Poetry / If You Only Knew/Kind Words (Analysis)

Wow! That is the only first word I can say in relation to this piece!

It’s powerful, gripping, and tells a story – brilliant things a poem should have.

I love how you address the reader directly, making us feel more involved in the storyline. It works very well that you start with the image of how helpful he is, and the compliments, how the public see him, before transcending into what lies behind the image.

I was wary of your style at first, but it all works and I think adds to the overall impact.

I only knocked off a mark as I found some of what you said a bit contradictory. Especially this verse, “My boy was with me in the grocery store to prove that he could be there without a panic.  He had to walk next to me and not grab onto me and say he was sick.  But he stopped to play peek-a-boo with your baby when you were trying to decide on dessert.”
If the boy is so scared, how is he able to so freely interact with these people?
Also I though to tie it all together maybe you should mention (probably at or near the end) the exact name of his condition, or use some more scientific words to describe it to show how involved the mother is in it, and how these words have become a part of everyday life.

That’s just a suggestion though, because overall I think it’s brilliant!
Thoroughly enjoyed reading it, so keep writing!

There should be a cama (,) between “generous”and “kind” I hate that you jump tenses in this.

This is a touching story.  Grammatical errors:

    the struggles he faced

might sound better to say the struggles he faces.

     makes him hate himself so much that he didn’t want to live

might sound better as then you are not mixing past and present tense.
makes him hate himself so much that he doesn’t want to live

I found this very touching.  I am a mother of a two year old son and also a teacher.  This spoke to me.  It is the first poem I reviewed here that has allowed me to say that.  I have no constructive criticisms because I’m too moved.  Thank you.

Possibly publishable in a select venue.

to me this read like a diary entry or an open letter and not really a poem.

the content and subject is very sentimental. alot of people eat that stuff right up so it should be very publishable.

A few kind words go such a long way… This is something that I wish everyone knew..

I can feel this piece I love the real life quality to this piece of poetry, it was very story like, and meaningfull…almost reminded me of a story written by the author Stephen King…Stand by Me you know it ??

its a powerful narrative; uses emotions more than challenging wordplay
to generate movement throughout it, and even though you do so effectively
i’d like to see this shortened a bit. since you rely heavily on emotional pull
some of it feels redundant instead of just reinforcing the subject matter.
i gave it 7’s in ‘publishable’ and ‘overall talent’ and a 6 in ‘overall poetry’.

Beauties don’t always escape tragedies. One must go through hell then become the rose; those that bear the bitter then become the poetic – this is what I always think. This is what means to be a human. We seem intent going through even though the worst heartbreak. This is what makes us human. This is what makes tragedies can be so beautiful sometimes. I can see this from your writing – it’s very direct,  straight forward, and genuine. A good write.

Aw what a cute kid. I feel bad for him. What exactly is wrong with him? Anyways, I liked the way you wrote this story and the “If only you knew”s.

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October 14, 2009

by bowmorebill2

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71	M	United Kingdom	October 17

I was caught up in this from the start,at first i thought there was going to be a twist at the very end, so glad there was not.
i loved the character, who could not?
As i read, i wondered if this was as other things something you just wrote, but as i continued, i could not help bur wonder if the child mentioned was indeed yours. A terrific write deserves to be widely read.

October 14, 2009

by Carina

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47	F	United States	October 14

Wow, thank you. This is all truth and yes about my son. Thanks again for your “kind words”...Much appreciated.

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