Poetry / If You Only Knew/Kind Words (Analysis)

its a powerful narrative; uses emotions more than challenging wordplay
to generate movement throughout it, and even though you do so effectively
i’d like to see this shortened a bit. since you rely heavily on emotional pull
some of it feels redundant instead of just reinforcing the subject matter.
i gave it 7’s in ‘publishable’ and ‘overall talent’ and a 6 in ‘overall poetry’.

Its a powerful topic and I think some of the repetition has gone.  It certainly feels tighter and more purposeful.  I am not sure the long lines necessarily are the best form for it. Sometimes a shorter line would add some raw power to what you are saying (My heart was broken, would stand by itself for instance)...

how very heartfelt. Your sons plight is  your worst nightmare and yet you have to stay focused and awake. When you probably just want to stay under the covers yourself. a wonderful write full of sadness but also of sentiments of things getting just a little bit better a long hard struggle but one that you are both slowly winning. A very very strong and powerful write that left me wondering just how you both cope.

Very nice. A startlingly ominous feel in the piece. I really liked the prose style of your poetry. It was very suitable. Actually, it’s really similar, I think, to a piece I wrote called, “Tommy”.

This piece is very . . thought-provoking, certainly. I almost want there to be more, but at the same time I don’t think that adding anything would make it any better. Does he have depression? That confused me a little, but it was beautiful. Thank you for writing it.

the first line has a nice rhythm, but you’ve got an extra beat in it. instead of ‘when you bought’, maybe you could use ‘buying’

uh oh, the first line rhymed and swung with rhythm and the second line doesn’t. I suppose door and before rhyme, but then the line goes on. human beings like patterns, so i’d advise either to rhyme and go with rhythm or not. when you hear the words in your mind’s ear they seem more pleasant when aesthetic.

Third line: try not to use being verbs. He is noticed. His smile is so bright.

well now i’m beyond the structure errors because the story is moving. This might be better material for a short story using third person.

The only other advice I’d like to give is watch your repetition with ‘if you only’

really sad story but you tell it in a way that youre sad for the boy and happy for him at the same time.  really nice job with it.

This shows the public mask & the private face that everybody has.
This poem is effective in its portrayal of this.
The language flows & you feel the emotion of this piece.
I quite like this poem

I can feel this piece I love the real life quality to this piece of poetry, it was very story like, and meaningfull…almost reminded me of a story written by the author Stephen King…Stand by Me you know it ??

Aw what a cute kid. I feel bad for him. What exactly is wrong with him? Anyways, I liked the way you wrote this story and the “If only you knew”s.

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October 14, 2009

by bowmorebill2

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71	M	United Kingdom	October 17

I was caught up in this from the start,at first i thought there was going to be a twist at the very end, so glad there was not.
i loved the character, who could not?
As i read, i wondered if this was as other things something you just wrote, but as i continued, i could not help bur wonder if the child mentioned was indeed yours. A terrific write deserves to be widely read.

October 14, 2009

by Carina

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47	F	United States	October 14

Wow, thank you. This is all truth and yes about my son. Thanks again for your “kind words”...Much appreciated.

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