Thank you very much. I will revise and repost. Hope you catch the next version, you helped a great deal.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Windows to the Soul (part 1)
Preface
Searing pain, stabbing through his head, woke him from one of the only peaceful moments he had now. There were brief periods of awakening several times but not for long. A moan ensued as the pain now brought him to full consciousness. His hands went instinctively to cradle his head but were stopped midway. There were handcuffs on both wrists with chains securing them somewhere behind him. The right side of his body ached from exposure to the cold cement floor. There was a faint light coming from a small window in the room but looking at it only caused intensity in the pain he was feeling.
With great effort he tried to take in his surroundings, raising himself to rest on an elbow. Behind him, a bare cement wall. The chains to the cuffs were bolted there, and he now realized they were also shackling his feet. Ahead of him, were old shelves stuffed full of junk, there were old car parts and tires stacked along the right hand wall. The wall to the left had rickety wooden stairs leading to somewhere out of his vision. He attempted to test the cuffs but the pain was too intense. He was aware that he was in a basement, but where? And who had brought him here, and why was he bound? He tried to lift himself into a sitting position which only caused him to cry out in pain. He lay back and closed his eyes against the invading pain.
A shadowy figure came bounding down the stairs and saw his victim still cuffed and lying on the floor. He leaned over his victim and stayed posed there for a moment, assuring himself that the man was still breathing. He kicked at the unconscious man, connecting with his ribs. No movement, only a slight moan. The figure turned and walked away, heading back up the stairs, assured that his prey was still alive and secured.
Chapter One
“Steven, this kid went missing early this morning,” Captain Billings began filling him in. “Twenty-six years of age, six-foot, dark hair, Italian. His wife said he left around 4:30 a.m., his normal time to run before he goes to work. Usually runs for one hour, then back for a quick shower before heading out.” The Captain stopped and turned to look Johnson in the eye. “This kid has lots of friends in high places Steven, so let’s get this thing solved fast,” he said. They began walking again as the Captain continued with what was known so far about the case. “Not a single sign of him anywhere, vehicle is still in the parking garage. Security is pulling the camera tapes as we speak.” Johnson wondered who was pushing to find this “kid” as Captain Billings huffed and waddled his short, round body down the hallway. His almost bald head was covered with sweat beads that gleamed like raindrops under the hallway lights. He had an appearance of determination in his step and look in his eyes that let Johnson rarely saw.
“Head’s up, Billings said. His wife and in-laws are here, and so is Judge Keefdon.”
Ah! Johnson thought, the answer to the “who was pushing” question in his mind. Johnson knew Keefdon to be the worst judge to deal with in the county. Fair, but extremely anal retentive. Going into his chambers for a warrant signature without the t’s crossed meant being thrown out on your ass. He was notorious for his sternness in court and any defense attorney would cringe when seeing his name appear on anything to do with their case.
The two men finally arrived at the penthouse apartment where two uniformed officers were posted. Johnson’s imagination couldn’t even have come up with anything as luxurious as what he saw upon entering the apartment. The front door entered into a huge living room with black marble floors and white leather furniture. To the back of the living room was the dining area with floor to ceiling glass that looked out onto the most amazing view of New York that Johnson had ever seen. He tried to imagine the view at night; the city lights could make even this filthy city look beautiful.
The right side of the living area held a beautiful black marble fireplace, inside, a cozy crackling fire. The mantel was massive with a large painting hanging above it and several smaller, silver framed pictures on the mantel piece itself. The large painting, Johnson would later find out, was the home and grounds of the original, 1800’s, Giovanni estate in Sicily. At a distance, the smaller pictures looked to be portraits of various people. There were huge plants around the glass panes that looked out to the city. Johnson headed left to where he saw the investigative team members gathering evidence.
He found himself in the master bedroom. The team members were bagging hair and carpet samples. The room was huge with black wooden floors. The furniture all matched the floor color. A huge dresser, two chests and a massive bed were placed around the room. There was a big armoire that discretely held a flat screen television and music system. Johnson was impressed. Being a New York City cop didn’t usually lead to scenes as impressive as what he saw here.
There were his and her walk-in closets that were probably bigger than Johnson’s entire apartment. The “his” side was full of Italian suits and shoes. Every color of shirt you could think of, with matching ties. There were also casual clothes here and there, but the fancy suits far outnumbered them. A glassed in jewelry case held Rolex watches, diamond rings, and tie and cuff links, among other miscellaneous and very expensive jewelry. Johnson turned to Captain Billings, who stood in the room beside him.
