one line, then three sets of two, then five. The last five line stanza seems to drag out, but that makes sense since you are then talking of “lasting forever”. Again, you have form matching content.
Wondering if “eternal Song” should have been “Eternal Song”? The capitalization of Song does add importance to the word, but “eternal” before it already gives it lots of emphasis. The capitalization seems a bit contrived and distracting amid content that is already so well written. Loved it! (:
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