No, Thank you.
I’m glad that people are pointing out the fact that i’m younger then 18. I didn’t think that this was unique until now. The two poems i have on here are barely the beginning, as soon as i possibly can i will join and post everything i write. All that i want is to make people feel, and i will be completely satisfied.
Poetry / We just can't understand. (Analysis)
Waiting for something to happen to my out side
To represent my inside,
And I resent giving you the freedom to get tangled up in me
And I deal with the fact that I wont ever be happy.
I tried so hard to feel the way I should,
Bringing down my hope and shredding them into tears
I left to break myself up,
I tore everything apart.
I thought that I could deal with anything,
I thought I knew exactly what to think.
So now im sitting here wishing that I knew how to feel
While my hate turns into strength
And pain into love
I bring my self up, just to shoot myself down
Toss myself to the ground and beat me around.
I say when I mature,
You know that I don’t want to grow up.
The breath that’s tore out of me is giving up
So I beg for my hearts protection
I want to turn around,
Taking a step forward is all I need.
Im wasted and over treated
I want a reason to care
I want to know what its like to feel worth something more
I want to breath without regretting it
You can want everything, but your never going to get it.
So Lucky to have what to need.
Breathing so that your eyes will focus the mess in yourself,
Breathing so that your heart can keep beating,
Breathing to get one last smile.
Believing everything I say is impossible,
Why would I start believing you?
I cant learn to live with this emptiness in-between my dreams
But I guess I can learn to move on with what I have.
Its time to start focusing what I have,
Not what I don’t.
Tell myself to hide the truth inside,
Tell myself I’m over you.
Tell myself it’s all a lie,
I know I can live it through.
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ekarbin reviewed Version 1 -
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sweetcreativity reviewed Version 1 -
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“The breath that’s tore”—try torn, better flow
“So Lucky to”—lucky, no capital.
Unfortunately, although I can say I feel the emotion and bitterness thrown into this, I believe it doesn’t contain enough imagery for the average poem reader. Many readers of poetry want the five senses of why and how concerning the emotions and plenty of people won’t feel the emotion without a visual reference they can pinpoint from their lives. I think there’s a lot of potential within these words and that if you went through and re-worked it, this could become very powerful.
Best of luck,
Melissa
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beholdryanism reviewed Version 1 -
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i think it is good that you are writting what you feel, the only suggestion i have for you is your language (no not cursing) but take for example:
“I want a reason to care
I want to know what its like to feel worth something more
I want to breath without regretting it”
instead of a laundry list of feelings you could try more subtlety;
“I want a reason to care,
to know what its like to feel worth something more
all while breathing without regretting it.”
it adds depth. we can still see you are talking about yourself here, but its not so plain i did this then i did this and it made me feel like this. just a suggestion keep up the good work.
EvadBelBurgh reviewed Version 1 -
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Carina reviewed Version 1 -
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I am impressed by your ability to express your feelings and to sort out what you are feeling in such a clear way. I also like that you are so optimistic at the end. You very clearly express some very confusing and complicated emotions but also the sophistication to understand that it will pass and that as you grow and mature that it will all be behind you. All of these experiences become a part of your past and part of what makes you who you are and gives you forever the heart and soul of a writer or an artist with material to draw from. Going through these hard times are, believe it or not, what gives you the ability to really feel deeply and that is supremely important. Very nice job. Keep writing.
singer_girl36 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how at the beginning, the narrator blames herself even though he/she is clearly engraged at whoever it is they are interacting with. The pain that the writer is feeling is expressed through the poem’s context and paints a clear, vivid picture in the reader’s mind that leaves them wanting for more. I especially like the line “Breathing to get one last smile.” because it tells the reader that even though the narrator may have regrets or may be mad at themselves for letting the other person into their lives, they’re trying to put it in the past. And more importantly, leave it there.
jungsnkim reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting work you’ve done on your feelings and the nature of breakups from relationships. It is good URbis allows us to see if someone is younger than 18. I find that most pieces like this have to have real feelings and the complexity of such issues that you addressed is real and that’s lovely. I like some of the wording, such as…While my hate turns into strength… And pain into love. It is good to focus on the reality of yourself. Relationships come and go and they are hard work. I can truly appreciate the honesty, integrity and overall acceptance of things in the poem. Thanks and good luck in your endeavors.
queenparky reviewed Version 1 -
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Absolutely stunning. i loved it. i could relate to every line
I want a reason to care
I want to know what its like to feel worth something more
I want to breath without regretting it
you use powerful language and it grips the reader right where it should do. This in my opinion is one of the best i have read here so far. Thnaks for sharing.
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