oh i know. i’ve been tryin to rewrite this and start on the next part but i actually think im just going to scrap this one start a simpler one.
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Poetry / Best Friend part 1 (Analysis)
Kindergarten is where our story begins.
I was the class clown and you, the little princess.
We rivaled for the spotlight amongst the hooligans.
We never imagined our bonds could be endless.
My friends were your friends so we were a clique.
At times we were enemies; little girls have to pick sides.
You’d stand by your best pal and to mine I’d stick.
Early on, our relationship compared to roller coaster rides.
Then Jr. High came and we found new crowds.
I remember you became the subject of much rumor.
Your new chums were cloaked in backstabbing shrouds.
I became a chosen reject, with friendships filled with humor.
We had little to no contact in those awkward years.
I didn’t even miss you and thought that was the end.
I couldn’t see us ever sharing any laughs and/or tears.
You were with the “in crowd,” and a slave to trend.
The summer before freshman year I took a wrong turn.
I took up drinking, smoking and other devilish vices.
Strangely, you, my former rival also started to burn.
We were unaware of one another as we traveled the road to crisis.
High school started and you were gone.
I didn’t care I was too damn spun.
We meet again on a drug dealer’s front lawn.
We had a new common ground and were far from done.
I still didn’t think we’d ever be close, drug buds at most.
Sophomore year you return with a shaved head and skateboard.
We teamed up and scamming classmates was a coast.
All because we could transport for the local drug lord.
We were getting to be thick as thieves.
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Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a nice little piece of recounting one’s life with a best friend but it reads too serially and goes nowhere as it stands. There is a rhyme scheme but a bit to obvious and the periods at the end of each line make it choppy, each line ends just like that. If not for the rhyme it could be prose as written, everything is spelled out and told, all telling not showing. Who is this best friend, what does she or he look like, why do you like her/him? There is potential in memoir narrative poetry, but this needs more surprise, direction, a denouement, and an ending, right now it’s a just so story. The opening line should grab the readers attention and make them want to know more, and as such, the poem doesn’t have to be in chronological order either, it makes it ordinary to a degree. I think this has potential, but needs to opened up and played with, the lines don’t flow into one another. I’d love to read a revise of this and what a great homage to a friend!
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Ctoyboy3 reviewed Version 1 -
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well i can see this is still a work in progress. Alot of the lines sound forced, because u were trying to find a rhyming word. Try a thasaurus and see if that helps you come up with better words to make the flow easier.. or try saying things a little oddly through the whole piece, for example ”...to mine i’d stick” is kind of backwards, cause we’d normally say “I’d stick to mine” so try flipping other lines and see if it works better, so you’d have the same feel through out the piece and things might not seemed to forced. If that doesn’t work then try just rhyming every other line instead of every line.
If you are going to rhyme every line try to make it all one stanza cause the standas all slow a little different if you put them together it would give it more of an over all flow and feeling.
Lirpastar reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem about friendship is very relatable. I think most people have friendships that sort of ebb and flow and fall apart and come together. Having them end up as druggies together is definitely an interesting twist.
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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The theme of this poem, a sort of togetherness, holds it to an order I suppose but the forced rhymes and word selection, which seem to be largely in service of the rhyme scheme, hurt it a lot. Narrative poetry in a,b,a,b rhyme is not necessarily a problem but, if you look at verse three, the words chosen for the end rhyme muddy the meaning with “turn”, “vices”, “burn”, and “crisis” completing the rhyme but not making a strong image or clear point.
Also, having rhymed every other line throughout, you suddenly abandon rhyme in the last line. This might be a flaw but it is also the strongest part of the poem for me.
But everything is not negative. There is an emotive content here and a tone that can be developed. It’s just going to take some work. I would suggest that you make sure each and every line and word you include make logical sense, if you intend to keep it narrative. Even if you have to sacrifice your rhyme scheme. Good luck with it.
velvet_ink reviewed Version 1 -
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This reads as a linear anecdote, so while the material is interesting, I’m not sure why it’s in the form of a poem. What would happen if you didn’t present it as a poem? Would you want to take as big a leap over time—summarizing so much so quickly? And would it be easier to make this take a leap from an anecdote to a story? You might want to take a look at my book, co-authored with Dorothy Wall, Finding Your Writers Voice. And also take a look at my piece on both Red Room and Wordswimmer, Writing to the Stranger. Best, Thaisa Frank
cooljim102055 reviewed Version 1 -
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hi there,
well it’s sure is clear enough and a good start of a friendship that alot of people can relate to because of having similiar ones themselves, which is good.i don’t think this kind of poem warm or entertains the heart if you know what i mean, but it is a good poem of the life of 2 people..please finish, jim
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