Hey there. First off, thanks for the review! (: Enough people have commented on the is/are issue that it will likely be changed, however I chose the word ‘is’ on purpose because the internal sound of it is a closer match for words like wh-is-tle and ch-i-cks, and the short ‘i’ sound gives a faster pace which matches the content of that stanza. Also, the ‘show, don’t tell’ advice starts with Henry James, and concerns the writing of fictional prose, not poetry. It means that when you are writing about a character, you want to reveal the character by their actions and words instead of just having the narrator tell about the character. If Walt Whitman had taken that advice, he would never have written the words, ” But O heart! heart! heart!”. Using word length, sound and choice in combinations to convey/impart a mood or feeling is a huge part of what poetry is. On the other hand, you are correct that it is also important for a poet to ‘show’ by using words that create imagery and recreate other sensory input. Well, thanks for taking the time to read it, and thanks for the review! (:
Poetry / The Hermit Warblers Nest
An abandoned nest am I,
high in my weathered tree.
So much love has flown from me.
I always wait for their Return
as seasons pass and years heave by.
Ever the witness while all others fly.
My solitary pine flutters then sighs
while the wind whines and blows.
I cannot move. I have no place to go.
Then they arrive!
Oh emotion! Oh passion!
Years of affection in a few moments ration.
There is whistles and chirps, then chicks.
Feathers, bustle and flurry.
The season turns, then they go
in a glorious, enfuriating hurry.
I want but cannot force them to stay
in my prickly, fixed embrace.
They leave me cold for a warmer place.
Again left alone, with the long
longing of the abandoned.
The ache of being stranded.
And yes,
the shameful hope for their return.
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“There is whistles and chirps, then chicks”
-The “is” should be are, yes?
How exactly is it that years heave? That seems a poor word choice. You don’t want to say years go by or fly by but surely there’s a better choice than “heave.”
Okay, there’s the requisite griping for you. Now the nice stuff. I like the format. Writing from the perspective of an object is kind of old-hat, but you did a good job of it here. Overall this is good.
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“Return”—why capitalize this word?
“Oh emotion! Oh passion!”—feels out of place to me. the old advice of “show, don’t tell.” perfect example.
“There is whistles”—are whistles
“And yes,
the shameful hope for their return.”—i’d kill this line entirely. but that’s just me. not my poem. and why would “hope” be “shameful?”
Thoughts?
It’s very fun and playful. I like that. The rhymes remind me of Shel Silverstein, and in fact, the entire poem does too. I mean this as a compliment.
I enjoyed the format, it’s easily read and swallowed, and you offer some simple imagery that is also very appealing to me.
I’d only suggest chopping a bit out of the tree to give the nest more room to breathe.
nice work.
Flown from me seems to say love has gone from you. How about so much love has flown by me? Either way i really like the concept.
I always wait for their Return-Whos return? The birds
Wow, i couldn’t find much and i looked. This could be published. I rarely see anything this good. This work tells a little story and it is easy to read. It flows so well. It is simple yet sophisticated. The descriptions are wonderful. Did i say i liked it? Yhe best part about this is that both grownups and kids would love it’s message. Greaaaat job.
Respectfully, Sandi. A 10.
I find this sad, emotional, the longing is poignant. The yearning for love is obvious and heartfelt. Unusual use of the ‘nest’ I find it hard to tell you why I rated it with the numbers I have used. It is just a feeling on it’s readability. Keep writing. It will get where you want to go. There is raw honesty and longing and I like that.
I really like this, writing about the empty nest as…an empty nest! I think it just needs a little work:
Omit “all” from line 6.
Apostrophe after “moments.” (“moments’”)
There ARE whistles and chirps.
INfuriating.
comma after “want”
An abandoned nest am I,
high in my weathered tree.
So much love has flown from me. Awe, this is a good reveal. It makes me feel as though I really want to know who you are and what took away the love.
as seasons pass and years heave…I love the use of this word, it adds depth and weight or texture, not just time passing effortlessly as it usually does, it shows everyday was accounted for.
...whines and blows.
...no place to go. Small problem when compared with the other rhymes. Maybe change the first to whine and blow?
You really created the visual impact and furry of youth and growth, it is exciting to read, more more so to FEEL!
Something to look forward to, something to remember, and even though they come and go, they give you an enormous gift in anticipation, they soothe your soul!
Thank you for this opportunity, it was beautiful. The next time they come, let them know that I thank them to! My father lives in the WV mountains and I went to visit him a couple days ago and he had a female peacock perched in his tree, right in front of the window where his 80 year old bones recline and I thought “What in the world, that’s a peacock”, then I looked at his old eyes watching the beautiful teal feathers and we sat in silence…just watching the peacock.
I think that you should take out the lines about love, and let the poem speak for itself. I think that the poem has the sense of things coming and going, especially with the nest, and by being more vague it will add more depth to your poem.
I liked it, there is a lot of good here, including the rhyme scheme, and i know this is a very cliche line with reviews here on urbis but i truly mean it, it flows very well. I like the entire poem and the structure is very hooking to the reader.
A couple crits…
your stanza
“My solitary pine flutters then sighs
while the wind whines and blows.
I cannot move. I have no place to go.”
i believe would much improve if you add a couple punctuation marks as so
“My solitary pine, flutters then sighs.
While the wind whines and blows,
I cannot move; I have no place to go.”
just a thought, as I was reading the first line of your third stanza seemed more jagged than any other line and sort of disruptive, which can possibily take away from the poem. Maybe you like this suggestion maybe not. Overall however a very good poem, i wouldnt change anything other than a couple punctiation marks, keep up the good work!!
Carsom
I love this piece! The imagery is so beautiful and clear, I feel so bad for the little warbler >.< This seems like a classic to me, I like that. Things so simple in nature can have so many emotions attached to them, I think you just defined some of them!
I don’t have any problems with this piece of poetry, I love it so much! I’ll favorite it, definetly! I really would like to read some more of your poetry, this seems so peaceful to read. It also reminds about life itself, where you get that lonely feeling when no one’s around you.
I’ve been there many times before, I just like to see that feeling written down somehow. Thank you for putting this up and I hope to read some more of your work again! ^^ Bye-Bye. :3
“There is whistles and chirps, then chicks.”
I think “is” should be “are”, but other than that this poem is very clear—The metaphor of children leaving their parents to go live their lives.
I give two thumbs up. It makes me sad to leave my parents.
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