Poetry / Free Bureaucracy

Good wording, good imagery, good idea.  This poem was a little vaguely conveyed, though that might be what you’re working for.  I don’t know.  You really set a solid, almost tangible tone with your word selection, and the rhyme scheme works well.  I didn’t notice any of the rhymes sounding forced or nonsensical, which is a common problem you managed to avoid.  Keep up the good work, this was a thoroughly enjoyable piece.  

the imagery in this is almost tactile. So vividly you painted with words.
My favorite lines are “The emptiness on the other side
is complimented by the scenery.”  and “A cold and quiet evening breeze
fosters silence with a loud intensity,
and the definition of this perception
makes one question its authenticity.”

This piece is riddled with irony, cleverly written and enjoyable to read.

Beautiful imagery. Well written. Nice and short but holding more information than would seem.

The only suggestion I can think of is your use of the word “so.” (so steel, so green) I wouldn’t suggest using “very” but perhaps you can think of another synonym? Or maybe even cut out “so” altogether? If it works for you, of course, keep it :)

Well done! I enjoyed this poem.

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August 08, 2008

by Joel_Mitt

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23	M	Chicago, IL	November 19

Thanks, I appreciate your time and suggestions.

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This piece lost me right at the start. How can something look so steel? Steel is not an adjective in that sense. Steel is a metal. Things can be steel colored but they cannot be “so steel”. The second line made no sense to me either. Why are bronze leaves twisting in-between what? And what is “it” in the third line? I can understand prison post standing like guards but what is in prison? Why is what feeling such a desirable thing?

Emptiness on the other side is fairly basic kenning, I take it to mean the “void beyond life” or some other similar incarnation of that construction. The complicating scenery is an interesting dichotomy. It takes the concept of “the void” and places it in stark contrast with another sort of afterlife. The third line in the second stanza, “a great plane…” throws me off again. Should the word “plain” be used instead of “plane”? That would make “so green” make more sense. Blazing grass is fine with me but why is it staring?

The first line of the second stanza is pretty basic poetic imagery. The second line could use a re-write for aesthetics. It appears to be referring to “deafening silence” or something like that anyway. The last two lines of this stanza confuse me even more. Is the perception itself meant to undermine the “deafening silence” image?

The last stanza of this poem seemed pretty straight-forward to me, if a bit vague. Overall, the poem has a nice flow and, looking deeper, might have relevance to the political world… but I had a hard time seeing it. I hope this review doesn’t sound too full of criticism, and I hope my suggestions can help you.

This has to be one of the most interesting pieces I’ve read in a long time. I really love the imagery. It almost puts me in ming on an ancient greek hillside. I love the deeper meaning as well. The desire to be as free as the leaves is very powerful. This is going on my faves.

Wow! Your choice of words in this poem is terrific! I especially like the symbolism of the leaves breaking free at the beginning and end of the piece. “The ice-cold gate looks so steel” – when I read this line, I felt like something was off and didn’t flow with the other lines. I think it is the use of “so” before “steel”. It seems too simple and non-descriptive to be included with the other lines. I give you kudos on your beautiful use of words and the elegance that flows among them. Great job!

This is really good, depicting an issue that has been let to go on for quite sometime. I’m going to step out of the box, in my review on this one.

I compare this to a once written novel by George Orwell, “Nineteen Eighty Four”. In his novel, Orwell depicts a totalitarian society of the future, ruled by an omnipotent dictator called Big Bother. In this society, called Oceania, people’s thoughts are controlled as tightly as their actions. The government maintains an organization called the “thought police” and engages in constant propaganda. Orwell also coined the term “doublespeak” to describe one kind of propaganda practiced by the state in his novel.

You’ve written this very well, by looking from the outside in and have let people read what we’ve become here in this nation.

Very well written, therefore I would not change anything.

Take care….

nice flow to the poem.  the content was nicely written and the way you put the words together its not only reads good it sounds good when its read aloud.  you also did a nice job not straying from your main intent.  

I really enjoyed this piece; as a sort of makeshift landscape description coupled with not too overtly used personification. I found it really vivid and accurately described.
If I were to make a few suggestions though, I’d probably say (because I’m kind of a stickler to this kinda crap) that you should pay more attention to rhythm and meter. Also, be careful what epithets you decide to use. I don’t know if, “looks so steel” actually works. However, with a few revisions, this is really a great piece in my opinion