“You ever seen so many shoes in your life boss?” Johnson grinned as he saw Billings staring wide-eyed into the closet. Billings had been periodically commenting with a “holey moley,” while they were looking around.
Johnson opened the “her” closet. Twice as many shoes, he couldn’t believe his eyes. “Glad I’m single. Can you imagine how much just the shoes in this apartment cost?” Billings said. Clothes lined the walls; evening gowns, dresses, ladies suits, cashmere sweaters, silk robes, designer jeans, a massive amount of clothing. There were clothes with tags still on them, never worn. Purses, sunglasses, Prada, Vera Wang, Donna Karen and designers that Johnson had never heard of hung in this closet. The “her” glassed in jewelry case was packed full of beautiful pieces of jewelry.
Detective Johnson spoke with Detective Sonora Gomez, who was taking off the latex gloves they were required to wear at a possible crime scene.
“Find anything Sonora?” he asked.
“Hi Steven. Nothing yet. No signs of a struggle, no blood evidence, nothing,” she said. “We gathered some DNA stuff and prints. We are almost finished here.”
“Let me know if you get anything once you get into the lab, will you?” Johnson asked.
“You got it.” The team packed up what they had and headed for the door.
There was a door that led to the bathroom and beyond that another door leading to a work out room and Jacuzzi.
The rest of the penthouse had been scanned by the team. Three guest bedrooms with private baths, kitchen, and an office, all with no visible evidence.
“Captain, how does someone so young have so much?” Johnson asked.
“Old money Steven. Old, Italian money,” Billings answered.
“Daniel! Where are those security tapes? Have you found anything yet?” Judge Keefdon barked as the Captain and Johnson re-entered the living area. The Judge was leaning against the fireplace mantel. His left hand was planted firmly on his hip, a frown knitting his heavy black eyebrows together. His black handlebar mustache was dancing as he spoke but not one hair on his perfectly coiffed head moved out of place.
“No, your honor sir,” Billings huffed as he tried to catch his breath long enough to answer. “I mean, we haven’t viewed the security tapes yet sir, they are being loaded now sir.”
God, what a brown noser, Johnson was thinking as he tried to disappear from view of the judge.
“And what about you Johnson? Are you investigating or standing around with your head up your ass?” Keefdon yelled.
“I was assigned ten minutes ago Judge. I just arrived on scene and Captain Billings has been filling me in on…,” he said.
“I don’t care what he is filling you in on! This kid means a lot to his family and to this community and I want the entire police force dedicated, one hundred percent, to finding him as quickly as possible!” Keefdon’s veins were standing out on his neck and forehead now. One particularly blue shaded one was zigzagging from the right side of his forehead to the left temple. Johnson found himself staring at it while the Judge’s rant went on and on. It seemed to pulsate with each word the Judge screamed out, pulsating away from his forehead, reaching for Johnson. “Hello! Are you two idiots listening to me?” the Judge said. Johnson snapped back to reality and averted his eyes from the Judge’s hypnotizing blood vein.
“Yes sir, we are listening to your every word sir!” Billings said.
Johnson walked over to the mantle and began to scan the family pictures, when he recognized the face of the missing young man. The judge had been right about how much Julian Giovanni meant to this community. Giovanni had established four inner city youth centers in the past four years. He was directly responsible for helping troubled teens and gang members change their lives and become contributing members of society.
The face staring back at him from the picture was not only breathtakingly beautiful, but had a kind look in his eyes that would draw anyone into conversation. A confident look with a softness that made you know he had something important to say that he felt would change your life. Not a typical “Christian” look, his hair was long and jet black, tanned olive skin and the most amazing blue eyes, the color of a turquoise ocean on a clear, sunny day. The smile displayed brilliant white, perfectly aligned teeth. Johnson was thinking he had never seen anyone, male or female, so striking in all his life. All plastic surgery I bet, he was thinking to himself.
“Steven, are you daydreaming?” his captain was now by his side, breaking him from his train of thought. Johnson looked around the room to find the Judge had finally left and Giovanni’s family was gathered together on the sofa.
The two men walked over to the family who had gathered on the sofa. Johnson introduced himself to the group and let them know he was sorry to meet in such circumstances but he had a few questions to ask.
Julian’s wife, Allicia was a beautiful young lady. Twenty four, shoulder length dark brown hair, huge brown eyes that filled with tears that would not stop flowing. Her small hands were fidgeting with a handkerchief that was visibly soaked with her tears. Her impressive diamond ring was catching the light as she twisted the handkerchief.
“Something has happened to him, I feel it. Why hasn’t someone called to let us know something?” she cried into the handkerchief. Beside her on the couch were her parents, Jim and Kathe Warren. Kathe was now holding her daughter close and trying her best to comfort her.
