ok thanx i know i hav those spelling errors but i dont think that its real important about that at the momnet it’ll be fixed in final editing thank u very much for your help
Young Adult / The Land of The Forgotten
The sounds of the darkness were everywhere. The chirping of the crickets. The calls of the crows. The howls of the wolf. They surrounded him on all sides. Left, right, In front, behind, above.
I must find a way out. As long as shes safe. That’s all that matters right now. Her safety. She’s the last hope.
“You can’t run from me, Derek. You never could. Hand her over. There is no hope for you.” A bodiless voice stated calmly as if it knew everything going through the young mans head.
“I’ll find a way!” Derek yelled to the darkness. ”There’s always a way! You’ll never find her!”
He laughed at the Darkness. A strange smile played across his lips.
“Have you become so weak that you can’t even sense her? Or could it be she’s so powerful already that it’s impossible?” Silence. Nothing moved. No wind. No Bird calls. No howling of the wolves. Nothing.
“You’ll never find her.” He said quietly. “I’ll make sure of it. She will succeed and there’s nthing you can do to stop it.”
A flash of blue light appeared and a second later Derek was gone. Only a golden feather left in his place. A figure cloaked in darkness came out of the shadows and picked up the feather.
“You can’t hide her from me forever. I will find her. She will be mine.” And with that he turned and disappeared into the darkness.
In a town, not far away, a young woman picked up the baby girl that had been left to her and her husband. The only clue as to the identity of the baby was a golden arm band, a golden necklace with a gold locket attached bearing the name Rosalina, and a note. They both knew who the note was from. It read
Keep her safe.
I will come for her when it is time.
Let no one have her but me.
I will always be close by.
“We’ll call her Rose.”
The young man looked at his wife. He nodded his head showing her had heard. The child was their’s now. He looked at the child. Nodding again, he confirmed to himself that the child was powerful. Rose. He thought. Rose…
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rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 2 -
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LexiLane reviewed Version 2 -
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fainelloth reviewed Version 2 -
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HermiG reviewed Version 2 -
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It seems like you’ve got grammar and spelling under control (some small mistakes now and then don’t mean much at this stage of writing), but there are a lot to work on else than that.
This prologue is a little confusing. I don’t get what’s happening. Who is “she” in the first paragraph? Is it Rose? Try to explain what’s going on. Slow down the pace. Don’t be afraid of experimenting either!
I like your writing style, though try to vary it a little more. At the moment you use a lot of short “sentences”. Especially in the first two lines.
“The sounds of the darkness were everywhere. The chirping of the crickets. The calls of the crows. The howls of the wolf. They surrounded him on all sides. Left, right, In front, behind, above.”
Instead of using a single word, try something else like whole sentences.
”..They surrounded him on all sides; they were everywhere.” Just an example, of course. Again, experiment! You’ve got thousands of words, ready for you to combine anyway you want to!
I can’t tell much about your plot and story in general after reading this, but what really matters right now is what you think yourself. Do you want to continue writing on this? Do you think you have a good, original idea?
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traininvain reviewed Version 2 -
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Instead of saying “sounds of the darkness,” I would say something like, “sounds came from the darkness.” I do like the descriptions of the sounds.
There are some small grammar issues, nothing too big. It’s a curious premise but I feel like I know next to nothing about any of these characters… if you fleshed the story out, it’s a promising start.
sjvance reviewed Version 2 -
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” I must find a way out. As long as shes safe. That’s all that matters right now. Her safety. She’s the last hope.” All of this needs rewording, combining some.
It is somewhat rough, but I think you have a good story here. You have several sentence fragments and other grammatical errors which you can fix when editing. I am assuming the reasons for this child being powerful and special are explained shortly after this post? Keep writing, reread for errors before you post though. You have a promising story going! :)
galadriel reviewed Version 2 -
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Ok the story has a lot of short sentences it feels like you have lots of short ideas you have to combine some.
You have an error here (I think): I must find a way out. As long as shes(she is or she’s) safe. That’s all that matters right now. Her safety. She’s the last hope.
Error:” You’ll never find her.” He said quietly. “I’ll make sure of it. She will succeed and there’s nthing(nothing) you can do to stop it.”
You have a good beginning needs some work though. It is very good and I think you should continue. But you must be very careful because you may write a book that is similar to another. You have a very good stat but you must be careful to where you go from there.
Still very good.
Galadriel
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 2 -
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It’s much more clear where the action is taking place in this version. One of my quibbles is that you use the word “darkness” to frequently.
I think you could still use a sentence to explain the transition from having a symphony of nocturnal sounds to silence. If you wrote that the animals could “sense a predator was near” or something along those lines, it would help to give the readers a sense of menace about the speaker in the dark.
IndyWalsh reviewed Version 2 -
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Okay, I see where you’ve attempted to try and improve this. But, to me, this still feels very bluntly written. You’ve stated sounds you can hear. Which, I guess is an improvement but can certainly do with some more work. Crickets, to me, usually leave an irie kind of presence like spooky, so you could further yourself by trying to describe these sounds in more detail. Depending on what works best for you, I find, I better myself by putting myself in such situations and describing what I hear, smell, feel, ect. It doesn’t have to be in full sentences—dot form will do. You can work on sentences later.
“I must find a way out. As long as shes safe. That’s all that matters right now. Her safety. She’s the last hope.”—I don’t quite understand this sentence. It seems like its a thought, but I’m not too sure why or who is thinking it. It’s unclear.
The rest of your prologue seems a bit unclear in regards to storyline I think that needs clearing up. I found it hard to keep up to where I was so I think you need to define your characters and the situation a little more.
Look forward to revising another version
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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At the beginning, you write that the “sounds” are everywhere, but you don’t describe the sounds, and this hinders the description of the scene. Then later, you say that there is silence. Since you didn’t describe any event that propagated the silence, it seems like these descriptions contradict each other.
I think that in addition to expanding on your aural descriptions, more detail should be given to the description of the scene and the relationships, spatial as well as plot-based, between the characters that are talking.
Other than that, this seems like a fairly solid intro to a messainistic fantasy tale. I would suggest to definitely keep going with this, and see what kind of feedback you can get from a larger sample of your writing.
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