Nah, I`m just a very sleepy middle aged grump. Thank you for your review
Humor/Satire / Insomnia
Insomnia
All day waiting for a chance to sleep
Next to honey, love of mine
Even kitty can find rest
NO not me.
Tossing turning
Snoring gently
Snoring loudly
Grumble grrrrr
On my back
One side the other
Nothing doing
Just can`t sleep.
If I could doze
Or maybe count sheep
But I have no luck
In either one
Another endless night
With no relief in sight
I can`t even grump
I have too much on my mind
WHAAAAA I just want to sleep
Is that too much to ask
I think I`ll make myself
A nice hot cup of tea.
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wltshr reviewed Version 1 -
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snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Kaabii203 reviewed Version 1 -
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jenbabe4198 reviewed Version 1 -
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The lack of punctuation makes it difficult to find the flow that you intended for the piece. For example, in the part that starts with “Tossing turning” there should be a few commas to let the reader know where to take pause and get a clear understanding of what you’re doing in bed when you’re not sleeping. Also, I would like to know what’s on your mind that’s keeping you up. Other than that, I can definately relate. Nice job.
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roguescholar reviewed Version 1 -
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Does a great job of illustrating the restlessness of laying in bed awake, but it lacked a certain fluidity. Perhaps at times the language was too simple, unless the narrator is a child, in which case the simple tones and words make perfect sense.
I think it should have been put in the poetry category before the humor/satire.
Elron reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem didn’t give me a good sense of insomnia. Too tame. It seemed like a very mild case of insomnia, if anything. I didn’t like the cup of tea line. I think an insomniac would be past the soothing tea remedy for sleeplessness. I’m thinking more sore eyes, lethargy, and hair pulling.
Subterranean reviewed Version 1 -
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Not as funny as I found it making perfect sense to me. I can’t sleep hardly at all myself. This usually doesn’t bother me until I start attending school again. In these cases staying up to 2 AM on the computer or the TV are the only activities that may soften my eyes and throw my mind nto the void.
Anyways, it was cute. Even though as I write this I can’t fall asleep.
I did find the ending humorous though, I don’t know why but it seems like all that frusturation builds up and then fades away in an instant when you decide that what you really want now is some tea. Hehehe.
Good stuff, cute, and plucked a giggle or two out of the bottom of my lungs.
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