“Mrs. Giovanni, is there any reason that your husband would have left of his own accord?” Steven asked. Allicia stared up at him with a questioning look on her face.
“What do you mean?” she asked
“Is there any reason for him to leave, maybe you have been arguing or he is under a lot of pressure? Could it be possible that he is seeing someone else and may have decided to leave?”
“No! There is no reason for him to not be home He left this morning and I haven’t seen him or heard a word from him, can’t you understand that?” she said.
“This is totally uncalled for!” James stood up from the couch. His wife put her hand on his arm and pulled him gently back onto the couch.
“James, he has to ask these questions. He doesn’t know Julie. I’m sure there are procedures to follow when something like this happens,” she said.
“That is correct. I certainly don’t mean to imply anything about your husband Mrs. Giovanni. We have calls such as this all the time and, at times, the husband has simply left the home. We will investigate every possible avenue in this case, including these possibilities.”
Questioning the family was brief, the in-laws were in for a visit from North Dakota, and Julian had planned on taking his father-in-law with him to his main office after his morning run. He had left for his run at 4:30 a.m., and had not returned. His cell phone never left his side and numerous calls and messages had gone unanswered. They were visibly distraught to the point where Johnson instantly knew they had nothing to do with the disappearance. Any seasoned detective could tell when they had done this job for long. He saw genuine fear and uncertainty in their faces and heard it in their voices. The couple were newlyweds, married only eight months.
“May I ask what your husband does for a living?” Johnson said.
“My husband operates several centers for teens. He began them four years ago while he was still in college,” Allicia said.
“May I ask you where his earnings come from? How does he support himself and the centers?” Johnson asked.
“My husband is from a very wealthy family Detective Johnson. He has no money worries at all,” she answered.
“Is there anyone in his past, or now, who would want to harm Mr. Giovanni that you are aware of?”
“Not that I can think of. There was a man that was causing some problems when we first married. I think his name was Stewart, his last name I mean. I don’t remember his first, but as far as I know he hasn’t been around lately,” she said.
“And what was the nature of the problem he was causing your husband?” Johnson asked.
“His son had entered the program at the center and I guess that Stewart wasn’t too happy about it. The judge can give kids the choice of going to the program or entering the juvenile system. In some cases the parents will give temporary custody to Julie and the center to help their child. A few, the judge has given temporary custody of a child to him after numerous attempts to have the child in rehab or juvenile detention has failed to help them. Usually this is done when child services have taken custody from the parents,” she said.
“What are you thinking Detective Johnson? Do you think someone like that has harmed Julian?” Kathe asked.
“It’s certainly a possibility, but so are other reasons. Kidnapping is another possibility that we must consider. We have agents on the way now that will tap into your phone lines in case you receive a call saying that he’s been kidnapped,” he said.
No more had the words left his mouth than the officers appeared with their equipment. While the team was setting up the equipment Johnson instructed the family on answering any phone calls.
“Do not tell the caller that you have contacted the police. Do not make plans to meet them anywhere without instructions from us. Try to keep them on the line as long as possible, this helps us to get background noises for possible locations of the caller. The officers will go over more details with you when they are set, but for now remember these.”
The private elevator door to the penthouse opened at that moment and a small, dark haired woman bolted in and grabbed Allicia, and they cried together. A moment later, a tall thin man hurried in after her. “James, any news?” the man asked. This, Johnson soon found out, was Julian’s twin sister, Jillian, and her husband Terry, “T.J.”
“Nothing,” James answered as the two men embraced. Questioning Jillian and T.J. proved to be time consuming. They would both break down periodically and it took time for them to compose themselves and continue. Neither had any idea who would want to harm Julian.
Jillian seemed to think he was just delayed somewhere. She told Johnson that when Julian said he would be somewhere or do something, he did it. If he had told his family that he would return after his run, he would return unless something happened to him. And then he hadn’t even called or answered any calls, despite his cell phone never leaving his side.
The family gave few clues to who may have had something to do with Julian’s disappearance. There was only the one family who Julian encountered major problems with, the Stewart’s. There were more in the past, but all were now advocates for the center’s program since their children had done well there.
After getting what information they could from the family, Johnson and Billings made their way to the security office on the first floor. Here they met with Officer Rogers who guided them through the security process for the building. The office scheduled one officer that patrolled the lobby, and two armed officers that stayed in a locked room and watched the twenty cameras that were placed throughout the building and on the front and back of the building. The two that were to be in the camera room were not allowed to unlock the door from their side for anyone; even for their shift change without going through a complicated procedure.
