Behind the manor, David was sitting on the pond’s slimy edge. His fingers traced impermanent complex figures in the gently cooling water, while he, several feet above the pond’s surface, wandered across the landscaped lawn and into Josie’s room where she lay nude on a wrinkled sheet stinking of her sex. By the pond, David allowed himself the pleasure of watching a single tear of sweat roll from the concave peak of her armpit and trace its way through the hidden canyons on her skin made by imperceivable hair follicles yet unbirthed, and then sink along her left breast where it left a slug’s trail across her brown skin. Perhaps in an action of atonement, the tear, at the end of its journey, then threw itself from her hardened nipple onto the pink under sheet below her.
Lost in thought, David’s hand sank deep into the pond’s surface, wetting his shirt cuff and drowning his father’s watch.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
this is fantastic. i love the word choices, especially the descriptions.
the title, though, is terrible! especially after reading this, i expect better from you. :]
I don’t see how a bead of sweat can make it from her armpit to her nipple if she’s laying down. Gravity just doesn’t work that way.
And I wish I knew who “he” was who entered the room where Josie lay.
All and all it left me wondering what these people were doing, what lead up to this, and what would follow.
Mentioning his father’s watch seemed to have some meaning but I felt like I opened a book in the middle and just read a paragraph.
Hope that helps.
Dear Stranger,
You have a very descriptive sketch here, composed of a scene (the pond) and what seems a thought or memory (Josie). This is definitely a risque sort of story for most readers, but luckly I share none of these restrictions.
The pond is a very interesting scene. While you describe its slimy edge and give it a surface, I wanted to know maybe one more defining characteristic to give it color or some olfactory sense.
The day dream is a great idea. I love that tear and how it moves. I will say that you tend to create very long sentences and that you might want to experiment with shorter, faster paced sentences. This is a suggestion and nothing more, but you may find you enjoy it.
It’s a nice sketch that ends well with the final sentence. But I would point out that last sentence and the idiosyncratic element it has. David’s hand sinks into the pond and then we have his shirt cuff and the watch. Beautiful. That creativity should be in every sentence.
Enjoyed,
D.R.
Some beautiful imagery, “a single tear of sweat roll from the concave peak of her armpit and trace its way through the hidden canyons on her skin…” is just stunning. And I wanted to read “His fingers traced impermanent complex figures in the gently cooling water” over and over again. Not because of readibility, I just found it so visual, and nice to read aloud. Nice work.
Good piece. Hot and heavy. Although, I didn’t like the word “tear” to describe a bead of sweat, because it made me think “sad” when I’d guess your intent was otherwise.
Love it! Love it! I think it had an excellent end with his hand disappearing with no regard to the family heirloom on his way to his own family jewel (so to speak). You wrote the quick scene with good enough detail that I envisioned the whole thing. I would have liked to have read a little more about Josie’s appearance so I could picture her better… Long blonde hair, hourglass figure, a mole on her upper-left breast that the sweat barely avoided on it’s journey…
And one last thing, and it’s not biggie, but watching armpit sweat drip down a body isn’t all that sexual. It’s kind of gross. Maybe if the sweat bead started on her temple or under her left breast and then made it’s way toward the sheet. Just an observation. Otherwise, excellent writing.
Nice use of the language, good sensual voice, however, I was confused about if David was sitting at a pond or with Josie in her room, or simply remembering or imaging or premeditating, there were some vague moments.
Behind the manor, David was sitting on the pond’s slimy edge. His fingers traced impermanent complex figures in the gently cooling water, while he, several feet above the pond’s surface, wandered across the landscaped lawn and into Josie’s room where she lay nude on a wrinkled sheet stinking of her sex
Is a ponds edge slimy? How can he be tracing complex figures on the ponds water and and wonder across the landscape at the same time.
concave peak of her armpit and trace its way through the hidden canyons on her skin made by imperceivable hair follicles yet unbirthed, and then sink along her left breast where it left a slug’s trail across .
This is a long drawn-out description of a tear. It is not necessary. All it does is take up space. Shorten the discription. It will make it more effective.
This is really flash fiction. Isn’t it? You need to make this more comprehensible. Also all the universities i know of like creative writing and encourage their students to enter story contests. They even have creative writing classes.
You need to make this a little longer, and spend less time describing bodily functions. Sandi.
I don’t really get where you’re going but if the goal is to grab and attention and leaving wanting more, than mission accomplished. I definitely want to know where it’s (the story) goes. Never has a bead of sweat had so much character.
Far too much use of metaphor, and almost rhyming in the metaphor, which turned me off. Some of the words used, in their definitions, did not seem to fit very well with the connecting words and in the syntax as a whole. However, it is quite creative and you are using the vocublary of english in interesting ways. You have talent and should persevere with writing, attempting to grow in style and continue to refine your work. Keep at it.
Showing 1 - 10 of 14
Next →
Ratings & Rankings
Review item
Add to faves
