Nah, I`m just a very sleepy middle aged grump. Thank you for your review
Humor/Satire / Insomnia
Insomnia
All day waiting for a chance to sleep
Next to honey, love of mine
Even kitty can find rest
NO not me.
Tossing turning
Snoring gently
Snoring loudly
Grumble grrrrr
On my back
One side the other
Nothing doing
Just can`t sleep.
If I could doze
Or maybe count sheep
But I have no luck
In either one
Another endless night
With no relief in sight
I can`t even grump
I have too much on my mind
WHAAAAA I just want to sleep
Is that too much to ask
I think I`ll make myself
A nice hot cup of tea.
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shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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frankay26 reviewed Version 1 -
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jenbabe4198 reviewed Version 1 -
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The lack of punctuation makes it difficult to find the flow that you intended for the piece. For example, in the part that starts with “Tossing turning” there should be a few commas to let the reader know where to take pause and get a clear understanding of what you’re doing in bed when you’re not sleeping. Also, I would like to know what’s on your mind that’s keeping you up. Other than that, I can definately relate. Nice job.
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roguescholar reviewed Version 1 -
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Does a great job of illustrating the restlessness of laying in bed awake, but it lacked a certain fluidity. Perhaps at times the language was too simple, unless the narrator is a child, in which case the simple tones and words make perfect sense.
I think it should have been put in the poetry category before the humor/satire.
Elron reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem didn’t give me a good sense of insomnia. Too tame. It seemed like a very mild case of insomnia, if anything. I didn’t like the cup of tea line. I think an insomniac would be past the soothing tea remedy for sleeplessness. I’m thinking more sore eyes, lethargy, and hair pulling.
Subterranean reviewed Version 1 -
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Not as funny as I found it making perfect sense to me. I can’t sleep hardly at all myself. This usually doesn’t bother me until I start attending school again. In these cases staying up to 2 AM on the computer or the TV are the only activities that may soften my eyes and throw my mind nto the void.
Anyways, it was cute. Even though as I write this I can’t fall asleep.
I did find the ending humorous though, I don’t know why but it seems like all that frusturation builds up and then fades away in an instant when you decide that what you really want now is some tea. Hehehe.
Good stuff, cute, and plucked a giggle or two out of the bottom of my lungs.
ValCapone reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure where the humour in this piece is supposed to be, as it’s certainly not laugh-out-loud funny. Nor is it satirical. It’s pretty straightforwardly whiny, actually. Try to find something funny about insomnia, otherwise scrap this piece, because right now it’s definitely miscategorized and not worth reading. Everyone knows insomnia sucks; what do you have to add to this discussion?
richardangelo reviewed Version 1 -
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i know exactly what you mean here. It seems to me that I’m tired most of the day and could easily fall asleep at any time, then when it comes time for me to fall asleep at night, I just cant do it.
If you are going for a simple observation of your insomnia, then this is working really well, you capture the essence of how it feels to you (which I could relate to easily) and the words are playful and fun. The downside to writing something cute and playful (what i have found at least) is that it only ends up being playful and cute and it is difficult to make the message of a piece seem amazing or life changing to someone else, but I don’t think you were going for that with this piece anyways.
Dayle reviewed Version 1 -
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This ammused me because it sounds like a typical night in my life even down to the cat asleep next to you. I sympathise.
Panda_Priest reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m struggling to find this very humourous. I think it would work better if you would put some eccentricity into the mix…maybe even something ridiculous eg.. honey love and kitty having an unwilling snoring contest. a cacophany of primal grunts and snorts that would bellow and belch the bats out of the belfry. the rythm resembling that of a tennis match on grass. this one, that one, this one, stop. that one, this one, that one, stop.
maybe that’s not even close to being funny either :D
i guess what i’m trying to say is that there is perhaps a little too much of the ordinary and not enough of the unusual in your piece. i can definitely sense the frustration, that is a GREAT platform. I just don’t feel you built on that…
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