“Is this your S.O.P. Officer Rogers, or has this been implemented with Giovanni’s disappearance?” Johnson asked.
“Standard operating procedures, Detective. This procedure has been in place since 1998. Each day there is a new and specific entry word that only our officers know. They are not told this entry word until they are ready to enter the security office,” Rogers said.
“Isn’t this all a bit extreme, even for this building?” Johnson asked.
“Our tenant’s safety and security are of great importance, and believe me, they pay well for the peace of mind,” Rogers offered.
“Yes, I’m sure they do,” Johnson said.
The men entered the security office where the tapes were loaded and ready to view. The lobby camera showed Julian briefly speaking with the security officer, smiling, waving, and then out the door for his run. The time was 4:27 a.m. The front outside camera had followed him to the corner, where he crossed the street and disappeared out of the camera’s view. Films from the rest of the building, including the parking garage, had not shown Giovanni at all. He had simply gone out to run and never returned. Johnson had a bad feeling that this case was not going to have a good outcome.
Johnson and Billings then began conducting interviews with other tenants in the building. The apartments were huge, only two to a floor, with the one directly beneath the Giovanni’s belonging to Jillian and T.J. The other apartment owners seemed genuinely upset about Giovanni’s disappearance. It made most feel vulnerable and the ladies seemed to be reluctant to go out alone, or even open the door for the officers to interview them.
“I just pray you find him safe and well,” the former state official said. “He really is a precious young man. I can’t tell you the number of times I needed help and he never told me no or said he was too busy, he just came to help,” the man told them, with tears running down his face. He was an odd looking man. Bald, with a small band of hair on the back of his head. He was uncommonly tall and lanky, and wore red suspenders to hold up his expensive slacks. He looked down his nose, through his bifocals at the two detectives. “I just pray that someone finds him safe and sound,” he said.
These same sentiments were echoed by each tenant interviewed. No one had a complaint or negative comment to say about Julian Giovanni. An elderly woman on the fourth floor had told them a story similar to the one heard from the former state official.
“I called him out of the blue the morning my sweet Richard had passed. I don’t know why he was the first one that I thought of, or even why he was home that time of the day,” Mrs. Conner told the detectives. She walked slowly with a cane to her chair. She was frail and small, her gray hair up in a bun on top of her head. She was humped over so she never really looked the men in the eye. “He came right down here and called the ambulance and police for me. My poor Richard, he had been gone for a long time, you could tell. But Julian made me feel safe and took care of me for days afterward, he and his little wife. That’s just the kind of boy he is,” she finished, beginning to cry as she told her story.
As the detectives wrapped up things for the night, Johnson was deep in thought about the case. “Captain, this kid has to have an enemy somewhere in this city, I guess tomorrow it’s time to beat the pavement. Or, I guess I should say today.” He was looking at his watch, it was already 1:00 a.m.
“Let me know what you need Steven. The precinct will be at your disposal for the duration of this investigation. Start interviews with adjacent buildings and then start interviews along his usual run route. This kid was too trusting, he never changed his run route that his family knew of. That mistake could’ve cost him his life.”
Chapter Two
The woman had entered the basement and had knelt down by Julian. “Wake up! Julian, wake up! Julian tried to focus on the voice but was unable to come up out of the fog in his brain. “I brought you some water, try to stay awake,” the voice said.
“What the hell? Can’t you get him awake? Another voiced boomed into his aching head.
“No. I can’t even get him awake enough to sip water,” the first bodiless voice said. Julian was barely aware of his shoulder being shaken violently.
“Wake up boy!” Again a kick, this time from behind, connecting with his back.
“See! You idiot, I told you you’re killing him! You should’ve have brought him here, now he’ll die and they will find you!” the first voice said. He was barely conscious enough to recognize this voice as female. “You need to leave him alone! Leave him alone before you kill him!” the woman begged.
“Shut up bitch, it isn’t time for him to die yet,” the man yelled back at her.
The woman headed toward the stairs and started up them, crying along the way. She was afraid the boy would die there, in the cold basement, without his loved ones there. She was also afraid that her husband would lead the police to their home, and she would have to pay for his stupid mistakes. She turned at the top of the stairs to look back at the boy. Her husband walked over to him, kicked him once again and bent over him, watching him breathe. She went into the house and shut the door, blocking out any other sights or sounds from the basement.
The man stayed crouched over the boy. Hatred was coursing through his body as if his heart itself were pumping it through him. The day for the boy to die was close, but far enough away that he had to be kept alive somehow. Dying now would be too easy for all the pain he had caused the man. “You owe me! Do you hear me? You owe me and I will have my day!”
Julian didn’t feel the man wrap a belt around his arm and tighten it. He hadn’t felt as the man injected something into his vein.
“You try so hard to help people addicted to drugs, don’t you? Let’s see if you will work so hard to save yourself.”
“It’s okay Terrance, he’s with me,” Detective Steven Johnson turned to see his Captain barreling down the hallway toward him. The security officer who was refusing to allow him in gave him a last scathing look and walked away.
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oknapp reviewed Version 5 -
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TPage 1
A moan ensued as the pain now brought him to full consciousness. His hands went instinctively to cradle his head but were stopped midway; Take out “were”
Waves of nausea were sweeping over him, causing his body to wretch; the pain stabbing at his body each time. CHANGE SEMICOLON USE.
With great effort, NEEDS A COMMA he tried to take in his surroundings, raising himself to rest on an elbow.
Behind him, the bare cement wall where the chains were bolted This is PASSIVE VOICE. Consider changing
He attempted to test the cuffs but the pain became too intense. He became aware that the room was a basement, but where? (name place it was located)
Page 2
Very clear, good conversations, no grammer issues.
Page 3 His almost bald head. Baldhead is one word.
being throw out—this is passive voice. Consider revising.
mantel piece is actually mantelpiece. one word.
Page 4 A huge dresser, two chests and a massive bed were placed around the room. Passive voice. change “placed around”
There was a big armoire that discretely held a flat screen television and music system. Wordy- Sentence needs to be shortened. Take out “discretely”
Clothes lined the walls; (Take out semicolon) evening gowns, dresses, ladies. (Gender specific. )Take our “ladies” and just say women
Good sounding detective lingo. Flow is good.
Page 5. Fragments. ”Hi Steven. Nothing yet. change to— Hi Steven, nothing yet.
The rest of the penthouse had been scanned by the team. Passive voice—. Say something like: The team carefully scanned the rest of the penthouse.
Old money, Steven. Old money Steven—old, Italian money,” Billings answered. Or you could use a semicolon.
The Judge was leaning against the fireplace mantel, his left hand was planted firmly on his hip, a frown knitted his heavy black eyebrows together. Start new sentence with His left hand… this is a run-on.
Sandi, the comtent of the story is fine. I am trying to find everything for you but it is eating up points. I will email the rest to you. I hope this is okay. Email back.
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Squamch reviewed Version 5 -
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Ok, my first thought after reading all this is that it’s obviously an ambitious piece and you seem to be putting a lot of time and effort into it. That said, I think there are a number of problem areas that you might want to look at, and I think another revision is in order.
The first problem I see is your word choice. You return to the same words time and time again where it would enhance the piece to find new, fuller descriptions. For instance, in the first two paragraphs of the prologue, you used the word “pain” six times. Pain is an easy word to find a replacement for, and I think alternate descriptions would be the way to go. This is a problem that runs throughout the piece. For instance: “the city lights could make even this filthy city look beautiful.” – the word city used twice turns what is a great sentence into an awkward one. I love the image of city lights making the city look beautiful, but you need to find a better way to say it, or at least, choose a better word for either the lights or the city itself.
“The security officer that stopped him at the doorway, gave him a last scathing look and walked away” – the comma isn’t needed here.
I think a little more explanation is needed into why such a large search is being undertaken for a man that’s barely been missing for a day. I work with troubled youth and they run away all the time – they’re not technically considered missing until they’ve not been seen for twenty-four hours. I realize that the search for Giovanni is being pushed by the judge, but it took some time for this time become clear. You should make a note that regular procedures are being waved in light of the subject’s stature in the community.
I like the description of the apartment. It flows well and fleshes out the place. I think you have a knack for getting an image in your head of the scene you’re writing, and you seem to see it all in detail.
I question why Giovanni’s apartment is being searched though. If he was last scene running, and had not entered the apartment since, why would they be searching for evidence there? Would they not, instead, be searching his running route? I can understand going to interview the family, but searching closets and such seems pointless until some evidence is introduced to warrant it.
I think some of the supporting characters need some work, as they often come across as cliches. You probably should spend more time fleshing Billings out, as he comes off a bit cartoonish. The judge seems fairly cookie-cut in the stern mold, and Allicia is the distraught, crying young wife, typical in everything, right down to her diamond ring. You should take some time to give them each lives and characteristics that go beyond pushing the plot along. I think a common mistake that writers make is looking to television for character influences. While many television shows are very realistic, for the most part, people simply don’t act the way people act on television. I don’t think many real people would respond to the judge as Billings did, but I’ve seen a lot of characters on television respond that way. When writing dialogue, I think it’s a good practice to ask yourself if a person would really say this, in real life, in the particular situation. As you add color, your characters will become more real, and they’ll make your story feel very real.
I find it odd that Johnson looks at a picture of Giovanni and remembers a laundry list of information about him. Why did his face spark such an avalanch, while his name didn’t? I can understand if Johnson thinks, “Oh, yeah! That’s the youth center guy!” But the information he gets into is rather detailed, and to know those details would mean he’d know Giovanni by name before he’d know him by face.
Near the end, Billings brings up the term “enemy” rather quickly. I think most cops in that situation would believe Giovanni ran off with his mistress until they had some proof otherwise. They’re assuming he was kidnapped far too early, in my opinion, by setting up phone surveylance and such long before they have any evidence that he didn’t sprain his ankle and fall in a ditch somewhere. Or maybe he got mugged and left in an alley? There are a million possibilities, yet Johnson and Billings seem to lean toward kidnapping. Obviously, the story will turn into a kidnapping case, but for the sake of realism, I think you need to bring it on more gradually. Also, if Stewart turns out to be the culprit, or heavily involved, I suggest you retool how casually Allicia dropped his name. It seems way too easy – way too “ABC.”
Over all, I think the piece has potential, but needs some work. The thing I would focus on most is realism, as many of the backdrops feel like things I’ve seen in movies a thousand times, but don’t seem to apply to these particular circumstances. And the key to realism is characters – if you make the reader believe in your characters, you can do anything you want with them.
Ctoyboy3 reviewed Version 5 -
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Well, this is good, nicely polished so far. I read in your notes this is final version before pt 2 but I will give my impressions for your conciterations.
- Before taking in the room, you could elaborate a little on his feelings of panic.
- you have the captin leave and then continue the conversation with johnson.
-“ah. the answer to the who was pushing question in his mind” I would take out in his mind. or even reword it suggestion:Ah Johnson thought So that’s who’s pushing
- Now when you have Johnson ask what the judge is doing there… you just had him answer that question. Mabey have him say Keefdon? leaving the question lingering, describe the Judges reputation then have Billings say “Yeah, I know. He’s pretty…” Gives more of a common knolage that Keefdon’s a hard ass.
-Really liked how you slipped the setting in.
-I wouldn’t start a new paragraph after the bit about the city lights, Your still describing the penthouse.
-“his and her walk-in that appeared (to be) bigger then Johnson’s entire appartment”
-Twice as many shoes as what? sugestion: Tons of shoes! He couldn’t…
-Would move Captian Billings said to after “Glad i’m single” Cause at first your talking about Johnson opening the closet, a little confusing.
-“Johnson spoke with Det. Sonora…” Jumps a little and you are telling not showing..if i may offer a sugestion for that section.
Detective Sonora Gomez broke off from the forensic group that was finishing their final sweep.
”Find anything Sonora?” he asked.
”Nothing yet. ” she said peeling off her latex gloves “No signs of a struggle, no blood.We found some DNA and prints.”
”Let me know when the lab results come in?” Johnson asked.
”You got it.” The team packed up and headed for the door.
Some of it was a little drawn out so i condenced it. You told us what was happening then showed us… so i just took the tell part out for your conciteration.
-”The rest of the penthouse …unusual had happened in them.” Sonora just told us they didn’t turn up anything unusual… don’t need to tell again
-“No your honor sir”??? to much just no your honor sounds better
-“Keefdon’s veins stood out on his neck and forehead now. One particular blue shaded one zigzagged from the right side of his forehead to the left temple.” THis is just a runnign thought. Suggestion “The vein in Keefdon’t neck buldged, and a particularlly blue one zig…..”
-... help more escape their dangerous lives” Are they escaping their lifes or the dangerous lifestyle
-Judge Keefdon send many…. from his court room” This line is a little jumbled, Suggestion “Judge sent many of the troubled teens he saw in his court room to Giovinni for help”
-Breathtaking beautiful usually doesn’t work to describe a man, and i don’t think it does here. ”Strickingly handsome” mabey
-Punctuation … Important to say (,) that he could…
-Christian look? What does that have to do with anything? I would cut that out or insert some kind of reliqious orentation connected with Giovanni before hand. Mabey he organized the reach out program through his church or somthing to that effect.
-The description about his hair and such is a little dragged out… or rather the sentence is… Suggestion “His hair was long and jet black, tanned olive skin. Turquoise eyes that were the color of the otion on a clear sunny day.”
-“All plastic surgery” he (thought) to himself
-The meeting with the family… Show don’t tell…
- I am going to suggest you sit and read this piece spicifically the dialauge out loud to your self. With the dialauge, imagine there is no narrritive, and it’s like a movie script.. Is this how they word everything. It’s very decidive, robotic answers, no real character in the way they speak. And alot of the narrative is clogged with repeative thoughts instead of a steady narrative… Suggeston- Read each section, and re word it, conveying what your trying to say in as few words nessacary, then expand from there.
Remember show don’t tell
I am continueing to read the piece but will refrain from any more spicific critiqes cause of the length of what I have already found, if you would like more, let me know and I will elaboratie.
You do have the beginings to a good story. Your prolauge grabs the attention and made me ask the same questions mr Giovanni was asking.
And the plot is flowing nicely, moving from one to the next, just needs some editing.
Owl_Light reviewed Version 5 -
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2 ‘trying’s in second para. too many ’....ings’ up to this point which stops the flow.
Repetition; ‘handcuffs and chains shackled him to the wall’;’cuffs biting into wrists’;’chains..that shackled his feet and wrists’,
try pulling the thing to bits and look for the facts. repetition of facts is not a stylish way to emphasise the important.
‘a moan ensued’ From whose point of view are you writing this? From the bloke in cuffs I think. Perhaps if he made an involuntary moan, it was the moan which woke him up. Now there’s a good place to start. A noise which woke him up to his sensations of pain.
Detailed description of the junk in the room but then you use the phrase ‘became aware’. If he was having a good ganders at the tyres and shelves, good enough to know that the shelves were rickety, how come he only ‘became aware’ at that point?
It’s nice content with great potential (so far! but I do want to read on) but the order of telling is jumbled.
nice idea to start with someone being badly treated and imprisoned for reasons
unknown.
1.He had been half conscious… of what was he aware then. Go forward in your narrative and not backwards as in your second sentence.
2. wake him up.
3. ask yourself what would he notice first and why? think. wakes up. chains. cold floor. opens eyes.you know why he’s there and what has been done to him and why so you can pick and choose what you tell the reader.
Chp 1.
awful confusion. You are introducing 2 characters here so if they have a name uses it. Don’t make the reader phish for Captain and Billings and then have to join it to Terrance. the reader might chuck the book away in temper. There’s some one else there too. a security officer. ‘he’s with me’ still can’t fathom who he is. I am cross now. but will soldier on.
aha! after the enth time of reading, terrence is the security officer. but Steven would notice the voice was his captain b4 he saw it was his captain so get the order right.
Steven is the det’s name but who would call him that? no-one. get him Steve’d up straightaway.
You have given no clue about when this is. I need to know is it Al Capone time or now. I know it’s after cars were invented. Perhaps you could have had the prisoner notice a part from a car which would set your story into a time scale.
The description of the captain needs to come earlier. Try to get things into a natural order and so make it simple to follow.
more repetition; ‘penthouse’
Man goes missing. Flaw in plot here. You wouldn’t have forensics etc until the man had gone missing for longer. Tears from those who know what has happened but not this sort of activity from the police. Your story is now harder to believe. Especially with Stevens everywhere.
Man without enemies goes missing. We know he’s in dead trouble, if it’s him that’s locked up in cellar. Put in a few more clues so that we know it’s him in the cellar.perhaps a torn up photo of his missus. And alter the time. He must have been missing for a certain period(you’d have top research this) b4 NYPD get involved.
BigMamaMags reviewed Version 5 -
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This was a great start to what may be a very captivating story. The story flowed well from the beginning to the end of the chapter. The characters are engaging and well thought out. Their individual personalities and details regarding personal events are realistic and believable. Nice build up of emotions and events to lead to further chapters. I didn’t notice any grammar or spelling errors. I do think your use of consciousness two times in two sentences that follow each other could have been replaced bu something else. Maybe the second one could be ‘a full state of awareness’ or ‘a full state of clarity?’ Something like that. Something to think about. Good Job!
SwordMistress reviewed Version 5 -
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I enjoyed this just as much as the first time I read it or even more so. Overall it’s a smoother read this time. The plot and character are intriguing. You leave a lot of questions unanswered that urge the reader on. I look forward to more chapters.
“from one of the only peaceful moments he had now.” one of the few peaceful moments he had now. Otherwise ‘one’ makes it sound like he’s had more than one peaceful moment, but the word ‘only’ implies that he’s only had one.
“pain now brought” delete ‘now.’
“in the room” into
“caused intensity in the pain he was feeling.” the pain he was feeling to intensify.
I really like the final paragraph in the prologue. Very effective. I liked the prologue the first time I reviewed. It’s a lot smoother this time.
If Julian went missing from his run why would the police be bagging evidence at the apartment and collecting hair samples? The wife was home the whole time wasn’t she?
Billings says the name ‘Steve’ a lot. Most people don’t call each other by name very often.
“remember his first,” name
“ma’am.” Kidnapping” delete quote after ma’am.
“be called,” he said.” If there is no doubt about who is speaking dialogue tags are not needed.
trident reviewed Version 5 -
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The starting scene doesn’t do anything for the story. Also, the starting scene seemed quite clumsy compared to the rest of the story. I almost gave up before I reached Chap 1, but then was captivated. You’re writing a very vivid scene using passive phrases. For example…
“A moan ensued as the pain …” passive language – try something more dynamic like: “he moaned as the pain…”
“but looking at it only caused intensity in the pain he was feeling.” likewise – try: “but looking at it only caused the pain he was feeling to intensify.”
The rest of the story was intriguing and sucked me in – I would like to know what happened to him. My comments below are nit-picking, only to help you improve it further…
I don’t see the need for prolonging the facts of his disappearance. Perhaps Capt. Billings could say in his opening breath “The kid went for his routine jog at 4am this morning and never came back”. Also, establish that it is almost a full day early on. Otherwise readers will wonder why the police are involved when there’s so little time elapsed. Until you told me (near the end) that he went jogging at 4am I figured he just hadn’t come home from work.
Also, since he’s supposedly not a stressed person, why would he routinely jog at 4am? Doesn’t fit the profile of a young man with a beautiful wife and an even more beautiful life. If this is pertinent, then perhaps the detectives should discuss it.
“No more did the words leave his mouth than the officers appeared with their equipment.” Consider rephrasing to “No sooner had the words left…”
I don’t see the need for such intricate security for entering the security camera room. Also, if they don’t open for anyone, how did the officers get in to view the tapes without even being challenged?
You do a fair amount of character development on the tennants who are questioned – I trust they will feature again in the story, or else it’s a bit unnecessary and laborious.
I hope this helps.
occupational_hedonist reviewed Version 5 -
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There is a lot of promise here but it seems a little bit dry. You need to build up an atmosphere, some suspense and maybe invest in giving the characters more depth. The style is good and it does have that classic crime and mystery vibe to it, but a lot of the time I had difficulty feeling empathy with the characters and I was not so curious as to what is going on.
Definitely could be good, but I think the suspense needs to be built up and the reader needs to feel curious about what is happening. They need to be asking who and why. You need to invite them in and make them sit on edge wanting to know why this guy went missing. At the moment I had trouble keeping interested in that. You do have some nice descriptions though. I particularly liked the description of the picture.
Good luck with the book!
HelenM reviewed Version 5 -
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A good start with the prologue. It lets you know that someone has been beaten pretty badly and most likely kidnapped, I thought it was a fine job of setting the scene. But there are way to many “descriptive words” such as describing the closets, lost my train of thought there and had to read it several times so I could make an honest opinion. However, the description of the apartment, I thought was great, made me think I could actually visualize it. Tone it down some on the closets as everybody who watches TV knows the typical “rich people” closet. The sly references to old money and Sicily makes me wonder if there are any Mafia ties and using his teen help centers as a front: “A lot of former gang members now actively worked with Giovanni to help more members escape their dangerous lives. Judge Keefdon sent many of the troubled teens to Giovanni for help from his courtroom.” This and the references I mentioned earlier made me think “what a great front for Mafia activity!” It needs some editing before presenting to a publisher, but overall I think it is a great start to what could become a best seller someday. Sure made my mind wonder about several different scenarios this book can lead to. The Prologue, for sure, makes the reader know that the captors want this man alive and maybe torture him or beat on him, but definitely keep him alive without giving away the book. I would love to read the rest of the book.
greggelz reviewed Version 5 -
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caused intensity in the pain – couldn’t that be rephrased – intensified the pain – when i read it first it didn’t jive
ankles, as well. – no comma – ankles as well
Behind him, the bare cement wall where the chains were bolted that shackled his hands and feet. -
behind him the (adjective) chains were bolted to a bare cement wall.
Ah! Johnson thought, the answer to the “who was pushing” question in his mind. - I don’t like the use of quotations here … you could use a different phrase to let the reader in or give the reader some credit and hope they wil figure this out … in fact the next sentence makes the inner thought null
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You need to go back to the prisoner … there was suspense there … it just seemed like fluff in the apartment
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